


Kanaya the Rainbow Drinker Slayer

by Violet_CLM



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire Slayer, F/F, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-02-09
Updated: 2011-07-15
Packaged: 2017-10-15 13:09:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 56,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/161098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Violet_CLM/pseuds/Violet_CLM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Kanaya, a first-sweep student at Green Sun High, inadvertently summons the Sleeping Empress Feferi Peixes, she becomes chosen as Slayer to fight the rainbow drinkers that now roam Alternia.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Havoc to be Wrought

Kanaya would be called on repeatedly in the sweeps to come to explain her actions in the library at Green Sun High that fateful afterblind, the 12th perigee following the equinox of the sixth dark season, and at first, the reoccurring disclaimers in her explanation would be 1) that she had not believed magic to exist and 2) that it was all her teacher’s fault for talking so strangely. The first point, while objectively true, could still perhaps be associated with a lapse of judgment on Kanaya’s part, given salient facts about the context she found the text in; the second point, however, was almost surely her own fault, and would have not have occurred with most any other troll. She would eventually begin to assign responsibility for the Incipience elsewhere, of course, but not before gaining a much more vivid, firsthand, and frequently bloody understanding of the consequences.

 

At this point it might be beneficial to rewind the narrative to a date slightly prior to the aforementioned Incipience. As recently as somewhat over four perigees earlier, Kanaya Maryam had lived alone with her lusus, Ardra, a virgin mother grub, for all her six solar sweeps. While most lusi encouraged their charges to spend time with their peers at recuperovers and playLARPs, Ardra had always been very protective of Kanaya. Ardra had always explained to her charge that she had given up her entire future as a mother grub to serve as a lusus, and this made her very worried about the potential of anything happening to Kanaya, and eventually, her young charge had come to accept this.

It helped that Kanaya had met a friend over the instant messaging client Trollian, a young troll about her age who called himself carcinoGeneticist, which took away some of the sting of loneliness. carcinoGeneticist’s real name was Karkat, as Kanaya had eventually convinced him to divulge, and he assured her that he held no great opinion of his own lusus and so understood completely the frustration caused by Ardra’s protectiveness. Their friendship developed smoothly into moirallegiance, even though they had never met in person: Kanaya pledged that she would be there for Karkat if his anger problems ever got him in trouble, and Karkat acknowledged grudgingly that he might try to be a little helpful if she ever did anything monumentally stupid.

“Don’t Be Ridiculous Karkat,” she had typed in reply, “Can You Really Imagine Me Doing Anything Of An Unintelligent Nature”

Thirteen days after the seventh dark-following perigee, Kanaya was to go to school for the first time, where she would finally meet Karkat – and other trolls – in person, and she was naturally excited. Ardra, who lived outside of the hive on account of her enormous size, no matter the weather, was quivering all over from a combination of pride and apprehension, and insisted on carrying Kanaya to Green Sun High, even though her young charge maintained she was perfectly capable of walking there herself. Kanaya finally agreed, seeing the worry in her lusus’s bulging face flesh, and so early that afterblind, Ardra and Kanaya made the three mile journey from their hive in the desert to Green Sun High, near the edge of the city of Bent.

Kanaya realized this had been a bad idea only once they were approaching the school. It was the first school day of the sweep, so other young trolls were being accompanied there by nervous lusi as well, but all eyes seemed to be on her and Ardra. Kanaya remembered being told once that having a mother grub for a lusus was extremely rare, practically unheard of, and she was grateful to Ardra for making the choice to protect her all those sweeps, but it had not occurred to her how her fellow classmates would react on seeing them. Her mouth made an uncomfortable shape mouths do not routinely make. Whispers of “mother grub” and “tinted sunlover” and “huge grub bluh bluh” surrounded the pair as Ardra, who Kanaya could tell was trying to look as confident as possible, moved towards the school and deposited her charge directly in front of the Green Sun steps. Kanaya said goodbye to her loving lusus and walked in through the front door, smiling nervously at everybody and trying her hardest to evoke pity, not hate.

She had not gotten very far into the school before a messy-haired troll of medium build placed himself squarely in her path. “WELL, IF IT ISN'T KANAYA FUCKING MARYAM. HOLY SHIT, I DID NOT EXPECT YOU TO COME RIDING IN ON A BEAST OF A LUSUS LIKE THAT.”

“I’m Sorry Sir If I Have Offended You In Some Way,” said Kanaya, startled by the volume of her interlocutor, “But I Apologize Profusely For Her Behavior Also Hello My Name Is Kanaya I Hope We Can Be Friends Whats Yours” She could tell by the brief expression of puzzlement on the other troll’s face that sweeps of speaking only with her lusus had not produced in her a perfect sense of prosody, and she blushed asparagus.

“OKAY OKAY KANAYA, YOU CAN DROP THE INTRODUCTION MUSCLEBEASTCRAP,” said the other troll. “IT’S ME, KARKAT, OKAY? FROM TROLLIAN.”

“Karkat” exclaimed Kanaya, and she hugged her newly-met moirail, who appeared gobsmacked by her action and merely stood there, arms stiff at his sides. “It Is So Good To Meet You At Last”

“GET YOUR DAMN SUN-TINTED ARMS OFF OF ME,” he said after a moment. “GOD, KANAYA, I DON’T DO STUPID HUGS WITH GIRLS.”

“I Am Very Sorry Karkat It Is Only I Was Very Excited To Meet You And Could Not Think Of A Better Way To Express My Feeling But In The Future I Shall Certainly Be Less Upfront With My Encircling Arm Movements If They Make You Uncomfortable”

“YEAH, NO SHIT IT MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IF IT SOME TROLL GIRL RAN UP AND HUGGED YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SCHOOL?”

“I Would Probably Like That Very Much Actually,” said Kanaya, and felt her cheeks go slightly asparagus again. “Ur That Is I Think Having Friends Is A Good Thing And Hugs Are Probably Incipient To Friendship Or At Least Helpful If You Are Following Me And That Is Not Obvious”

“JEGUS FUCK, KANAYA, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE EVEN TALKING ABOUT, DO YOU?” Karkat shook his head in frustration and looked about them. “LOOK, COME WITH ME, OKAY? MY LUSUS IS A TOTAL CLAW-HANDED ASSHOLE, BUT HE KNOWS HIS WAY AROUND THIS HIVE SOMEHOW AND HE SHOWED ME WHERE TO GET CLASS SCHEDULES, SO WE SHOULD GET YOU ONE OF THOSE.”

“Thank You Karkat,” said Kanaya as she followed her loud friend down the hallway. “I Am Sorry You Think I Am So Awkward And I Will Try To Be Much Better In The Future”

“JUST STOP FUCKING APOLOGIZING TO ME EVERY THIRD WORD, OKAY? I MEAN, GOD DAMN, YOU ARE LUCKY YOU HAVE ME AS A MOIRAIL TO SET YOU STRAIGHT.”

 

Trolls at Green Sun High studied there for two full solar sweeps, excepting vacations. Each sweep was divided into four “pupations” encompassing four or five perigees apiece, named respectively Prithivi, Vayu, Jala, and Tejas. Since Kanaya and Karkat were there for only their first Prithivi pupation, they belonged to the “greengrub” class (the second-sweep students being known as “echeleaders”) and received class schedules accordingly.

Their first class of the day, Alchemy, taught by a Heavyweight Blubberer who got emotional whenever he noticed Kanaya and Karkat’s moirallegiance in action, was probably the most specialized and useful for future employment in troll society, even if it was fairly menial labor. Kanaya overheard another girl in the class muttering that at the higher class schools they’d be taught specialized skills like programming instead of this, but Kanaya took a certain pleasure in the art, as the Blubberer called it, of making things out of other things, even if the way it worked seemed sometimes to defy theory and rational explanation.

From alchemy, the two would transportalize upstairs to History, taught by a Dramatic Disciplinarian who brooked no foolishness in his classroom and would frequently bang on his desk to restore order. By contrast, their next class, Troll English, was taught by rather a Comical Dilettante who Karkat reckoned as having “NO DAMN IDEA” about the subject matter but still provided an engaging and amusing atmosphere for making up analyses of famous works of troll literature.

For their fourth class of the day, in the combat period, Karkat and Kanaya had been split up by the random schedulifier: Kanaya learned about the techniques and style of Grief, from a Sinister Stabmonger who viewed it as his students’ duty to keep themselves from getting hurt in the frequent practical lessons he included in his class, while Karkat was versed in Strategy and Leadership from an enigmatic woman known only as Mrs. Snowman. A cocky young troll asked her if there was a Mr. Snowman early in Prithivi, and he was never seen again, leading to numerous ides and theories among his classmates.

The school day ended with perhaps the strangest class, Biophobia, focused on educating the troll youth about the various fauna of and around Alternia so that they could be properly terrified of them. It was taught by a man named Richard Scratch, and from the first Kanaya could tell there was something odd about him. All their other teachers were bizarre, black-skinned, hornless creatures, but Scratch’s skin was pure white, and his face completely devoid of features. Some of the other students, including Karkat, complained he was almost too bright to look at, but Kanaya, who had grown up in a desert beneath the harsh Alternian sun, did not notice any problem. If anything, she found something oddly comforting about the man, despite the stark terror of his subject matter.

 

Prithivi passed quickly: Kanaya threw herself into her schoolwork, and neither she nor Karkat proved too good at ingratiating themselves with their classmates, so they mostly stuck together, although Kanaya sometimes noticed a girl leering at Karkat with the toothiest smile she had ever seen. When she pointed this out to him one day, Karkat identified her as Terezi Pyrope, “STUNNINGLY HOT BUT BATSHIT INSANE.” Kanaya said nothing, but noticed that he glanced back at her sometimes and tried to act extra-tough when she was around.

Ardra remained as proud and nervous as ever, hovering around Kanaya in a way that should have been impossible for a giant grub and continuously asking if her dear trollette wanted any food or anything else while she was working on schoolwork. If Kanaya put on any weight that pupation, she was sure it was from Ardra bringing her far more minced hopbeast than she could reasonably eat while she wrote essays about Troll Mark Twain or proved basic alchemical equations. Karkat refused to come see her hive, because it was in the middle of the open desert, but she came home with him every once in a while and demonstrated new Grief techniques she had learned at Green Sun on his lusus, Rohino. The clawed monster seemed oddly mollified by combat, removing any sense of guilt she felt about tearing into it with nearby perfectly generic objects, and they would then go upstairs and write about how to identify a dragon egg while complaining about how the other trolls at Green Sun were all jerks and it wasn’t worth being friends with them anyway. Actually, it was mostly Karkat who voiced this opinion, but Kanaya found it was easier just to agree with him and keep her dreams of more encircling arm movements to herself.

The moons entered perigee several more times without incident, and at last teachers began to hint darkly (or, in the Comical Dilettante’s case, in-between bouts of laughter) at the upcoming final exam period – or, as the echeleaders called it, the Reckoning. The Heavyweight Blubberer had given straightforward instructions for the final project of the pupation – “perform the Ultimate Alchemy” – but refused to tell anyone what the ultimate alchemy might actually be. The finals for History and Troll English were to be long research papers; the Sinister Stabmonger explained to his students that they would each receive individual practical examinations at unannounced times during the final exam period, and should thus be ready to Grief at all times, even while not at Green Sun. Kanaya was nervous, since she had still not settled on her preferred weapon type (much to the Stabmonger’s overt disgust), but she felt that her generalized Grief skills were sound enough that she ought to be able to handle herself.

It was the Biophobia final that was giving her trouble and that led her to the library on the day of the twelfth dark-following perigee. Throughout the pupation, Scratch had made occasional references to things he called “the Horrorterrors,” as well as to their dread servants the Rainbow Drinkers. His calm descriptions of endless eyes and tentacles had brought more than one student to blood-colored tears of fright, and Kanaya had not been happy to discover that the Horrorterrors were to be the subject of their final paper. The librarian pointed her moodily towards the “2upernatural 2peciie2 2ectiion,” and she lifted the “Grimoire for Summoning the Zoologically Dubious” by professor E. Ampora, according to Scratch the premier text in the field, carefully out of the bookcoon.

Internally, Kanaya thought to herself that reading this book ought not to have been necessary, and her class notes should have sufficed, since she was a good student and recorded Scratch’s lectures dutifully. Unfortunately, living alone with Ardra all her life had left Kanaya ill-prepared for a basic fact about troll culture: adults, and some younger trolls, spent a lot of time lying to you. Most of her classmates had no trouble at all telling when a teacher was telling them true information as opposed to “trolling” them, but Kanaya found it extremely difficult to recognize when somebody was telling her one thing but meaning the opposite. As a result, she spent far more time in the library than most other greengrubs in Prithivi, looking up whatever statements her teachers had made that struck her as potentially untrue to determine whether they were to be believed or not. She did not think Scratch would appreciate it if her paper contained information he had said that was not actually true, and so turned to the Grimoire.

Before she could turn to the sections on Horrorterrors and Rainbow Drinkers, the introduction caught her eye. It was copied directly from the handwriting of E. Ampora himself, who seemed to write in a loose, flowing style, tending to add more lines than necessary to certain letters and displaying little regard for proper grammar. Obviously, the editors had been crucial to the volume’s construction.

> the creatures im describin wwithin this vvolume are mostly hypothetical in nature  
> or to use another wword theyre fuckin magical  
> so please try to remember wwhile readin this book that MAGIC IS NOT REAL  
> \- e. ampora

Kanaya smiled to herself as she read the last words, imagining the intense nature the author must have. He and Karkat would probably either get along well or absolutely detest each other. She took out her Biophobia notes and began the lengthy process of testing each claim Scratch had made about the Horrorterrors. As time went on, Kanaya picked out other and more specialized books from their respective cocoons, but she found herself continuously returning to the Grimoire, with its wild illustrations and evocative, even loving descriptions. On the final page she found two verses of apparent poetry, in the same handwriting and style as the introduction, although she could not tell if they had been printed in the book or written there personally by the author:

> fef the empress slumbers deep  
> snorin neath the wwatery wwavves  
> wwaitin for these wwords to creep  
> speak these wwords and undig gravves
> 
> fef: ascend  
> fef: awwake  
> fef: rise up  
> fef fhtagn

Kanaya stared at the words before her. Clearly they were ridiculous, and confirmed her growing suspicion that this E. Ampora was not quite in his right head, at least not by the time he had finished writing the Grimoire. She glanced through the Grimoire’s index for uses of the term “empress” but found only a footnote reference to a creature called Peixes. She turned back to the last page. Yes, the words were ridiculous, but there was something oddly intriguing about the second verse with all its orders. And that last word, whatever it meant, looked so fun to say! She looked around her for other trolls who might overhear, but saw none. Surely One Little Intonation Couldn’t Hurt…

 

As the last word of the verse passed through Kanaya’s green-painted lips, a flash of light and sound shook the library around her. As she watched, transfixed, the air above the Grimoire rippled and split as glowing white tentacles tore it asunder, opening a portal to a world of inky blackness Kanaya had no wish to gaze into. From the portal rose a creature that resembled a troll in most particulars, but with fin-like things on either side of its face and large purple circles around its eyes. A golden tiara hung upon its forehead, bearing a symbol that Kanaya felt compelled to look away from. As she looked down to the rest of its attire, a bizarre dress made up of a variety of black and colors that Kanaya had never dreamt existed, the fish-troll-thing began to laugh aloud, in a bizarre voice that took the letter E and gave listeners the vivid mental impression of a mouth with two fangs about to strike an unsuspecting victim: “)(:[:[ )(:[:[ )(:[:[!!!”

“Oh Dear,” said Kanaya, suspecting that this time she really had done something of an unintelligent nature. “What Are You”

“My name is Feferi,” said the fin-headed troll, “and I am :[MPR:[SS OF T)(:[ RAINBOW DRINK:[RS.” She – Kanaya supposed it was a she, if it was an empress – made a face that resembled the characters 38D. “W)(o are you, t)(at )(ave been broug)(t to serve me?”

“Oh Dear Im Afraid Actually Theres Been Some Sort Of A Mistake Im Really Not Here To Serve You At All,” said Kanaya. In the corner of her eye she could see the librarian storming towards her, only to stop short in amazement at the sight of the floating empress. “I Only Read Some Words In A Book And I Truly Did Not Expect To See You Appear Like That”

The empress Feferi looked puzzled. “I'd :[XP:[CT:[D to be summoned by my closest followers, to bring t)(e rainbow drinkers back to Alternia!”

“Honestly I Am Very Sorry To Disappoint But I Am Not Looking To Bring Back Any Rainbow Drinkers At All And Um Yes I Do Apologize For The Intrusion”

The empress Feferi laughed again and leaned closer to Kanaya, who shrunk backwards in the library chair. “I'm afraid t)(at's not )(ow it works! Already my servants are roaming Alternia, ready to sink t)(eir teet)( into t)(e juicy t)(roats of t)(e trolls around t)(em. And you s)(all never defeat me, since I cannot be killed! )(:[:[ )(:[:[ )(:[:[!!!”

“Cant Be Killed Why Not”

“Because, stupid,” said the empress, and smiled a wider, more terrifying smile than Terezi Pyrope had ever given Karkat. “I’M ALR:[ADY D:[AD!”

She vanished. Kanaya had never so scared in her entire life.

 

This is the story of life after the Incipience, when the dead walked on Alternia.  
This is the story of Kanaya the Rainbow Drinker Slayer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Noncanon lusi names (I prefer "lusi" to "lusus"; both are valid Latin, but lusi is more obviously plural) are taken from [the first twelve nakshatras](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nakshatra) (and modified if necessary for gender). Yeah, taking the first twelve doesn't actually result in matching up times of year; I got lazy there, and besides the alternative would involve giving everyone an exact birthdate and most of them aren't important. The calendar system used (almost certainly wrong -- this was begun before we first saw the Mindfang Journals, which provide some vital details about dates) treats perigees as functionally equivalent to months within a solar sweep, and days are supposed to begin and end at sundown although I may occasionally forget that. Canon is inconsistent on whether trolls actually bury their dead (Word Of God says no, but there are occasional mentions of "corpse boxes" which seem to be equivalent to coffins), but I needed a rhyme and a plot point, so here they do. Also lusi can communicate now! Yay! Finally, "greengrub" is from [this post](http://www.mspaforums.com/showthread.php?35274-Echeladder-fun!&p=4548232&viewfull=1#post4548232).


	2. Upholding the Law

The appearance and subsequent disappearance of the empress Feferi had all but destroyed the last several pages of professor E. Ampora’s Grimoire for Summoning the Zoologically Dubious, but the librarian showed no signs of minding this. Green Sun High’s librarian was a small, grumpy man named Mr. Captor who had never much liked Kanaya. Once she had inquired into his habit of wearing sunglasses indoors and he had assured her from behind the library computer that they were intended to “2hiield hii2 eye2 from her 2un-bleached 2tupiidiity.” Karkat, who admittedly spent far less time in the library than Kanaya, being better able to recognize when their teachers were trolling them, seemed to think he was a quite decent fellow and very skilled in his profession. Now, though, Mr. Captor seemed hardly to care that Kanaya had caused the disturbance, his attention focused on the spot where Feferi had been. Kanaya supposed that the empress had cast some sort of powerful love spell – she now put absolutely no stock in the Grimoire’s author’s claim that magic was not real – that she was for some reason immune to, possibly because she had been the one to recite the incantation. She answered the librarian’s questions about the empress as best she could, although she suspected he was only half listening to her answers, and fled the school as quickly as possible. The sun was beginning to rise, and what few trolls there were walking about were carrying parasols or other devices to protect them from its blinding rays, but Kanaya was used to the daylight and besides had more important things to worry about. She considered telling Ardra about the night’s events, but decided she had better consult Richard Scratch first so that she’d know better what to say.

The next day, in Alchemy, Kanaya slid delicately into the seat next to Karkat and turned to her moirail, whispering urgently. “Karkat I Have To Talk To You About Something Very Important And Probably Very Stupid”

Karkat snarled. “OH, LOOK, MS. FUCKING GOODY TWO HORNS WANTS TO TALK! AND HEY, GUESS WHAT, SHE NEEDS MY HELP TOO! THAT’S ALL I’M USEFUL TO HER FOR, ISN’T IT, HELPING HER OUT?”

Kanaya suspected there was some trolling involved in his response somewhere but she was too worried to try to puzzle it out. “Karkat Sometimes I Do Not Understand Your Words And This Is One Of Those Times We Are Practically Pupa Pals As You Are Aware”

“OH GOD YES, LET’S SAY WE’RE PUPA PALS. WHY THE HELL NOT. AND OF COURSE WE KNOW EVERY FUCKING THING ABOUT ONE ANOTHER, RIGHT?”

“Karkat Your Point Remains Extremely Elusive And I Find That Worrisome”

“OH, BOO HOO HOO, YOU FIND IT WORRISOME. HEY KANAYA, WHAT’S YOUR WRIGGLING DAY? OH WAIT, I BET I CAN FIGURE IT OUT THROUGH OUR AWESOME MOIRALLEGIANCE BOND! SIXTEEN DAYS PAST THE EIGHTH LIGHT-FOLLOWER!”

“Your Memory Is Very Astute And I Have Always Appreciated That Meanwhile Your Own Wriggling Day Is” Kanaya paused. “Oh Dear Is That What This Is About”

“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK? I SPEND MY WHOLE GOD-DAMN WRIGGLING DAY PONDERING MY FAULTS AND DOES MY MOIRAIL THINK TO PITY ME? NOT ONE FUCKING WORD! AFTER CLASS SHE JUST RUSHES OFF TO THE LIBRARY AND I NEVER SEE HER AGAIN.”

“Please Karkat Your Voice Is Raised More Than Usual And I Am Afraid We Are Causing A Disturbance”

“FUCK OFF, MARYAM. I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT WHILE YOU WERE GRUBBING ABOUT IN THE LIBRARY, I AND TEREZI PYROPE WENT TO THE DARK CARNIVAL DOWNTOWN AND HAD A GRAND OLD FUCKING TIME, SO IF YOU DON’T NEED ME AS A FRIEND, I GOD DAMN DON’T NEED YOU AS A MOIRAIL.”

At this point in the argument, the Heavyweight Blubberer entered the classroom, and Kanaya sunk down into her desk chair, totally dejected. Argh, she was such an IDIOT! True, she had been worried about finals, particularly the Biophobia paper, but that was no excuse for forgetting her moirail’s wriggling day. Despite Karkat’s previous blustering that he didn’t want any pity or anything, she knew him well enough to have been sure he was lying. On her own wriggling day last sweep he had sendificated her the tube of green lipstick that she still carried everywhere, and now she had failed spectacularly to return the gesture.

Worse, while Karkat was her only friend in the school – in all of Alternia – he was now beginning to develop ties with Terezi. Under other circumstances she would have been proud of herself for having calmed her angry moirail enough for other trolls – albeit ones as frightening as Terezi, who she was sure could not possibly be a good influence on Karkat, although he had repeatedly ignored her warnings – to want to talk to him, but now she was just worried that he could take his leave of her and rise through the ranks of the social echeladder while she remained alone at the bottom. Kanaya had not noticed any other trolls taking an interest in her, which of course did nothing to help improve her self confidence in that regard.

Assuming, of course, there was still a social echeladder to be climbed. Kanaya shivered to herself as she recalled the events of last morning. She hadn’t heard any of her classmates talking about rainbow drinkers, but she was sure they would begin their attack sooner or later, and she could barely bring herself to think about Karkat splayed out on the cobblestones while an animated corpse sucked out his blood. For his own safety – for everyone’s – she had to talk to Scratch as soon as Biophobia was over that day, even if it meant letting Karkat leave school still furious at her.

A sharp poke in the ribs awoke Kanaya from her reverie. She looked down to find one of Terezi’s canechucks shoving at her. Odd she had never noticed how closely the girl sat behind her. “H3Y DR34M S3LF” whispered Terezi, her eyes glinting maliciously, “TH3 T34CH3RS T4LK1NG TO YOU”

Kanaya sat up straight in alarm and refocused on the Heavyweight Blubberer at the front of the room. She must have been really out of it not to notice the Blubberer’s voice, which was about as loud as Karkat’s but somewhat more threatening, despite his frequent emotional moments. As punishment for her lapse of attention, he was asking her to define the alchemical concept of Weapon/Object Duality. Kanaya gathered her thoughts and began.

“Weapon Object Duality Is A Curious Phenomenon Thought By Some To Be Inexplicable By Which An Object Of Violent Nature Is Instantaneously Transformed Into A More Benign Artifact And Or Vice Versa

“Accounts Vary On The Prolificity Of This Phenomenon As Well As Its Controllability Some Think That Virtually Any Other Object May Become A Weapon At The Proper Moment While Others Are More Conservative Additionally Nobody Is Quite Sure How To Predict What Will Trigger The Shift

“One Known Exception Is The Triggering Of Weapon Object Duality In Moments Of Physical Crisis Following Such A Triggering The Wielder Shall Be Able To Switch The Object Into A Weapon And Back With Little Effort Unfortunately This Same Responsiveness Is Not Easily Generalized Onto Other Objects”

The Blubberer nodded and waved for her silence. “ALL RIGHT GIRL SHUT YER TRAP OR ILL SHUT IT FER YOU” He paused and looked around. “SOMEBODY TELL ME ABOUT FERSHADOWING BEFER I CUT OFF ALL YER LEGS”

 

The rest of Kanaya’s day passed entirely too slowly, and she found herself exhaling a sigh of gratitude when entering Grief class, since at least there she would not have to listen to Karkat and Terezi’s whispered conversations. The Sinister Stabmonger was not in the mood for a practical lesson that day, instead choosing to lecture on the health properties of recuperacoons and noting that different species derived their health from different substances. Kanaya considered asking what substance powered rainbow drinkers, but realized quickly that the answer was obvious. All of the Stabmonger’s threats to spill little bits of the class’s blood seemed positively benign now in comparison to the thought of undead trolls drinking it wholesale from their lifeless bodies.

Kanaya remained in her seat when Biophobia ended, pretending she didn’t feel Terezi’s canechucks prodding her one final time as the other girl joined the rest of the class in leaving the room. After a few moments, Richard Scratch looked up from his notes and noticed her presence. “May I help you with anything, Kanaya?” he asked. If Kanaya had been asked to describe Scratch’s voice, she would have said he was very well-spoken, yet there was something about his intonation that forced you to think back over his words in your mind after he had spoken before you could actually understand what he had said.

“I Certainly Hope So” she replied, taking a moment to collect her thoughts. “Do You Remember Mentioning In Class A Book Called The Grimoire For Summoning The Zoologically Dubious”

“Naturally,” said Scratch. “Eridan’s tome. I’m afraid the man is a little troubled, but that’s definitely the seminal volume in its field. Are you having difficulties with it for your paper?”

“Sort Of Um You See On The Last Page I Could Not Help But Notice Two Verses Of Exceedingly Poor Poetry About An Empress Named Feferi Slumbering Below The Ocean With An Incantation To Revive Her”

Scratch’s face remained as free from expression as ever. “The Sleeping Empress, Feferi Peixes… yes, I’ve read of such a verse. Still, I wouldn’t advise worrying about it.”

“I Think It May Be Too Late For That Actually” Kanaya recounted the episodes of the last morning in as much detail as she could remember. When she described the white tentacles opening a hole in the air above the Grimoire, Scratch rose from his chair, but he quickly sat back down again and remained there for the remainder of her story. He did not speak for several moments.

“Kanaya… this is incredibly serious. As you know, the rainbow drinkers have lain dormant on Alternia for thousands of sweeps, ever since Troll Barnard Hughes fed the last one to his lusus. I’m going to have to do a lot of research over the weekend before I can tell you too much, but I will say that the fact that you were the one to summon the Sleeping Empress is actually a very good thing.”

“To Me It Seems Every Bit The Opposite Of A Good Thing Actually”

Scratch chuckled. “Well, sure. But Feferi Peixes can only be summoned by either her most loyal supporters or her strongest opponent. If anyone else read those words, nothing would happen. And since you’re not a Glubbite, that means you must be the Slayer.”

“The What”

“The Slayer. It means that you’ll be especially good at battling the rainbow drinkers… I don’t want to say anymore right now, though, before I can read up on the legend. It’s the weekend… come back and see me on the 4th, the review session day before finals really get started, and I’ll have more to tell you then.”

“What If The Rainbow Drinkers Attack Over The Weekend While I Still Don’t Know Anything”

“That is a risk,” said Scratch, “but I think we’ll be fine. Remember that they’ve been dormant for a very long time, and I think they’ll need a few days to get back in action. On the other hand, if they completely destroy Bent while you’re in your hive tomorrow, I apologize.”

 

Scratch’s comments were not very satisfying, but Kanaya felt she had to trust him on this, and so left the room, not noticing Scratch walk over to a fenestrated wall on one side of his office and begin dusting it off as she left. The rest of that night, and all through the 2nd, Karkat remained obstinately offline on Trollian, and Kanaya stayed in her respiteblock working on her final papers. She wanted to scrape through her Biophobia books in search of mentions of glubbites and slayers and the empress Feferi, but restrained herself, knowing that she would learn more from Scratch than from searching vainly for informative sidebars or footnotes. Instead she made a very serious effort at writing her final paper on Troll Sylvia Plath, focusing on her long poem “Lusus” about the oppressive influence her shoe-shaped lusus had had in her life. The constant references to “black” and “white” put Kanaya in mind of a chess game, which felt oddly appropriate. Then she got to the reference to rainbow drinkers near the end of the poem and shuddered.

More relaxing was Trollcydides’ account of the Mytilenian Pesterlog in the Land of Olives and Warships. Kanaya, who had never been too good with words, had always admired the ancient legislacerators and their powerful yet brutal argumentation. These were ordinary trolls, with no special powers of their own, who could convince others to do all manner of things using only their words. On modern Alternia, the talents of the legislacerators were mostly only used in the courtroom, but there was still little hope for the petty criminal who encountered a particularly skilled prosecution. Her paper sought to explain how this historical transition had taken place from legislaceration as a valued public act to it as practiced only in court and considered negatively by many members of troll society. She supposed tentatively that the number of deaths it caused on a regular basis might have something to do with it.

By the next day, though, Kanaya had gotten hive-crazy and could stay at home no longer. Karkat remained offline, but she had remembered a place he had mentioned in their conversation in Alchemy: the Dark Carnival. From what Kanaya understood, the Carnival was a dancehouse in downtown Bent where young trolls about her age would go in the last hours of the night before the sun rose. She had never been there herself – prior to attending Green Sun, she had spent all her time in her hive, and even since then had not explored the city much beyond going to school and back each weekday – but she could not stand the prospect of losing Karkat’s friendship, let alone their moirallegiance, and the Carnival felt like her best chance at finding him. She would explain everything about the rainbow drinkers and how sorry she was and maybe he could find it in him to feel pity for her again, because she knew they would never make good kismeses.

Kanaya remained in her hive for a few more hours, revising her history essay and trying to guess what the Ultimate Alchemy could possibly be, then headed downtown, sneaking out the back door so she would not have to confront her lusus and answer uncomfortable questions. The Dark Carnival was a tall, garish building made from the near-black stone slabs customary to troll architecture. What few windows the building had were all close to the ground, to limit the risk of the sun bothering or even injuring its patrons. The top of the building jutted off in several bizarre angles and played host to two enormous cocoon-shaped rooms, whose intended purpose Kanaya did not wish to speculate about. Near the ground level, the walls were splattered and stained in many spots by a green liquid that looked suspiciously like sopor slime. The front door was an enormous archway layered in gleaming golden clown horns, guarded by a bored-looking watchlusus. Kanaya paid it the two beetle admission fee and went inside.

Inside, troll youth were dancing everywhere, watched somberly by a pair of older trolls behind a bar in the back of the main hall. Kanaya didn’t listen to music much, but she recognized the popular song “the singer expresses a deep and lasting flushed attraction to the listener using predictable language over the course of two verses, including vague references to filial pails that do not alert the wrath of the censorcutioners, followed by a bridge that references earlier songs by the same artist, after which the singer makes reference to a moment of unspeakable betrayal that forces him to leave the listener forever but hints at the possibility of redemption through a series of unlikely misunderstandings of the word `infer,’ a cover version” from some of her classmates’ portable music players.

As she moved farther inside, Kanaya had a strong feeling that she was being watched. She looked quickly upwards and saw a beautiful female troll about her age, watching her while leaning against the guardrail that went all along the edges of the platforms above the main dance hall. The onlooker’s exuberant-yet-sinister smile glinted even in the faint interior light of the Dark Carnival, and she wore a long white dress and some sort of patch over her left eye. Before Kanaya could react, she straightened up and withdrew out of sight.

Kanaya shook her head and tried to put the strange troll and her tantalizing beauty out of her mind. She was there to find her moirail, not to get embroiled in the seedier side of troll nightlife. Fortunately, this did not prove too difficult: after only a few minutes of wading through rows of dancing trolls, she found Karkat and Terezi dancing together on one side of the room. Neither appeared to have the slightest sense of rhythm, Karkat’s normally wild hair was partially stuck to his forehead with sweat, and small dragon-shaped rings dangled from Terezi’s horns, but the thing that stood out most to Kanaya was that she had never seen Karkat look so happy. At school, online, even while doing homework in his respiteblock, he was always grumbling or yelling about something, but here, dancing with another girl, totally without her, he seemed actually at peace with the world. The expression on his face, while not a smile, was certainly the closest she could ever have expected to see there.

Before she could decide what to do next – run up and begin apologizing? walk away embarrassed? find that girl from upstairs and forget about everything? – Terezi had noticed her and begun laughing, startling Karkat from his moment of peace. His customary scowl descended on his features once again as Terezi walked up to Kanaya, her hornrings swinging ominously back and forth. “WH4T 4R3 YOU 3V3N DO1NG H3R3” she asked.

Kanaya had to struggle to be heard over the music. “Hello Terezi I Very Much Like Your Hornrings But I Must Explain To Karkat About What Has Been Happening To Me” She paused to wonder if there was anything else to say. “Also If You Would Not Poke Me With Your Canechucks I Would Appreciate That”

“1 DONT 3V3N H4V3 TH3M W1TH M3,” said Terezi, and shrugged. “BUT SUR3 T4LK W1TH H1M 1LL JUST B3 OV3R H3R3 WR3CK1NG R3L4T1ONSH1PS”

Kanaya felt she was almost getting the hang of this trolling nonsense, since Terezi’s last statement just had to be f4c3t1ous – err, facetious – but that was beside the point. Karkat approached her. “OKAY, FUCKASS, WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW?” he asked, wiping some of the sweat from his face.

She hesitated. She had not actually prepared a speech for this moment, and now her thoughts felt jumbled, probably from all the music and dancing around them. “Karkat I Would Have Loved To Celebrate Your Wriggling Day Somehow But The Truth Of The Matter Is I Was Busy Dooming Our City Or Possibly Planet To Attack By Rainbow Drinkers” She paused. Even to her own ears she could tell that made no sense. “What I Mean To Say Is That Im Very Sorry For My Forgetfulness But The Biophobia Final” She started again. “Please Karkat I Am Your Moirail And You Hardly Know This Girl Surely You Can Believe Me When I Say How Truly Sorry I Am”

Karkat cut her off. “GOD, KANAYA, SHUT UP BEFORE YOU END UP EMBARASSING US BOTH. FORGET THE FUCKING WRIGGLING DAY, ALL RIGHT? I DON’T NEED YOUR STUPID PITY AND TOLD YOU THAT BEFORE. BUT HEY! SINCE YOU BROUGHT UP MOIRAILS, AND YOU LIKE BOOKS SO MUCH, LET ME QUOTE YOU A FUCKING FASCINATING PASSAGE FROM ONE.

“ ‘TROLLS ARE A VERY ANGRY AND VIOLENT RACE. SOME ARE MORE FUCKING HOT-TEMPERED AND DANGEROUS THAN OTHERS, TO THE EXTENT THAT IF LEFT TO THEIR OWN DAMN DEVICES, THEY WOULD PRESENT A FUCKING SERIOUS THREAT TO SOCIETY, OR EVEN TO THEMSELVES. SUCH TROLLS WILL HAVE AN INSTINCTIVE PALE ATTRACTION TO A MORE EVEN-TEMPERED TROLL, WHO MAY BECOME THEIR MOIRAIL. THE MOIRAIL IS OBLIGED TO PACIFY THE OTHER, TO FUNCTION AS THE BETTER HALF. THE TWO PARTNERS IN A STRONG PALE RELATIONSHIP WILL SERVE TO FUCKING BALANCE AND COMPLEMENT EACH OTHER'S EMOTIONAL PROFILES, AND THUS ALLOW THEIR OTHER GRUBBING RELATIONSHIPS TO BE MORE SUCCESSFUL.’

“OTHER RELATIONSHIPS, KANAYA! BUT NO, ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY IS HOW DANGEROUS AND SINISTER TEREZI IS AND HOW I DON’T KNOW A THING ABOUT HER.”

“All That Is”

“I’M NOT DONE, GOT THAT? LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT TEREZI, SINCE YOU’VE GOT YOUR KNICKERS IN SUCH A BUNCH ABOUT HER. SHE’S PRACTICING TO BE A LEGISLACERATOR, WHICH IS KIND OF RETARDED, BUT THAT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. SHE’S NEVER EVEN MET HER LUSUS, SHE LIVES IN A TREE, AND SHE LIKES TO HANG OUT WITH A GIRL NAMED VRISKA SERKET. HER FAVORITE FUCKING COLOR IS RED! IS THAT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU OR DO I HAVE TO GET A GOD DAMN NOTARIZED CERTIFICATE?”

“Karkat Please Perhaps I Have Misjudged This Girls Danger But”

“FURTH3RMOR3” said Terezi, rejoining the conversation, “ROM4NT1C 1NT3NT1ONS OF 4 MOR3 FLUSH3D N4TUR3 C4N OFT3N B3 M1ST4K3N FOR P4L3R L34N1NGS MUCH TO TH3 FRUSTR4T1ON OF TH3 SU1TOR” She laughed slightly to herself. “M4YB3 WH4T YOUV3 R34LLY GOT 1S 4 L1TTL3 PROBL3M OF J34LOUSY 1F TH4T SOUNDS F4M1L14R”

“THANKS FOR THE AMAZING CONVERSATION, KANAYA,” said Karkat, as the song ended. “NOW FUCK OFF AND COME BACK WHEN YOU HAVE A BETTER STORY THAN RAINBOW DRINKERS INVADING ALTERNIA.” A new song started playing and Karkat and Terezi slid back into dancing, leaving a totally crushed Kanaya to leave the Carnival, fighting back tears. She had a horrible feeling that Karkat was completely right, and her list of things of an unintelligent nature was only growing larger. She probably had been overzealous in trying to keep him away from Terezi, but was that simple worry for him, or actual jealousy, as Terezi had called it? She was sure she didn’t have any flushed feelings for Karkat, but he was her only real friend, independent of moirallegiance, and she knew she didn’t want to lose him.

All in all, she had almost entirely forgotten about Feferi Peixes and the rainbow drinkers by the next day when she felt a prick in the back of her neck, moments after entering Green Sun High for the day’s first review session.

 

Kanaya gave out a short yelp of pain as drops of her jade green blood spilled from her neck, then quickly **about-faced** to face her **ambusher**. Before her stood the Sinister Stabmonger, clutching a small and bloodied razor in one hand and leaning with the other on a long metal rod topped with a horse head. “time for your practical” he said, then **assailed** her with the metal rod, bringing it down towards Kanaya’s head in a long arc she only barely **avoided**. Around them, she noticed many of her fellow students, as well as several echeleaders, stop to see how the Grief played out. If she was too weak and the Stabmonger beat her, she would be systematically culled – such was the grim reality of troll society. She could expect no help from the onlookers.

Kanaya **anticipated** the next **assault** by leaping over the rod swung at her legs, and frantically checked for anything of use she might be carrying. Nothing but her lipstick and a copy of “The Collected Works of Troll Sylvia Plath.” Thinking quickly, she lifted the book in front of her and **apprehended** the Stabmonger’s razor as he **aimed** it at her. The razor became stuck fast in the book and she **abandoned** them hastily away from him. There were scattered cheers from the audience, but she rued the decision instantly, since the Stabmonger still had another weapon and she was now down to just a tube of lipstick. At least **amputation** was no longer a possibility.

Her opponent had been **angered** by this turn of events, and once more **attempted to assassinate** her, but she was smaller and faster and managed to **abscond** far enough away to take a moment to **assess** the situation. There was no way she could **abolish** the Sinister Stabmonger’s offensive while remaining entirely on the defense. Back in Karkini, on the very first day of class, he had told them all never to **abnegate** , and she was sure he would be following his own advice today.

Before she could think any further, the Stabmonger **advanced angrily**. Her tiny tube of lipstick stood no chance of **averting** the next **attack**. If only she had some way of **ameliorating** the thing’s fighting potential! The answer struck her – almost more like a mental suggestion than an original thought – as she flung herself to the ground in response to the Stabmonger’s next wild **aggression**. Weapon/Object Duality! This was certainly a moment of physical crisis, as foreshadowed, and if she could just turn her lipstick into some sort of weapon, maybe she’d be fine. Unfortunately, she was now on the ground, mobility severely hampered, and the Stabmonger was already readying his next action.

Suddenly, someone from the crowd flung a bright blue octahedron, which struck the Stabmonger in the eye, **agitating** him. His attention was distracted. Kanaya took out the lipstick, concentrated with all her might, and **alchemized**. In her hand lay a bright white chainsaw. Before her enemy could react, Kanaya leapt up and **annihilated** his weapon in a series of three dazzling cuts. She stood there, panting. The Stabmonger **analyzed** the situation, **acknowledged** its hopelessness, **awarded** Kanaya a passing grade, and **absentified** himself. As the crowd moved forward to congratulate her, she looked in the direction the octahedron had come from, but saw no one familiar. While she hadn’t been paying attention, someone had removed it from the ground where it had fallen.

Kanaya’s day was next interrupted only a few minutes later, before the Alchemy review – which she was, naturally, late for – was even over, this time by Richard Scratch walking into the classroom. The Heavyweight Blubberer stopped mid-tirade to look at him. “Sorry to interrupt you like this, HB,” said Scratch, “but I need to borrow your student Kanaya Maryam, if you can spare her.”

“ALRIGHT GO AHEAD AN TAKE HER YOU PALE-HEADED THROWBACK” said the Blubberer. Scratch, seemingly unfazed by this rudeness, nodded slightly and ushered a worried Kanaya out of the door ahead of him. He did not begin to talk until they were several feet away from the classroom.

“The rainbow drinkers have found you quicker than I’d expected,” he said, after making sure no one was nearby to overhear them. “They’re moving towards the school right now. They’re still not very intelligent, but they have the definite advantage of numbers.”

Kanaya swallowed. “You Dont Seriously Expect Me To Fight Them All”

Scratch looked at her. “Kanaya, I don’t like it either, but this is your destiny. I’ve heard from one of my colleagues that you’ve just discovered your _kind abstratus_ – sorry, your `preferred weapon type’ – and the books make it very clear that you, as the Slayer, are best fit to take on the rainbow drinkers and their ilk.” That last word sounded especially ominous, but Kanaya felt she did not have the time to consider it properly.”I’m going to go look for more help,” he continued, “but right now you’re the best chance we’ve got, and you need to keep them from getting to the rest of the school.”

Kanaya fingered the lipstick in her pocket. She hadn’t tried it yet, but alchemical theory was very explicit that she should now be able to transform it to a chainsaw and back without any difficulty. “If There Are So Many Of Them” she said, hesitating, “I Might Get Overwhelmed Or Some Might Get Away”

“That’s true,” said Scratch. “If we had some way to convince them to go after you in some smaller room, rather than spreading out into the school…”

Before he could say anything else, Kanaya had run back to the Alchemy classroom. The word “convince” had reminded her of the ancient legislacerators she’d been writing about in her history paper, and she knew just who might be able to invoke their skills to get the rainbow drinkers into an enclosed space. All eyes turned to her as she burst into the room, crying “Terezi”

 

Minutes later, Kanaya was ready to ask Karkat’s forgiveness for every bad thing she had ever said about Terezi Pyrope. The rainbow drinkers, rather than exploring the school in all directions, were being directed straight into the empty office where Kanaya waited for them, white chainsaw buzzing hungrily. She looked for the first time at these monsters of legend it was her apparent destiny to battle. They were obviously still trolls, at some basic level, but with none of the energy and passion of Karkat or Terezi or any of her other classmates. They sought only death, and their eyes betrayed more dull hatred than even those of the threshecutioners that Karkat had made her watch that one dumb movie about. Fangs hung ominously from their slightly open mouths, longer and sharper even than ordinary troll teeth. They were slow, but Kanaya remembered Scratch saying they would improve with time; this was just the first wave of the forces she had unwittingly brought back to Alternia.

As the first pair reached her, Kanaya swung her chainsaw forward in a glittering arc that severed their heads from their bodies. There was no blood at all, and she recoiled as they simply fell to the ground, even more lifeless than before. Already more were advancing, though, some of the more intelligent beginning to grasp desks and chairs from the classroom as makeshift weapons. Hoping that Scratch’s “help” would arrive soon, Kanaya swung and swung, relying on her supposed Slayer-given aptitude, forcing the chainsaw’s rotating blade through wood and bone, yet feeling herself getting tired, unaccustomed both to the weapon and to the strain. They began to surround her, and finally one tackled her legs from behind, taking her down to the ground. The chainsaw fell from her hand, and for the second time that day, she lay defenseless below an approaching enemy. The rainbow drinker she’d been about to behead now leaned down towards her, fangs glistening.

Before she could try to escape, the tip of a curved white blade stuck through the rainbow drinker’s chest. It stopped moving. “GET THE HELL UP, HORNS FOR BRAINS,” said a voice from behind it, and the impaled rainbow drinker was shoved to the side to reveal Karkat, panting slightly, carrying twin sickles like a threshecutioner. Behind her Kanaya heard a crack, and the grip of the rainbow drinker holding her legs fell away. She turned around, grabbing her chainsaw, to see Terezi standing atop her previous assailant. The girl had apparently just snapped its neck with her canechucks.

“JUST FOLLOW3D TH3 L4ST ON3S 1NS1D3” she said, and cackled morbidly as her victim’s head rolled away from its shoulders. “COM3 ON NO T1M3 FOR T4LK1NG”

Putting aside all questions, Kanaya clambered to her feet and readied her chainsaw once more. Its white sheen remained remarkably unspoiled, since the rainbow drinkers had no blood of their own to stain it. With the three of them working together, and the relative unintelligence of their enemies, the last remaining rainbow drinkers were reslain without too much difficulty.

“Karkat” said Kanaya, when it was clear there were no more enemies to worry about. “I Think I Have To Apologize To You Both For So Many Things But Foremost Please Do Not Believe That I Would Ever Want You Not To Have As Many Friends As You Might Like”

“WELL, I DIDN’T WANT TO SEE MY ONLY MOIRAIL SPLATTERED ACROSS THE FLOOR OR TRYING TO DRINK MY BLOOD, OKAY? IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL OR ANYTHING, SO JUST SHUT UP ABOUT IT ALREADY.”

Kanaya knew this was about as close to words of forgiveness as she would ever get from him, and turned to his companion instead. “And Terezi I Cannot Express How Grateful I Am To You And How Much I Apologize For Anything Bad I Ever Said About You And I Hope Maybe We Can Be Friends Someday Too Because I Think You Are A Good Person And Actually A Very Positive Influence On Karkat Contrary To My Previous Worries”

Terezi smiled most of the time, of course, but Kanaya was pretty sure it got a little wider then, even while she heard Karkat muttering obscenities below his breath. Terezi walked forwards and hugged Kanaya lightly, who was so shocked that it took her a moment to respond.

Seconds later, she jumped as Terezi’s tongue slipped out of her mouth and ran along the back of Kanaya’s neck, near to where the Sinister Stabmonger had cut her. Terezi laughed at the reaction. “PRUD3” she whispered softly before stepping away to survey the results of the carnage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Trollcydides](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thucydides) and the [Mytilenian Pesterlog](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mytilenian_Debate)  
> [Troll Sylvia Plath](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sylvia_Plath) and [Lusus](http://www.internal.org/Sylvia_Plath/Daddy)  
> [Troll Barnard Hughes](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093437/)


	3. Ballad of Awakening

“The thing you have to understand about the Sleeping Empress,” said Richard Scratch, “is that most of what is known of her story comes directly from her, through interviews and audiences granted eons ago when she ruled Alternia. And we can only trust even those interviews to the extent that we believe they were correctly transcribed and maintained all those years without anyone altering the text. Even today, ancient caches of documents are still sometimes found in remote corners of Alternia, like the Almanacs of the Dead Sea Trolls, which make reference to the Sleeping Empress, although they often vary slightly in the details. The best the scholarly tradition can do under such circumstances – including your friend Eridan Ampora, although the direction of his writings clearly take a different slant than most – is compile the average history, taking the details that appear most often or seem most probable and stitching together as best as possible.”

“1M H34R1NG 4 LOT OF Y4P Y4P Y4P BUT NOT 4 LOT OF STORY” said Terezi. Karkat grumbled in assent. “YEAH, WHAT DOES ALL THIS SHIT MATTER? JUST TELL KANAYA HOW SHE CAN KILL THESE BLOODLESS ASSHOLES, AND LET’S GET OUT OF HERE.” Kanaya and her two combat partners were seated in Scratch’s office, backs to the fenestrated wall, waiting for information about the rainbow drinkers that were now threatening Alternia. At first Scratch had intended to explain the results of his research only to Kanaya, but Karkat had delivered a long stream of very sarcastic remarks at him, and Kanaya had insisted that he and Terezi had fought beside her in the empty classroom and were her friends and deserved to hear everything. Scratch had agreed, and once all the day’s review sessions were complete, the four of them had left the Biophobia classroom to confer in private.

“I could,” said Scratch, “but I thought that as the Slayer, Kanaya would benefit from the whole story. In the end, I suppose it’s up to her.”

Kanaya paused, noting the slightest touch of affrontment in the teacher’s words. “Right Now We Have No Idea What Is Or Is Not Important” she said at last, “So I See No Reason Not To Know Everything If Either Of You Are Bored I Will Hardly Keep You From Leaving”

After giving Karkat and Terezi a moment to respond further, Scratch shrugged uncomfortably and continued. “I think the first thing to understand here is that there are multiple ways for a universe to come into existence. Obviously various theories have emerged from the scientific gladiatorial rings, but the Sleeping Empress has her own story. She does support the Vast Croak theory, by which one universe creates another one, but according to her, our universe was different. It came about through a reshaping of a previous universe, in which all the previous matter, energy, life, and so on were recycled and began afresh according to the whims of an astrological pantheon.

“We don’t know much for sure about this pantheon. We’re pretty sure it doesn’t correspond to the forty-eight zodiac symbols, which is probably a different tradition entirely. There were probably fewer of them, for one thing. There are no records of them having names like we do today, only titles, and there’s a lot of variety in the surviving documents concerning which titles are mentioned and what they are. We’re pretty sure that a Mage of Doom was among them, probably also a Sylph of Space and a Knight of Blood. The Sleeping Empress herself was supposedly among the pantheon, as the Witch of Life. Again, it’s really hard to say anything for sure – remember, we’re talking about a period before our universe had even begun. We know that most or all of them came from Alternia, or rather the version of Alternia from their universe.

“The Sleeping Empress wasn’t very specific about why her old universe had to be recycled into our own. There are mentions of a lot of deaths, maybe even of entire species, and the gods had begun to fight among themselves. The most popular theory, which the actual texts do seem to support, is that the gods were disappointed with how the old universe had turned out and wanted to start over. The Sylph of Space and the Maid of Time – by most accounts, although there are definitely stories that change some of the roles slightly – were supposedly the main workers, although the other gods helped as well, mostly in trying to make sure that things would indeed go differently.

“The Sleeping Empress isn’t just an empress because she ruled Alternia, but also because she was going to rule Alternia. Umm, that is, her old Alternia, in her old universe. Back then, Alternia was jointly populated by two main subspecies of trolls, some on the land, and some in the oceans, and she had been prophesized to unite the two together. She passed through to live in the new universe, from the very beginning of time, to make sure that this would happen.

“Similarly, in the old Alternia, trolls had many different colors of blood, just like they do today. Back then, these blood colors formed the basis of a bizarre sort of caste system, so some trolls might be better than others just on the basis of a fact about them that they could never change. The Knight of Blood’s contribution to our universe, according to several accounts, was to get rid of this system. There are various theories for why, but they’re probably not really relevant here.

“Nobody’s quite sure how the Mage of Doom was involved. He appears to have been an angry character, particularly after the Sleeping Empress announced her intentions to pass into our universe, while the others would be reborn later on in the normal way. There’s an old epic poem, now mostly lost, about their conflict, which she apparently won. Some think, though, it’s his doing that so much of the story survives as it has… others think that he’s the reason so many of the details have been lost.”

At this point it was Karkat’s turn to interrupt. “SO, I’M PRETTY SURE MY LUSUS CAN TELL A BETTER FAIRYTALE THAN THAT. ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TELLING ME WE CAME HERE AFTER SCHOOL JUST FOR A BULLSHIT MYTHOLOGY LESSON? WHAT ABOUT THE RAINBOW DRINKERS?”

Kanaya put a hand on Karkat’s knee to calm him down as Scratch coughed and continued. “Uhm, yes, well. We’re not really sure if they were actually part of the old universe. Some think the Sylph of Space created them, uh, as something of a joke. Either way, though, they weren’t supposed to be the murderous creatures you met today, and the earliest rainbow drinkers were beautiful trolloids, of great sensitivity and strength, who never died and made wonderful matesprits. Also, the Sleeping Empress promised to keep them in line just in case anything did go wrong, as part of her role as a uniter of sub-species.

“However, our universe was recreated from the beginning, just as if another vast croak had actually happened, and it took a long time for Alternia to be formed out of the space matter, and then some more time for trolls to become the dominant lifeform, establish the lusus system, and so forth. So until there was a planet for the Sleeping Empress to rule, she had to wait somewhere else. And since for a time there simply weren’t any planets at all, she had to go somewhere else… to the horrorterrors.

“As you all know from class, the horrorterrors don’t live inside our universe, or any universe at all. They live somewhere called the Furthest Ring, a liminal space between… well, between everything, really. Hard as it is to imagine, we think that at the time something bad had been happening to them, and the astrological pantheon had saved them, so the Sleeping Empress had a favor to call in. Some documents also mention that her lusus may itself have been a horrorterror, or part horrorterror, or something – it’s not very clear. Either way, she seemed confident that living with them until Alternia was ready for her wouldn’t be a problem.

“She was wrong.

“Remember that I’m talking about a time period almost beyond comprehension. Trolls have only existed on Alternia for a few million solar sweeps, but the universe already had existed for billions before that, even before Alternia became conceivably habitable for her. Some think she probably even used her powers as the Witch of Life to speed things up a little, but she still spent billions of sweeps alone with the horrorterrors. No matter what sort of immunity she had at the beginning – and nobody thinks that anyone else could have lasted longer – eventually it broke down. In the end, Feferi Peixes, as she had once been known, was no more.

“When trolls finally came along, she returned to Alternia and took over. All her dreams of unity were long erased at this point. She took the rainbow drinkers that the Sylph of Space had imagined as beautiful, sparkling paragons and tried to strip their charm from them. She was only partially successful, since the Sylph had also been a god – we don’t know if she ever tried to bring back the blood hierarchy, but presumably the Knight of Blood’s powers would have prevented that somehow – but she was able to strip the charm from the vast majority of rainbow drinkers and turn them into mindless, bloodthirsty servants. Only a few were strong enough to resist her powers and remain aloof from their hunger and her corruption, and while these stronger ones would continually spring up from time to time, they were always overwhelmed and slain by the superior numbers of the Empress’s followers. The good-hearted rainbow drinkers were sometimes known as ‘Cullens’ – some think this is where our term `culling’ comes from, the removing of unwanted trolls from society.

“As for the sea trolls, they were the Empress’s most loyal servants, calling themselves the Glubbites. They followed her every command and hoped to be turned into rainbow drinkers themselves in reward, and she would occasionally grant that wish for one or two of them in recognition of especially devoted service or some such deeds.

“Troll society continued to evolve under her rule, however fearfully, and finally a serious resistance force arose, led by four individuals called the Guardians, because they were trying to guard the troll people against the eternal control of the Empress. Official histories of Alternia, of course, will tell you that the guardians were rebelling against some other ruler entirely, but the lore of the horrorterrors and the Sleeping Empress links this all together under the millennia-long rule of Feferi Peixes. Anyway, the oldest of the four guardians used a primitive sort of gun, since those had recently been invented at the time. They mostly traveled the Empress’ lands in his airship. There were also a strong man of intense loyalty, a tall woman who excelled in manipulating others but would always strive to outdo the achievements of the other three guardians, and finally the Slayer. Or he may have been called the ‘Strider’ – records are spotty, but Slayer is the more common name, and all the later ones have been unambiguously called Slayers, so there we are.

“The Slayer wielded a long sword and was said to be as fast as the lightning. He would cut down rainbow drinkers and glubbites alike if they tried to aggrieve him, or simply humiliate them and leave them in the dust while he and the other guardians sought greater challenges. The Empress lived deep underwater, dispatching orders to the outside world through her supernatural powers or by way of the glubbites, but eventually the oldest guardian modified his airship to travel beneath the seas as well and the battle was joined.

“Eventually, the Slayer managed to plunge his sword directly into the Empress’s heart. At this point, even that wasn’t enough to kill her, but she was seriously wounded, and the horrorterrors broke through the fabric of the universe to reclaim her until she could be healed. Her rule was finally over. The glubbites, without their leader, retreated beneath the seas, where they have supposedly maintained a cult existence ever since, confident that one day their leader would return to power.

“As for the rainbow drinkers, although the guardians tried to eradicate them while the trolls gradually reclaimed their own destiny, in the end there were too many to be killed all at once. They continued to resurge from time to time, making isolated attacks or even serious coordinated assaults on various parts of troll society, but some troll would always awaken as the new Slayer to battle them, sometimes accompanied by other callbacks to the first guardians, and the rainbow drinkers were always ultimately defeated. Their last attack took place thousands of sweeps ago, and until now, everyone was sure they were gone for good. Obviously they retain a place in folklore, mostly used by lusi to keep young trolls from wandering too far out of sight.”

 

There was a silence after Scratch had finished. Kanaya sat still, trying to comprehend that the laughing fish-troll she had summoned three days ago – who could almost have been cute, had she had not been so scary – was older than the universe and had once ruled Alternia for more solar sweeps than she knew how to count. Moreover, that same once all-powerful ruler, once a sort of god, was now back and presumably plotting against her, and she had somehow been designated to prevent this from occurring. She risked a look to her side. Karkat was fidgeting nervously, a steady stream of alternating obscenities and prayers escaping quietly from between his lips. Terezi had repositioned herself sometime during the story to sit up on the back of her chair and was leaning forward, deep in thought. Scratch’s face, of course, had no features and therefore showed no emotion.

“H3R3S WH4T 1 DONT UND3RST4ND” said Terezi after a minute, still not looking directly at Scratch on account of his blinding white face. “WHY 4R3 TH3Y B4CK 4FT3R B31NG 4SL33P L1K3 FOR3V3R”

Scratch hesitated, then looked at Kanaya. Terezi looked at Kanaya. Karkat called Kanaya an idiot and looked at her. Kanaya gulped.

“It’s Not Really My Fault” she managed, realizing even as she said them that her words were a thin denial at best. “Everyone Around Here Is Always Saying Things They Don’t Mean Which Is Bad Enough When Karkat Does It But Now I Cannot Even Be Assured Of My Own Teachers Sincerity Which Leads To Certain Backup Measures”

“YEAH, WE GET THAT YOU MANAGED TO INHERIT YOUR SOCIAL SKILLS DIRECTLY FROM YOUR GRUBHEADED LUSUS” – Kanaya made an effort to point out that more of her lusus was grublike than just its head, but spoke too softly and failed to interrupt him – “BUT THAT DOESN’T EXPLAIN A GODDAMN THING.”

“K4N4Y4 4R3 YOU R34LLY S4Y1NG YOU C4NNOT UND3RST4ND TROLL1NG” Terezi’s mouth was split open in an enormous grin, but Kanaya felt hopeful that there was no true malice lurking in her words or expression. “TH4T 1S TH3 FUNN13ST TH1NG 1 H4V3 H34RD 4LL D4Y”

“Yes That Is My Predicament In The Shell Of A Single Seeded Fruit” said Kanaya. “I Think I Am Getting Better But It Is A Very Difficult Endeavor That Is Also Entirely Beside The Point Which Is My Ill Advised Excursion Into The Library On The Perigee Day Which By The Way Was Not My Only Instance Of Ill Advisicity On Said Day”

“OKAY, KANAYA, YOU CAN SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT MY WRIGGLING DAY NOW,” said Karkat. “JUST BECAUSE I FORGAVE YOU ONCE DOESN’T MEAN I WON’T TAKE IT BACK IF YOU KEEP BLATHERING ON ABOUT HOW SORRY YOU FEEL, SO GET WITH THE PROGRAM AND TELL US YOUR FUCKING STORY.”

“Very Well Karkat” Kanaya smiled at her moirail, who seemed to be completely back to normal, and continued. “As I Was Saying I Went Into The Library As I Frequently Find Myself Doing To Determine The Veracity Of Certain Statements Made In Class In This Case Concerning The Nature Of The Horrorterrors We Were Instructed To Write About For Our Biophobia Final”

“In The Process Of Reading Through An Excellent Book On The Subject By A Mildly Unhinged Author I Came Across A Spate Of Handwritten Poetry Including An Invocation To One Empress Named Fef And I Made The Mistake Of Reading It Out Loud”

Karkat stared dumbly at her. “UN FUCKING BELIEVABLE, KANAYA. WHAT THE HELL POSSESSED YOU TO READ AN INVOCATION YOU FOUND WRITTEN IN A BOOK ABOUT FUCKING HORRORTERRORS? WHAT, DO YOU HAVE SOME SORT OF DEATHWISH? I BET THOSE RAINBOW DRINKERS COULD CERTAINLY OBLIGE!”

“Karkat Please I Have No Deathwish And Moreover I Did Not Believe At The Time That Magic Was Real” She looked desperately for signs in his face that this was an acceptable defense, but found none. She considered adding that she had only read the invocation “ironically,” but suspected he would compare her to Troll Alanis Morissette in terms of not understanding the word.

Before she could think of anything else to say, Terezi cut in. “1V3 H34RD B3TT3R D3F3NS3S FROM MY SC4L3M4T3S” Kanaya decided not to ask what a scalemate was. “OF COURS3 M4G1C 1S R34L MS 4SP4R4GUS F4C3 MY SCOURG3 S1ST3R C4N M4N1PUL4T3 OTH3R TROLLS M1NDS SO 1M PR3TTY SUR3 1T 3X1STS”

Kanaya, who had not even noticed that she had been blushing until Terezi called her asparagus face, blushed harder and turned despairingly to Scratch for assistance. He coughed. “Yes, well, I think the thing to remember while we all try not to assign blame to one another, um, is that the invocation wouldn’t have worked if anyone else had read it. It’s Kanaya’s status as the Slayer that allowed her to summon the Sleeping Empress in the first place. So really, it ought to have been quite harmless, and the fact that she could perform it maybe just means that she was somehow meant to! It can be quite hard to tell with these sorts of things.”

“ALL RIGHT, WE’RE NOT ASSIGNING BLAME,” said Karkat, finally ceasing to glare at Kanaya. “BIG WHOOP. NOW TELL US WHAT WE’VE GOTTA DO NEXT SO WE CAN ALL GET OUT OF HERE, WORK ON OUR FINALS, AND BUST SOME BLOODSUCKING ASS.”

“ ‘We’ have ‘gotta’ do nothing,” said Scratch, seemingly unfazed by Karkat’s latest outburst. “The two of you are ordinary first-scratch – first-pupation, in the Lord’s green name! – high school students, and you aren’t even taking Grief this pupation. I’ve told you all this because you deserved to know what you fought against, but you need to focus on your finals and not endanger your lives any further. Kanaya is the slayer, and she can tolerate the sunlight that will increasingly become the rainbow drinkers’ domain as they recoup their sleeping intelligence, and that is the only reason I am willing to send her out there to fight them alone.”

He turned to Kanaya. “Kanaya, I think you will have to patrol Bent in the daylight, at least until we have a better understanding of the rainbow drinkers’ patterns. Obviously this will impact your working on your finals, and I can call in a few favors with my fellow faculty to get you some temporary extensions. As far as I’m concerned, you have passed your Biophobia final already through independent study.”

“L3T M3 H4V3 4 WORD 4LON3 W1TH K4RKL3S 4BOUT TH1S” said Terezi, and pulled Karkat, who looked to be on the verge of exploding, out of the room behind her. Kanaya looked hopelessly at Scratch once they had departed. “I Appreciate The Extensions On My Finals But I Really Dont Understand Why I Have To Do All This Myself” She looked for the right words. “We Have Tremendous Armies Of Properly Trained Soldiers Just Offplanet Why Do We Not Simply Ask For Their Help Instead”

Scratch sighed heavily and pulled his chair closer to the desk between them. “Kanaya, I swear I will do that if this proves too much for you. I am putting you in harm’s way for a very selfish reason, and I ask you to hear me out.

“Consider your teachers. The Blubberer, the Stabmonger, myself, and so on. Most of the people employed at this school, from the principal on down, are not trolls. It is exceedingly difficult for us to find jobs on Alternia. Many of us receive death threats on a weekly basis, and that is truly impressive given how little trolls otherwise care about mail. We are all incredibly grateful to have our positions here, and before any of our students are enrolled, we meet with their lusi to make sure they understand who will be teaching their charges and accept it. Bent is hardly the largest city on Alternia, and we are all lucky to have found such acceptance here.

“If the army arrives, we don’t know what might happen. There are plenty of stories of armies arriving in towns and taking over the schools as barracks, fortresses, and so on. The military doesn’t have much respect for the vocational school system, or for anyone else, for that matter. Bent is basically a city of trolls who rejected the military life and are trying to live peacefully instead. If we lose our jobs here, who knows what might happen to us? Or to all of you, our students, if your school goes out of commission? The security of this whole school and we its faculty rest on Bent staying quiet. If you need help, I promise I will send for it. But do you understand why I’m asking you to be the Slayer? Outside help could destroy this whole city and everything its citizens have worked to make it. This is what the Slayer does, what they’re chosen for, every generation the rainbow drinkers have arisen.”

Kanaya swallowed. “Im Only Six Solar Sweeps Old” she said, looking at the floor. “And What If Somebody Sees One Of The Rainbow Drinkers And Reports It”

“No one’s going to do that,” said Scratch. “Alternia is convinced that rainbow drinkers are a fairy tale creation at best, or a thing of the distant past at worst. If someone ran into Green Sun one day screaming about weremusclebeasts, what would you think?”

“I Would Think Their Think Pan Was Damaged”

“Exactly. And anyone who sees a rainbow drinker is going to know that that’s how everyone would react, and they won’t say anything, in case they’d be laughed at or even culled. We can trust the rest of the teachers, and I’ll explain everything to your lusus personally, but beyond that, this should be kept as quiet as possible. Fortunately, most trolls aren’t going to be around in the sunlight hours anyway.”

Before Kanaya could think of anything else to say, Karkat strode back in, closely followed by Terezi. He glared furiously at them both. “ALL RIGHT, YOU TWO BLITHERING MORONS, LISTEN UP. KANAYA, YOU CAN GO OUT ON PATROL IF YOU FUCKING WANT TO, WHILE WE WRITE OUR FINALS LIKE GOOD LITTLE PANSYASSES. BUT IF THINGS GET TOO HOT FOR YOU OUT THERE – AND I DON’T JUST MEAN THE SUN, NUMBNUTS! – YOU COME TO US RIGHT AWAY AND WE’LL SORT THE WHOLE THING OUT.”

“But Karkat” Kanaya began, still not entirely sure about the whole thing, but he cut her off. “THAT WAS NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION, BY THE WAY! AS A REPRESNTATIVE OF THE STRATEGY AND LEADERSHIP CLASS OF THIS FUCKING SCHOOL, I AM GIVING YOU A DIRECT ORDER.”

“4ND BY TH3 W4Y” said Terezi to Scratch, and Kanaya could tell she was enjoying every word of it, “ONC3 OUR F1N4LS 4R3 OV3R W3R3 FR33 TROLLS UNT1L TH3 N3XT PUP4T1ON 4ND YOU H4V3 NO CONTROL OV3R WH4T W3 DO OR WH4T W3 F1GHT” She put a firm arm around Kanaya’s shoulder. “G1V3 US 4 F3W D4YS 4ND W3LL B3 R1GHT OUT TH3R3 W1TH YOU 1 M34N WHOS 4FR41D OF TH3 SUN 4NYW4Y”

Scratch looked from Karkat to Terezi to Kanaya and slumped slightly back in his chair. “I guess there’s nothing else I can say to convince any of you of anything. Kanaya, it’s all up to you. Will you be the Slayer?”

“All Right” said Kanaya finally, trying not to look at what reactions her words caused in the other three’s faces. “I Will Go Patrol Around Once The Sun Comes Up And I Promise That If Anything Goes Wrong I Shall Abscond And Let All Of You Know About It Immediately” Her voice cracked, and she took a moment to recover her composure. “Now If Youll Excuse Me Mr Scratch I Have A Few Hours Of Darkness Left To Work On My Finals”

She also planned to spend the first part of those hours thanking and hugging Karkat and Terezi until they both made her stop, and then maybe going out for cotton candy or something if maybe they thought that would be nice and wouldn’t be too inconvenienced, but there was no sense in telling that part to Scratch.

 

A few hours later, with the cotton candy taste still more or less fresh in her mouth and her purse a beetle lighter, Kanaya watched the rising sun from a city park and realized she had no idea how one went about patrolling a city. Did one just walk around in circles waiting for something dangerous to happen? Explore the city methodologically, zigging and sagging back and forth until every city block was covered? She wasn’t even sure if Bent was arranged in anything resembling a grid in the first place. Perhaps patrolling took place on the roofs instead? Ardra had told her stories about caped crusaders sitting on top of tall buildings – the capes, she supposed, were to protect them from the sunlight – watching for any traces of crime. On the other hand, even if she found a way onto a roof, Kanaya was not at all sure how she was supposed to get down to the street level quickly if she did see any rainbow drinkers below. Unless the rainbow drinkers were also on top of buildings, but that seemed a singularly bad place to look for potential victims. Or maybe she could try to break into the sewer system?

In the end, Kanaya decided that she simply didn’t know enough about the city to make any real plans, and set out at random. Scratch had said that Bent was comparatively small, but she had no basis at all for comparison and was surprised to find it took her a full hour walking straight to reach the city’s north edge, where it bordered on the fierce Dead Sea, named after the fate of many trolls who sought to voyage across it unprepared. Kanaya found herself in Bent’s shipyard, which was almost empty at that hour. Enormous vessels lay beached around her, many in the process of having their hulls refitted and strengthened against the Dead Sea’s various forms of destructive wildlife. Suddenly paranoid, she swung around to stare at the sea, but there was no sign of the sea trolls – the “Glubbites” – that had once worshipped Feferi Peixes. Scratch had said they probably still lived somewhere beneath the waves, waiting for their leader; surely they would know someone that she had returned? The seaside was probably a good place to return to on future patrols.

Kanaya ignored a trenchcoated troll trying to sell her a contraband “~ATH for Assholes” book and headed back into Bent proper. This side of the River Nomersey, which ran south from the Dead Sea and effectively bisected the city, was largely residential, although Kanaya passed several large and foreboding warehouses as well. On one street she found a gaily-painted Questbed Hotel, whose large sign promised delicious seaside cuisine as well as spacious recuperacoons and a sopor-filled hot tub, and Kanaya remembered that the cotton candy had already been some hours ago and she was feeling tired and hungry. It was time to go back to her hive. She had not visited nearly as much of Bent as she had hoped to, but the next day she would wake up later and so be able to stay up later, and perhaps bring some food along with her as well.

Ardra was fast asleep on the western edge of their little oasis, white grub skin gleaming in the sunlight, when Kanaya got home a while later. She undid the three bolts on the hive’s main door and let herself in, more consciously thankful than ever for trolls’ insistence on security. The rainbow drinkers would have a hard time getting at anyone who wasn’t already outside; unfortunately, many of the trolls who would be outside in the daylight were probably addled or homeless or otherwise relatively defenseless. Kanaya had gotten the impression that fewer such citizens would be left alive in other parts of Alternia, but that was hardly an excuse to let the rainbow drinkers at them, particularly if they could use them to increase their numbers…

Kanaya let out a small curse of the same intensity that Karkat probably used whenever he accidentally put on his shirt on backwards. Since the Biophobia final had concerned horrorterrors, not rainbow drinkers, she had largely skipped over those sections of the grimoire, and was thus relying on popular culture’s ideas of how rainbow drinkers worked, when Scratch could undoubtedly have given her more extensive and accurate information had she only thought to ask. Classes were over for the pupation, with finals due to be turned in a few days later, so she had no idea if he’d be at Green Sun the next day, let alone where he lived or how else to contact him. In retrospect, much more detailed plans ought to have been made.

After a brief meal of reheated hopbeast, Kanaya stripped and climbed wearily into her recuperacoon. From griefing against the Sinister Stabmonger to her brief patrol through the east side of Bent, it had been a very long day. She slept soundly, the sopor effectively canceling all encroaching nightmares, and did not wake up until only a few hours before sunrise. Ardra was very concerned when Kanaya finally came outside to greet her, but she explained that she had been busy with finals until very late and had needed a long rest. She wanted to tell her lusus everything, but remembered that Scratch had said he would take care of it personally, and she didn’t want to run the risk of Ardra forbidding her from patrolling before she even encountered any more rainbow drinkers. Surely if she had a victory or two under her belt before the explanation, Ardra would be much more understanding.

The moment Ardra fell asleep, not long after the sunrise, Kanaya took off for Bent, this time heading for the western half, across the Nomersey. There were almost certain to be more trolls out in the sunlight downtown than in the residential areas, and it seemed probable that the rainbow drinkers would be drawn to the place with the most potential victims. She did not need to look very long. A scream of “Heeeeeeeelp!!!!!!!!” emitted from the entrance to a tall, brightly painted warehouse across the street from the Dark Carnival. As Kanaya rounded the corner, lipstick at the ready, she saw three trolls – no, rainbow drinkers, she could tell from their fangs and eyes – threatening a long-haired girl, who was pressed against one side of the enormous warehouse doorway and fending them off with her bright blue sun parasol.

Kanaya came to a stop a few feet away and considered. It would be better to get the rainbow drinkers’ attention and have them come out to her, rather than engage them in the doorway and possibly injure the girl with the blue parasol. Vividly she remembered failing utterly the session the other week in Grief class spent on dramatic oneliners; the only student who had done more poorly than her had been an awkward boy named Tavros, who hesitated a lot and had little to no self confidence. He had not come back to Green Sun after that day, a fact which the Sinister Stabmonger had expressed absolutely no interest in. Now, though, she was about to attack three rainbow drinkers in broad daylight and rescue an innocent civilian, and it was time to surpass her previous failures and come up with one truly dramatic oneliner.

“Um,” she said boldly, lipstick transforming smoothly into its chainsaw form, “Hello There Please Stop That”

Kanaya’s shoulders slumped even as the rainbow drinkers abandoned their more defenseless prey to attack her instead. She was almost glad that Karkat and Terezi weren’t along, since they would never have let her hear the end of that. Now, though, she had to focus. Through some combination of the sunlight and the elapsed time since her last battle, these were not the slow, shuffling rainbow drinkers from the empty classroom. These three were fast and agile as normal trolls, and somewhat less concerned for their own safeties. Fortunately, she had an alchemagical chainsaw and they were still unarmed, and there didn’t seem to be any bystanders in the area besides the girl with the parasol.

As the first rainbow drinker neared her, she swung her chainsaw in the same glittering arc that had proved so effective against its earlier cousins. It leapt beneath the swing and made a grab for her legs which she only narrowly jumped backwards away from. For a moment she missed the mental list of possible strategies from Griefing, all somehow grouped around a common letter, but this was a real battle with none of the formal trappings of the classroom. It was time to prove that she was really the Slayer. Or the latest reincarnation of the Slayer, or the host of some bodiless Slayer Spirit, or she didn’t know but she really had to concentrate on the fight and stop thinking so much before it got her killed or worse.

One of the Sinister Stabmonger’s favorite sayings was “use your enemy’s strength against him.” Or, sometimes, “her.” He had always been talking about taking control of powerful artifacts and weapons, but Kanaya saw no reason it couldn’t apply to physical strength just as well. The first rainbow drinker was on its feet again and crouching for another spring. She waited patiently and lowered the chainsaw, pretending signs of fatigue. The rainbow drinker leapt at her and she darted to the side, bringing the chainsaw up and through it in the air. Bloodless, her foe crumpled to the ground as she turned to meet the second, who was approaching her more warily.

Kanaya studied him intently. This rainbow drinker was wearing a torn and bloodied military uniform, with several chevrikens and a badge bearing the Bent town seal. Apparently he had been some sort of local war hero before his resurrection into the leagues of the undead, and either his training or her success with his comrade was making him resistant to attack her directly. They both looked around them for possible weapons or strategic terrain, but the street was empty and unlittered. It looked like she would have to take the offensive.

Quickly, trying not to telegraph her motions too much in advance, Kanaya sprang forward at it, bringing her chainsaw down in front of her as she moved. It flung itself downward to the ground and raised one clawed hand up at her. Kanaya felt a surge of pain as she landed and looked down to see that its claws had scratched across her stomach. Blood – her blood – was leaking to the sidewalk below. She had been too careless. However, she had managed to chainsaw off the arm that had so injured her, and while the rainbow drinker did not appear to be in any sort of pain, it now had fewer ways to attack her and would probably be off balance. More importantly, it was on the ground and she was still standing. Perfect. She turned around before it could clamber to its feet and aimed another swing of the chainsaw at it. It crawled backwards as best as it could with only one full arm. She swung again, and it backed up, several more times, before they reached the wall of the Dark Carnival and it could move no farther back. It took an instant too long to realize this and Kanaya had sliced off its head before it had managed to roll to the side. She wondered if she would ever get used to their total lack of blood.

There had been three rainbow drinkers. She whirled around in case the third was about to attack her, but it was nowhere in sight. The street was empty. She was about to relax when she heard another scream from within the warehouse and realized that the girl with the parasol was also missing. She ran into the warehouse through the door, which was much larger than necessary for trolls and probably was used by motorized carts carrying supplies in and out of the building.

Once Kanaya was inside the warehouse, it took a moment for her eyes to adjust to the darkness after all the sunlight outdoors. At first she couldn’t find them anywhere, but a sound from above caught her attention and she looked towards the ceiling. Some twelve feet above was a long, railed wooden walkway, reachable by a nearby ladder. The walkway was apparently used for the control of several ropes weighted which hung next to it, passing through various pulleys at the top of the room and supporting large wooden platforms covered in boxes. In the middle of the railway, the long-haired girl was still fending off the third rainbow drinker, which had apparently followed her inside, with her blue parasol, but she was gradually losing ground. Kanaya ran to the ladder and climbed as quickly as she could, although she had never used one before and her steps were hesitant.

The rainbow drinker noticed her as she gained the top of the ladder and approached it along the walkway. It seemed to be weighing its options. Like the other two, it was weaponless and there was little room for it to dodge on the narrow walkway. After a moment, it clambered over one of the rails and fell to the floor below, seemingly uninjured.

“It’s getting away!” said the girl, closing her parasol with shaking hands. Kanaya looked at the scene before her and was reminded of a scene from one of Karkat’s movies. He would love her forever if she could pull this off. As the rainbow drinker began to run for the exit, she reached forward with her chainsaw and cleanly cut through one of the many ropes hanging alongside the walkway. Detached from its weight, the rope sped through the pulleys above, and the platform it had been suspending fell firmly on top of the fleeing rainbow drinker before it could get outside. A rush of delight filled Kanaya. This was what being the Slayer was all about, and no one was going to say she wasn’t good enough at it.

Kanaya smiled and turned her chainsaw back into a tube of lipstick. She turned to the troll she had rescued to offer some words of comfort, and then stopped, getting her first good look at her. It was the beautiful girl with the white dress from the Dark Carnival two nights ago.

“Thank you, Sl8yer!” she said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Almanacs of the [Dead Sea Trolls](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dead_Sea_Scrolls) were too easy a pun to pass up.  
> The [namesake](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/River_Mersey) of the River Nomersey. No other geographical correspondences are intended.  
> "Chevriken" is a portmanteau of [chevron](http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/chevron) and [shuriken](http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/shuriken).


	4. A Tender Moment

“Okay Two Questions” said Kanaya, hoping it would be clear from context that she meant that she had two questions and was going to ask them both, “Why Were You Staring At Me The Other Night In The Dark Carnival And Why Did You Just Call Me That Strange Word I Have Definitely Never Heard Before From Anyone Ever”

The other troll leaned her parasol against one of the rails along the walkway and laughed happily. "Hehehehehehehehe! God, you're a 8ad liar, Kanaya. So 8ad! 8ut don't worry, I won't tell anyone you're the slayer if you don't waaaaaaaant me to!"

Kanaya stared, heavily disconcerted despite the pleasant sing-song quality of the girl’s voice. “To My Previous Two Questions I Would Like To Append A Third Concerning How You Came To Know My Name And Perhaps Also A Fourth Concerning Yours”

“Of course!” said the girl. “My name's Vriska, 8ut you can keep on thinking of me as the 8eautiful girl if you'd rather."

“Did You Just Read My” Kanaya stopped, realizing how ridiculous her question would have sounded had she said it. Vriska, if that was indeed her name – it sounded slightly familiar, but Kanaya couldn’t place where she might have heard it before. – was very intriguing, despite the eyepatch, and her simple look of open jacket over black signshirt definitely worked for her, but surely she couldn’t read minds. “Ur I Mean Why Do You Think I Thought Of You As A Beautiful Girl”

"Oh, I don't know!!!!!!!!" said Vriska. "I'm just specul8ing, 8ecause plenty of trolls think I'm 8eautiful! Pro8a8ly all of them, actually!"

“At The Risk Of Not Committing To That Point I Think There Are Still Rather A Number Of My Questions You Have Not Yet Answered”

"Right, right! Oh, th8s will 8e so gr8!!!!!!!! You're so str8forward, I like you 8lre8dy! Anyway, I know your name's Kanaya 8ecause I go to your school! I mean, I'm not actually enrolled or anything 8ecause I have too many irons in the fire to commit to something like th8t, 8ut some days I hang out there and investig8 a few classes."

“And Nobody Notices You”

"Was that a question? It's k8nda hard to tell with you sometimes! 8ut yeah, honestly I think that a lot of the teachers have trou8le telling us trolls apart anyway, since they're... well, wh8tever they 8re. Not trolls. So I just walk in and sit down in Grief or Str8egy or something. Mostly history! You like history, right?"

Kanaya began to lose all hope of being remotely in charge of the conversation. “It Is An Engrossing Subject With Many Fascinating Characters I Particularly Enjoy The Exploits Of The Gr8 I Mean Great Legislacerators”

"You too, huh? Man, it's l8ke all girls are into legislacer8ors. All of them! I must admit, I'm mostly into history hoping I'll learn something a8out my 8ncestors, 8ut it's a gr8 class."

“Vriska Please You Are Proving Very Bad At Answering My Questions”

"Soooooooo fussy! Come on to the d8rk carnival with me and I'll show you where I was w8ing to get a look at you that night, 8ll right? 8esides, we've got to get you patched up 8efore you 8leed aaaaaaaall over the floor."

Kanaya looked down to where Vriska was pointing and suddenly remembered that one of the rainbow drinkers had clawed her. She hadn’t time to think of it during the battle, but obviously it hadn’t gone away and now she was slowly leaking her brilliant jade green blood all over the warehouse. It was incredibly embarrassing. “Umm Yes In That Case If You Have Any Bandages Or The Like Then I Would Be Quite Gr8ful I Mean Grateful Sorry”

"Aww, are you imit8ing me? Th8t's s8 sweet!!!!!!!!!" Vriska’s grin reached a length Kanaya had only seen before exhibited by Terezi. "I kind of get in a lot of fights, so I've got a 8unch of 8andages and all that stuff in my place at the carnival. Come on!"

Kanaya knew she had plenty more patrolling to do before the day was over, but she was bleeding, she still hadn’t gotten this Vriska girl to explain much of anything, and there was a certain infectious charm about her that would probably have made Kanaya want to follow her anyway. She checked to make sure she still had her lipstick with her, just in case, then nodded and followed Vriska down the ladder and across the street to the Dark Carnival, guiltily watching the drops of blood fall behind her. The watchlusus apparently recognized Vriska, and it let them both in without any charge, albeit grudgingly. Kanaya smiled at it as she walked inside but wasn’t sure how to tell from its doglike face whether it reciprocated.

"This 8ne guy named Gamzee Makara runs the carnival," Vriska was saying as they entered the main dance room, which was nearly empty at that point in the daylight, "and I'm renting out a respite8lock upstairs from him, ever since I had to m8ve out of my stupid hive. I h8 having confront8ions with him, though, he's such a creep."

“What About Your Lusus”

"Oh, she lives in that warehouse we were in. She wouldn't 8e a8le to fit through a smaller door than that. Quit fussing, Kanaya, I'll explain everything in juuuuuuuust a moment!" Vriska laughed to herself and put away her parasol, though Kanaya thought it didn’t seem to vanish completely but instead perhaps morphed into a number of small blue objects which Vriska’s hand enveloped before she could get a good look at them.

The upstairs respiteblocks were reached by a flight of steep circular stairs in a back room of the Carnival, which Vriska warned Kanaya about in advance. Vriska led the way to her block and stared pointedly at the door, which opened after several seconds. It didn’t seem very secure to have a door that just opened when people stood in front of it for long enough, but Kanaya couldn’t tell what else she might have done to trigger it.

Vriska’s respiteblock was small, and Kanaya got the impression that the girl either didn’t spend much time in it or had just recently moved in, since there were enormous spiderwebs hanging from the ceiling and several boxes lay in one corner apparently unpacked. A large poster of a street tough maverick covered most of one wall of the small space, and a red computer, open to a tab of the Arachne web browser, sat on a beaten-up desk beside the largest recuperacoon Kanaya had ever seen. Vriska noticed her looking at it, and for the first time thus far, Kanaya saw her excited demeanor slip.

"I have some pretty 8ad dreams," said Vriska, looking at the recuperacoon with what looked like a mixture of sadness and distaste. "I need one that 8ig or otherwise I can't sleep at all anymore."

Kanaya wasn’t sure what to say, and so put a comforting hand on Vriska’s shoulder. Vriska started for a moment, then relaxed into it, a more peaceful smile on her face. Her shoulder was cool – Kanaya suspected a bluish shade of blood, although she couldn’t be sure – but comfortable, and she rested her hand there for several seconds before realizing it was awkward and pulling away too quickly. “You Said Something About Bandages”

Vriska let out a small sigh and straightened upright. "Sorry. Yeah. Let's get you fixed up. I'll explain why I called you slayer, too, 8ut I don't want your 8lood all over my respite8lock.”

Kanaya rested against the recuperacoon, eyes half shut, as Vriska employed some odd herbs to make sure that the claw wounds weren’t too serious and then began applying bandages to them. Fortunately, the wounds were all centered around her stomach, and they had only had to roll up her black signshirt a few inches rather than take it off entirely. Vriska’s fingers were surprisingly gentle, and Kanaya thought tiredly that she’d probably gotten in more fights than she’d let on to be this good with injuries. It had only been daylight for a couple hours and she had more patrolling to do after this, so it was no time to get tired, but there was something inexplicably soothing about Vriska’s touch and presence now that the girl had calmed down a little. She thought she caught a faint scent of some pleasant lemon perfume emanating from her doctor and smiled.

"There," said Vriska a while later, waking Kanaya from her light trance, "good as new. Now you can get out there and slay those stupid rain8ow drinkers as soon as you want!!!!!!!!"

“Right Yes That” Kanaya modestly rolled her shirt back down over the freshly patched injuries and frowned. “You Still Havent Explained How You Know About That”

"I guess I do owe you that story. Mind if I sit?"

“Its Your Respiteblock”

Vriska smiled and sat down next to Kanaya against the recuperacoon. Her perfume was easier to smell now, and Kanaya watched the strange girl as she told her story. She hadn’t noticed before, but there seemed to be a slight glow behind the eyepatch over her left eye. She hoped that Vriska wasn’t secretly something zoologically dubious.

"I'm really not from around here. 8ent, I mean. You know how 8ent's a really peaceful city?" Kanaya murmured assent. “Or, they say they are at least, 8ut they're still training you kids in Grief and all that leadership stuff! They're kind of lousy hypocrites, don't you think?"

“As The Sinister Stabmonger Explained It Other Places Are Much More Violent And We Are Being Trained In Case We Move And So That We Have The Choice To Be Violent Or To Be Peaceful Just Because None Of The Adults Wanted To Be Subjuggalators Doesn’t Mean They Would Stop Anyone Else From Doing It”

"8luh 8luh 8luh," said Vriska, not quite cutting her off. "Really it's just that they're not smart enough to think of anything else. They were 8rought up with violence, so they think nothing of teaching a 8unch of six sweep olds how to kill each other. Trolls can get culled off the streets, even in 8ent. There's no escape from death, no matter how peaceful they say they are. There’s never any escape.”

They both were silent. Kanaya suspected Vriska was still trying to distract her from her questions, but on the other hand, she had never thought about it in quite that much detail. Suddenly the girl closed her good eye, shuddered a little, and opened it again, and Kanaya saw dark blue tears beginning to fall. “I Dont Like The Culling Either Really If That Helps,” she said after a moment.

"Some kind of slayer you must 8e, then," said Vriska. She winced slightly as Kanaya reached forward gently to brush the tears off her face.

“That’s Just For Rainbow Drinkers I Dont Have Powers For Killing Anyone Else And I Wouldnt Want To”

"Then you're going to h8 me for the rest of my story," said Vriska, and looked away. "Is it okay if I use your shoulder? I'm not used to talking to anyone a8out this, really. Kind of sucks.”

Kanaya was not sure precisely what that meant, but felt too much pity for the girl at that moment to say no. Gently, Vriska lay her head down on Kanaya’s shoulder, their black hairs mixing together against the side of the recuperacoon. Kanaya desperately fought down the now-familiar warmth that was spreading to her cheeks as she realized how close they were at that moment and how totally comfortable it felt.

"I'm from an asshole factory off east a ways where no one even pretends to 8e happy little peaceniks," said Vriska, settling in and continuing her story from where she had left off. "My lusus is this stupid giant spider and all she eats is other trolls. When I was really little she'd do the hunting herself, 8ut once I was 8igger she got lazy and told me to do it. To 8ring trolls for her to eat, I mean. If I didn't she'd pro8a8ly either eat me or just die........ I've never had any choice.

"8ut I'm smart, and I got lucky. The first time out on the hunt I found this pair of culled trolls in the middle of nowhere. So I 8rought them home and it turned out she doesn't mind if they're already dead!"

“A Fortunate Happenstance I Suppose”

"Yeah!!!!!!!! So then I had this gr8 plan! I'd just carry off dead trolls 8efore anything else got to them, and my lusus would 8e fine. Culled trolls, murder victims, overa8used slaves, whichever. All I needed was that they 8e dead.

"8ut one day while I was carrying off a corpse, someone saw me. I think the troll had 8een killed in a duel, and his kismesis saw me and thought I was horning in on her territory or something???????? Man, I d8n't even know! And I guess he had 8een really popular, 8ecause pretty soon there was this whole mo8 of trolls after me, so my lusus and I ran away to come here.

"Unfortun8ly this is kind of a small town, and there's not much death 8esides the occasional culling. So my lusus was getting pretty hungry and pissed off, and then somehow I met this girl named Terezi who wants to 8e a legislacer8or. We agreed that she could pick out which trolls were evil and didn't deserve to live! Then we'd take them out and I'd 8ring them 8ack to the warehouse, my lusus would eat them, and everyone would 8e a winner!"

“That’s Where Ive Heard Of You Before” said Kanaya, glad to have figured it out. “Karkat I Mean My Moirail Mentioned That Terezi Liked Hanging Out With You”

"Yeah, she's so gr8!!!!!!!! Our 8ond is so strong there is not a quadrant to contain it. We had to make our own sym8ol to illustr8 it, on the wall over there." Vriska pointed at a wall of the respiteblock that Kanaya had not earlier paid attention to, on which was drawn a strange design resembling a double-headed halberd with a snaky tail. Half of it was drawn in a dark blue suspiciously similar to the color of Vriska’s tears, and the other half in a tealer blue that Kanaya did not recognize. She would have to decide whether she wanted to ask Terezi about that some other time.

"Terezi is going to 8e the 8est legislacer8or in the world, I can just tell. She's so confident! I wasn't nearly as confident as she was, so I'd always 8e worrying my head off that one day we'd kill someone who didn't deserve to 8e killed. 8ut then one day I came to Green Sun a 8it l8 and found this whole cache of dead 8odies in a classroom! I was ecst8tic!!!!!!!!!"

“I Am Glad You Found The Results Of Our Slaughter So Delightful”

"Well, at first I thought may8e it was just a one time thing. Didn't you notice that they were all gone afterward, 8y the way? 8ut I hung around to tell Terezi the good news, only she didn't come out, so I looked around and overheard the 8iopho8ia guy telling this gr8 story a8out how you're the Slayer and you're going to 8e gener8ing lots more dead trolls so I can take them to my lusus and not worry about killing any8ne ever 8gain 8ecause th8y'll be 8lready dead!!!!!!!!!"

All traces of Vriska’s earlier sadness were gone as she raised her arms up in supreme triumph. Kanaya was startled. She really hadn’t given a second thought to what happened to the rainbow drinkers’ bodies after they were rekilled, but she liked the idea that they were feeding a pretty girl’s lusus and keeping her from having to do any more unpleasant murdering. Vriska’s story was very sad, and it sounded like she thought Kanaya might be able to turn her life around by being the Slayer, and that could only be a good thing. As Kanaya thought about it more, though, there still seemed to be one missing piece in the puzzle.

“But The Day You Were Staring At Me From Up Here Was Before Karkat And Terezi And I Ever Killed All Those Rainbow Drinkers” she said at last, “So You Still Havent Answered My First Question”

“Oh,” said Vriska, and straightened herself up from off of Kanaya’s shoulder. "I'd already 8een visiting Green Sun for a while 8y then, you know, and you already looked pretty interesting."

“What Does Interesting Mean” asked Kanaya, but instead of answering directly, Vriska leaned forward and kissed her firmly on the lips.

 

A veritable plethora of thoughts raced through Kanaya’s head as Vrika’s cool lips pressed themselves against hers and the lemony perfume filled her other senses. Her lusus, Ardra, was going to be so happy with her for having apparently found a matesprit, and within her very first pupation, at that. That would certainly take the edge off of things if Ardra was at all worried about her role as the Slayer. Karkat was going to be pleased with her too, though he’d do his best not to show it, and he’d probably spent plenty of time interrogating Vriska to make sure she was a good fit for his moirail. This would probably bring her closer to Terezi, and hopefully Richard Scratch wouldn’t mind too much that another troll had found out about the rainbow drinkers. Mostly, though, her thoughts were about this sensuous, eccentric, extremely pitiable troll kissing her – in her arms now, apparently, though she wasn’t sure quite when that had happened, and Vriska’s arms were around her too for that matter – and the feel and taste and scent of her all over and how validated she felt. Stop Thinking About All That Other Stuff, she thought to herself sternly, as her blood flowed freely from her contracting hermeneutic vascular system to her expanding betadrenoceptic one. Stop Thinking About It And Kiss That Girl. You Kiss That Girl This Instant.

Kanaya had no real idea how to kiss, of course, since she had grown up without giggly recuperovers or any bullies to practice on – “puppy kismesitude,” it was called, though frankly she had no objection to her first kiss being in a much more flushed quadrant than that – but she followed Vriska’s lead, and her newfound lover showed no signs of overt objection. Finally Vriska pulled back, and they both sucked in air, looking at one another with a pleased sort of surprise unusual for trolls.

"Wow, Kanaya!” said Vriska, after a moment. “And here I was afraid you'd kiss like a cold cuttlefish. I guess you're not so caref8l and proper all of the time, hmmmmmmmm?"

“Youre Too Kind” said Kanaya, noticing they were still in each other’s arms but feeling no interest in changing the situation. “I Only Followed You And I Guess You Must Have Kissed Others Before Now”

"Hey, yeah, let's not talk a8out that!" said Vriska, a little too gaily. "What kind of lousy m8sprit would I 8e, 8ragging a8out past conquests after intense sloppy makeouts? Give me credit for a liiiiiiiittle decency!"

Kanaya had basically stopped listening a few words into Vriska’s response. “Matesprit” she said, hesitantly. “Do You Want To Be My Matesprit Then”

"Well, what'd you think that was, kismesissitude???????? Right after we gripe and moan a8out how much we suck at 8eing nice little violent trolls?"

“No I Mean Its Just Ur” Kanaya flailed for words. “Im Extremely Taken Aback And Flattered And Do You Think We Could Do This Properly With Full Solemnitude”

"Pr8p8rly? God, only you, Kanaya! You are the cutest square ever, do you know that?"

“Yes And You Are Possibly At Least Four Sides Removed From Squaredom” said Kanaya, in what she desperately hoped was a flirtatious voice. “Its Only That My Lusus Used To Read Me Many Slimbound Tales Of A Redromantic Persuasion And My Favorite Part Was Always The Matespritshipinal Convocation But Of Course If Its Too Much Bother We Dont Really Have To”

"Jeez, you are so 8ossy! Fiiiiiiiine! 8ut never make those eyes at me again or I'll start missing my left one. Let's do this! You go first: `Dear Vr8ska Serket........' "

Kanaya began, thankful to Vriska for having mentioned her last name, which she certainly had not remembered from Karkat’s offhand mention of her the other night. “Dear Vriska Serket You Have Lived A Difficult And Undeservedly Violent Life Among Trolls Who Sought Your Death And Did Not Appreciate You As I Do Now” She swallowed, thrilled to at last be speaking the words she had so long practiced on pesterbots and trees. “My Pity For You Is Joined By Fondness And I Welcome You Into My Heart As My Matesprit”

It took Vriska a moment to respond, but when she did, her voice was firm with purpose. “Dear Kanaya Maryam: your life kinda sucks! You have to 8attle hordes of the undead, and half the students at your school are pro8a8ly jealous of your lusus! Also your mentor figure is this creepy wh8te-headed guy with no face; pretty odd!!!!!!!! 8ut it gets 8etter, because my pity for you is joined by fondness, and I welcome you int8 my heart as my m8sprit.”

Kanaya’s eyes brimmed with tears, and she leant in to kiss Vriska again. Their second kiss was far shorter, but more confident; they were committed to each other, no longer just near-complete strangers coming together in a moment of shared weakness in a rented respiteblock, and Kanaya at least felt reassured. For once since coming to Green Sun a few perigees ago, maybe there was one troll whom she didn’t have to prove anything to. She still had questions about Vriska’s past, but they would have plenty of time together and there were sure to be other, less emotionally-laden chances to ask them.

“How’s your chest feeling now?” asked Vriska, patting her hand gently just above the top of Kanaya’s claw wounds.

“Better” said Kanaya. “Thanks Again For Your Help With That”

“Of course! Now come on, we’ve got 8lood-sucking 8ogies to slay, or did you forget? My dum8 old lusus is never satisfied.”

“We Do” said Kanaya, then stopped. “Vriska As Your Matesprit I Cannot Ask You To Do This With Me I Am Uniquely Gifted To Be The Slayer”

"And as your m8sprit, I couldn't let you do it alone! Come on, Maryam, I've had plenty of experience killing things with Terezi. I'll 8e so good you won't even know I'm there until everything's dead! Or dead again, I guess. Death sure is pr8tty conf8sing without the finality!"

“You Would Do That For Me”

“Duh! What do you think those vows just now were a8out? Pity, fondness, love you, all that?"

“I Love You Too” said Kanaya, rising to her feet and pulling Vriska up along with her. “But Rainbow Drinkers Prowl In The Daylight And Youre Not As Used To The Sun As I Am What If It Burns Or Blinds You Or Something”

"Who ever heard of someone 8eing 8linded 8y the sun?" asked Vriska with a mischievous smile. "Seriously, Kanaaaaaaaaya, I'll 8e fine. Let me show you my secret weapon!"

With a flourish, Vriska revealed the small blue objects that Kanaya had seen briefly when the parasol vanished. There were eight of them: bright blue eight-sided dice with the numbers marked out in dots. Some sort of pattern seemed to be developing around Vriska with that particular number. “Weapon Object Duality” Kanaya asked, puzzled. “But Surely A Parasol Does Not Count As A Weapon”

"Duality? More like half duality 8ut times 8! And then times 8 ag8in!!!!!!!!" Vriska began rolling the dice one at a time onto the desk next to her computer. "Th8se are gam8lignant dice!!!!!!!! There are m8lli8ns of possi8le rolls, and every single one gets me a different thing to use! The silly old gam8lignants thought they were just for att8cking each other, 8ut you can roll them for other things too, like sun protection." She turned from the eighth die as it fell, grinning at Kanaya. “Maaaaaaaay8e we can try them out l8r and see what else we could use them for!"

Kanaya gulped at the impure images that had suddenly entered her head. What exactly was she getting herself into? Embarrassed, she turned to watch the dice on the desk – 61287812 – as they transformed as one into a bright blue suit of lightweight armor, with Vriska’s symbol engraved on its breastplate. “Perfect!!!!!!!!” said Vriska, hugging Kanaya to her without warning. "It's like a sun8lock and a weapon all in one! Kanaya, this is going to 8e soooooooo gr8!"

 

It took several minutes to figure out how to get Vriska into the armor, but once they did, it proved to be extremely easy to move around in. Vriska’s eyes were shielded by a sheet of blue glass that let in just enough light to see by, and the whole faceplate could also snap upward when necessary. The armor itself had no obvious weaponry, but the metal arms meant that Vriska could hit any attackers with more than enough force to repel them, and she agreed to look around for a serviceable, non-octet-based weapon to use for the actual slaying work.

“They Dont Bleed At All” explained Kanaya as they walked out of the Carnival into the sunshine, “But Otherwise They Die Just Like Anyone Else So I Guess All Their Internal Parts Are Still In Working Order Just Running Off Of Something Else”

“Sunlight, pro8a8ly,” said Vriska, and threw a few quick punches into the shadows. “Come on, let’s go give someone 8esides just me a taste of your lipstick!”

Kanaya smiled, pleased, and they set off through Bent in search of its undead invaders. Kanaya suddenly found slaying to be a lot more pleasant, and not so scary, with somebody beside her, and their explorations were often interrupted as she modestly pulled Vriska out of sight – not that there was anyone walking around at that hour to see them – into an alleyway to test out the hinge on her faceplate and make sure Kanaya’s lipstick was still in working order for its less violent applications. Certainly she would have made faster, less periodically interrupted progress on her own, but she might also have given up and gone home a lot sooner.

Even so, endless wandering was rather dull, and Vriska at least was not especially pleased with how “8right and garish” the city looked with the sun up. Kanaya had never wondered too much about why she was so unaffected by the sunlight, since she had grown up in the desert, but was that really all it took? Was the aversion to the harsh Alternian sun no more than a social construct? Or maybe she had been destined to be the Slayer from the beginning, and her whole life, from her very first wriggling day onward, had been preparing her for this new task. It was a curious thought, but trolls were no strangers to the idea that everyone had a job to do. Karkat was sure he was destined to be the greatest threshecutioner ever known to troll, and apparently Terezi was already practicing legislaceration, but Kanaya had never been too sure what she wanted to do with her life. There were either too many choices or too few, and now apparently the choice had been made for her. And what about Vriska?

"Put a 8eetle in your thinkpan?" asked Vriska, and Kanaya started. She had almost forgotten the girl – her matesprit – was there. She really had to stop getting lost in thought, especially with such company.

“I Was Just Thinking About My Past I Guess” she said. They had been out there for a couple hours and there didn’t seem to be any sign of more rainbow drinkers, no matter where they looked for large concentrations of trolls. “Like Back In The Subterranean Wrigglehole Before We Met Our Lusi”

"Oh, man, I remem8er those days. Or that day, or I dunno. Hard to tell underground. 8ack 8efore I had to spend all my time feeding old spidermom. What were your trials like?"

Kanaya thought back as far as she could, to the time after she had emerged from her cocoon. She had been so tiny – though larger than in the earlier larval stage, which she couldn’t remember at all – and the world had been so large and dangerous. At least some things never really changed. “Most Of Them Were Pretty Normal I Guess Your Standard Underground Ooklimbers And Tectonic Mazes And The Like It Was The Lusus Cavern That Really Sticks With Me

“I Had Just Managed To Wrestle Unconscious A Rodent Thing That Had Been Trying To Devour Me When I Found A Beautiful Underground Lake Lit By Beams From Above

“I Guess It Was Daytime Outside Because There Were These Bright Rays Of Light Shining Straight Down Into The Waters

“Obviously I Had Never Seen Any Real Light Before Just The Natural Phosphorescence Of The Wrigglehole And That Did Not Remotely Compare To Those Incandescent Shafts

“I Looked Into The Lake They Were Illuminating And There Were These Gooey White Frog Creatures Swimming Across The Surface Towards Me From A Sort Of Raised Green Mountain Thing In The Middle Of The Lake That Was Glowing Slightly

“Predictably The Frogs Too Were Trying To Kill Me Or Test Me Or However You Care To Phrase It

“Terminology Really Does Not Matter Very Much When You Have Just Emerged From A Cocoon Some Hours Previous And Ribbiting Animals Want You Dead Strange To Say

“Anyhow I Was Fortunate Enough To Be Able To Break Off A Stalagmite From The Entrance To The Cavern And Fight Them Off With That Since They Were Surprisingly Fragile For Their Extremophiliac Natures

“Even Then I Realized That My Task Was Futile Since The Frogs Kept Coming And Showed Every Sign Of Continuing To Do So Long After I Myself Became Terminally Exhausted And Succumbed To Their Attacks

“So It Occurred To Me That My Only Chance Was To Take The Fight Directly To The Frogs And Address The Problem At Its Root Rather Than Simply Pruning The Most Unpleasant And Catching Branches Of A Bush Whose Very Nature Is Malignant

“If You Will Pardon The Extended Topiary Metaphor

“Understand Of Course That I Had No Such Thought Of Pruning Or Bushes In My Presurfacial Youth I Am Merely Now Projecting Such Concepts Onto Myself

“There Were A Number Of Smaller Bits Of Raised Green Rock Protruding From Other Points In The Lake And I Was Able To Make My Way To The Frogs Glowing Source By Clambering From One To Another Whilst Fending Off My Most Muculent Suitors

“Upon My Arrival At The Glowing Mountain I Discovered That The Frogs Had Been Emerging From A Sort Of Thin Miniature Volcano Despite Showing No Signs Of The Heat One Might Expect From Such Conditions

“Seeking The Most Literal Sort Of Stopgap Solution I Drove My Stalagmite Into The Hole Of The Volcano And Rotated It Several Times So As To Get It In As Firmly And Deeply As Possible

“As I Did This The Whole Cavern Seemed To Shudder And The Lake Around Me Began To Drain And The Frogs That I Had Not Yet Defeated Promptly Fled The Premises

“At The Bottom Of The Cavern Illuminated By The Rays From Above Lay The Virgin Mother Grub Who Was To Be My Lusus And Together We Ascended To The Surface Of Alternia And Enlisted The Carpenter Drones To Help Us Build Our Hive Where We Emerged At An Oasis In The Desert South Of Here

“Since Then She Has Taken Care Of Me And I Have Done My Best To Express My Gratitude To Her For Sacrificing Her Role As A Mother Grub To Protect Me Despite The Early Death That She Will Inevitably Incur At Some Point I Only Dare Hope Is Still Several Solar Sweeps Away”

Kanaya had not noticed while telling her story that they had stopped walking, but now looked around her. They were standing in front of a small white hardware store advertising “Magnificently Serendipitous Paint,” and Vriska, in addition to pity, was aglow with gleeful discovery beneath her raised facemask. "Kanaya, you 8rilliant dummy!" she said, hugging her matesprit to her as gently as she could in the full suit of armor. "Don't you see? That's what we need to do exactly: go to the rain8ow drinkers at the source!!!!!!!!"

“The Source”

"Yeah!!!!!!!! Rain8ow drinkers rise from the sand to eat sunlight and drink 8lood, right? So if we head to the graveyards, we can catch them in the act!"

Kanaya hugged back. That idea made perfect sense. “Vriska I Should Warn You My Pity For You Is Getting Rather Eclipsed By Fondness You Should Do Something Pathetic Before I Forget Myself”

"Yeah, may8e l8r. Come on, we've got 8loodsuckers to 8ludgeon."

“It Seems So Bizarre That Bent Even Has Graveyards” said Kanaya a few minutes later as they headed to the non sea-facing outskirts of the city. “Im Sure It Feels Very Respectful But Surely Leaving The Dead To The Wild Animals Is Both Traditional And Instructional”

"Man, Maryam, it's like you don't learn anything at all in your history cl8ss. Half the reason we did that was 8ecause of the risk of dead 8odies turning into rain8ow drinkers and hunting down whoever had culled them. 8ut hey, like that white-faced guy was saying, no one's seen any undead for thousands of sweeps, so we ch8nged priorities. If you're not worried a8out the corpse killing you, it’s 8est not to have any animals developing a taste for your 8lood either."

Whatever the reason, the number of dead trolls resulting even from Bent’s comparatively pacifistic lifestyle necessitated whole strings of graveyards in the sands surrounding the city. Troll tombstones were shaped like the sign that had been particular to the troll in life, or a generic gender symbol for unidentified victims. In theory it was possible to call for DNA testing on a body, but in practice that was also seen as being too sentimental. Correspondingly, there were rarely any sorts of inscriptions on the tombstones either, and the graveyards received few visits in times of peace except from extremely emotional trolls, which made them ideal battlegrounds for slaying posthumous bloodsuckers. Graveyards were organized into four to three rectangular plots of seventy-two graves apiece, and no fences of any sort were erected around them, lest that interfere with the duties of the imperial graverobblerousers to stir the citizenry to action in times of crisis. Predictably, individual graveyards did not receive proper names.

As they neared their first graveyard of the day, Kanaya could tell that Vriska had had the right idea. She could see the figures of fanged trolls moving around among the graves, glowing faintly even in the midday sun. There were several small mounds of displaced sand nearby indicating where one or more rainbow drinkers had pulled themselves out of the ground to seek revenge on the living, and she began to feel the internal glimmers of purpose and confidence she had felt earlier when disposing of the third rainbow drinker in the warehouse. She had her lipstick, and Vriska had a suit of armor, and these literal suckers stood no chance.

“You Got My 8ack” she asked, standing side-by-side with her matesprit as they surveyed the battleground before them. Her lipstick was drawn and she could already feel the rotational energy seething within it.

“You couldn’t keep me away if you wanted to,” said Vriska, pulling down her faceplate, and they strode forward to slay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, you can tell these characters were meant to be written in pesterlog format only... it's all very well not to _type_ with any punctuation, but the minute you start saying more than one sentence in _spoken_ dialogue, things get tricky. Anyway, notes:
> 
> The root of Vriska's browser's name is certainly recognizable, but for extra measure, here's [Arachne](http://classics.mit.edu/Ovid/metam.6.sixth.html).  
> Kanaya's [hermeneutic](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hermeneutics) [vascular system](http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=004228) and her [betadrenoceptic](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blushing#Physiology_of_blushing) one, because Kanaya runs on overthinking and being awkward.  
> [Underground Ooklimbers.](http://rpgworldcomic.com/d/20030423.html)  
> [Puppy kismesitude](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Puppy_love), matespritshipinal convocation vows, and [graverob](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grave_robbery)[blerousers](http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/rabble-rouser) are all made up for the purposes of the story, but I find them entertaining and/or plausible.


	5. Happy Cat Song part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This episode was getting much too long (because so much dialogue aaaaaaah) so I split it roughly in half. Part B will be posted sometime later on. Pesterlog color codes generated with my [Pesterlog Formatter](http://tachyonlabs.com/sam/pesterlog.html).

The rainbow drinkers posed no great threat that day, nor the next, nor the next. Kanaya was becoming increasingly adept with the chainsaw as her _kind abstra_ whatever Richard Scratch had called it, and found herself frequently able to predict the rainbow drinkers’ attacks before they made them. They were certainly becoming increasingly individualized, but whatever force of destiny had imbued Kanaya with the role of Slayer continued to help her against their varying tactics. Their foremost advantage was in numbers, but Vriska helped neutralize that considerably, and she and Kanaya were quick to the rescue when the other was brought down in combat or otherwise overwhelmed. An extra set of eyes and arms improved the times in the graveyard immensely, both during and after the fights. Influenced by their contorted facial features and bizarre glow, Kanaya was largely able to stop thinking of the rainbow drinkers as trolls, and distinguished them from one another largely by horn shape – since that was immutable and more visible than their glowing faces – and clothing. She had the definite impression that adult trolls dressed better than she and her classmates did, even in death, although when she thought about it further she remembered seeing a number of attractive outfits even among her peers at the Dark Carnival. She wanted to look pretty for Vriska, but she also wanted to look pretty for herself, and so resolved to look into sprucing up her wardrobe a little beyond the bog standard closet of signshirts and plain pants.

Kanaya shared patrol with Vriska each day of the week, meeting up with her at the Carnival in the early morning and heading out to their graveyard shift after exchanging kisses and discovering what new tool the Flourite Octet, as Vriska had named her dice, would provide for sunblocking that day. Vriska’s favorite was a wide blue sombrero with dropdown laser sight, although she was unable to find a long range weapon to complement it with, but Kanaya was most amused the day it produced an enormous magic eight ball for Vriska to ride around inside. They did eventually figure out how to control it, but it was too large to fit out the door of the respiteblock let alone down the stairs and out through the Carnival without injuring random dancers, and rerolling the octet once they had gotten outside predictably failed to reproduce the eight ball, so it was never put to use.

Vriska was quite intelligent, and Kanaya found that talking with her about her History and Troll English papers helped organize her thoughts a great deal, to the point that she was able to turn them in on time. The combination of finals work and her slaying duties did however mean that she got very little sleep that week, a fact Vriska clucked over but did not actually move to prevent. Karkat would certainly have had choice words on the subject, but he was not online to comment, presumably because he was hard at work on his own papers. Kanaya even managed to pull off a reasonable Ultimate Alchemy, although afterwards she was quite unable to describe it to anyone else or even remember what it had involved. Later when she asked Karkat and Terezi about it they reported similar blank spots in their memories, though all three felt they had done an adequate job at whatever it was they had had to do. Kanaya felt that a career in alchemy might be quite interesting, with all the subject’s inexplicabilities, but she supposed she should focus on school and slaying for the time being and let the future show her what options were available for her. Perhaps she was destined for something else she hadn’t even considered yet; the concept of destiny was still a strange one, albeit one that was becoming increasingly plausible as she reflected on how much had been happening in just a few days.

The following weekend, while preparing for another slaying patrol after enjoying a hearty meal with Ardra, Kanaya noticed her lunchtop computer beeping. Her Trollian client was reporting a conversation with one gallowsCalibrator, a tag she did not recognize. Curious, she opened the window and replied.

> gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling gardenAgnostic [GA]  
> GC: K4N4Y4  
> GC: K4N4Y4 1S TH1S YOU  
> GC: 1TS M3 T3R3Z1  
> GA: Hello Terezi Yes Congratulations On Having Tracked Me Down On The Alternet  
> GC: W3LL NO N33D TO G3T SN1PPY 4BOUT 1T NOW >:O  
> GC: 1 GOT YOUR TROLLT4G FROM MR V4NT4S 4S H3 L1K3S TO STYL3 H1MS3LF  
> GC: NOT TH4T 1 4M 1MPR3SS3D BY SURN4M3S OR 4NYTH1NG  
> GA: I Am Sorry Terezi I Was Not Intending To Be Snippy  
> GA: It Is Quite All Right That Karkat Bequeathed You With My Trolltag  
> GA: In Fact I Would Have Asked Him For Yours Before This Had I But Seen Him Online  
> GA: But As It Happens I Have Not  
> GA: I Suspect Finals Got To Him  
> GC: H3H3H3 Y3S F1N4LS W3R3 1NVOLV3D > :]  
> GC: 4NYW4Y TH1S 1S 4 LOV3LY SOC14L C4LL BUT 1 H4V3 4 M3SS4G3 FOR YOU  
> GA: For Me  
> GA: Do Tell  
> GC: MR SCR4TCH CONT4CT3D M3  
> GC: H3 S4YS H3 WOULD L1K3 US 4LL TOG3TH3R FOR 4NOTH3R M33T1NG  
> GC: YOU 4ND M3 4ND K4RKL3S 1 M34N  
> GC: NO ON3 3LS3 1T 1S 4 V3RY S3CR3T M33T1NG  
> GC: TOMORROW 1F TH4T WORKS FOR YOU  
> GA: Tomorrow Would Be Fine  
> GA: Though I Consider It Only Fair To Inform You I Will In Fact Be Bringing Someone Else  
> GA: How Did Mr Scratch Get In Contact With You Then  
> GA: ?  
> GC: W41T WHO 4R3 YOU BR1NG1NG  
> GC: 1 THOUGHT SL4Y1NG W4S 4 PR1V4T3 4FF41R BUT NO YOU W4NT TO BR1NG 1N MOR3 TROLLS  
> GC: K4N4Y4 1 N3V3R KN3W YOU W3R3 SO SOC14L >:O  
> GA: Heh Yes  
> GA: You Shall See Soon Enough  
> GA: Forgive Me If I Wish It To Be A Surprise  
> GA: A Pleasant One However So Do Not Be Alarmed  
> GC: H3H3H3  
> GC: W3LL PL4Y 1T CLOS3 TO TH3 CH3ST 1F YOU L1K3 TH3N K4N4Y4  
> GC: 1 TH1NK SUCH PR1V4CY 1S 4 L1TTL3 S1LLY BUT WH4T DO 1 KNOW  
> GC: 1N TH4T C4S3 1 W1LL NOT T3LL YOU HOW MR SCR4TCH FOUND M3  
> GC: FOR NOW 4NYW4Y  
> GA: Oh Dear  
> GA: I Hope Such Secrecy Does Not Become The Defining Trait Of Our Friendship  
> GC: 4R3 YOU SUR3 YOUR3 NOT B31NG SN1PPY >:]  
> GC: NO WORR13S 1 W1LL T3LL YOU L4T3R 4T TH3 M33T1NG  
> GC: 1 4M V3RY B4D 4T K33P1NG S3CR3TS  
> GC: L3G1SL4C3R4TORS B3L13V3 TH3 TRUTH MUST COM3 OUT 4T 4LL T1M3S  
> GA: Well All Right Then  
> GA: Thank You Very Much For The Notification Terezi  
> GA: Now I Must Go Attend To Slaying But I Shall Apparently See You Tomorrow  
> GC: DO YOU W4NT COMP4NY  
> GA: Ur  
> GA: Not Today Thank You  
> GA: I Am Feeling A Little Seclusive  
> GA: But We Can Work That All Out At The Meeting  
> GC: HMMMM OK4Y K4N4Y4  
> GC: YOU 4R3 D3F1N1T3LY H1D1NG SOM3TH1NG  
> GC: BUT TH3 TRUTH W1LL COM3 OUT >:D  
>   
> gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling gardenAgnostic [GA]

Kanaya shut off her lunchtop guiltily. She wasn’t yet familiar enough with Terezi to have a sense whether the other girl had taken offense at her secrecy or was happy to play along. Much as she liked the idea of surprising them all by introducing Vriska at the meeting – and it would be easier with Vriska there beside her to defend her matesprit if Scratch or Karkat leveled any concerns about her – she didn’t want to jeopardize any other relationships by mistake. She would have to find a way to spend more time with Terezi later to remedy the slight. And she had an idea for an excellent excuse.

 

The next day, Kanaya, having realized too late that Terezi had not actually specified the time of the meeting, was the last to arrive in Scratch’s office. He and her two classmates appeared deep in conversation as she approached, but they cut it off when she entered the door.

“THERE YOU ARE, PINCERFACE,” said Karket, making a vague gesture of recognition. “I HADN’T SEEN YOU SINCE THE LAST TIME WE WERE HERE AND I WAS BEGINNING TO WORRY YOU’D BEEN SUCKED DRY BY ONE OF THOSE RAINBOW DRINKING ASSHOLES.”

“You Cannot Blame Me For That One Karkat” said Kanaya, “You Are The One Who Has Been Offline So Consistently” Inside, she congratulated herself for resisting the urge to apologize. Vriska’s company was doing wonders for her self confidence.

“YEAH, OKAY, FINALS RODE ME LIKE A SHADOW DROPPER IN HEAT, BUT THEY’RE FUCKING OVER NOW. LET’S TALK ABOUT SOME VIOLENCE.”

“…ah, Kanaya,” said Scratch, taking advantage of a break in Karkat’s vigorous diatribing. “Welcome. Are your finals all done?”

“Yes Thank You” said Kanaya, sitting down next to Karkat and smiling across him at Terezi. “I Feel Quite An Expert On The Speech Community Of The Land Of Olives And Warships Should You Ever Find Yourself In Need Of Such A Skill”

“I will certainly keep that in mind,” said Scratch. “For the time being, though, I think we are primarily concerned with corpses of a more local, as well as recent, nature. How have your patrols been going? Have you experienced any troubles?”

“Everything Is Going Very Well” said Kanaya with more than a touch of pride. “Since I Took To Patrolling The Graveyards I Have Amassed Quite A Number Of Slayings Under My Proverbial Belt And They Have But Rarely Given Us Ur I Mean Me Any Remarkable Difficulty

“Karkat Remind Me To Recount To You Later One Particularly Epic Slaying That You Would Appreciate As The Cinematic Connoisseur That You Are” Karkat nodded tersely in reply.

“Wonderful,” said Scratch. “In that case, since I remain unable to convince your two friends here to care for their own safety, well, I thought we could at least have a formal meeting to make plans before you all accustom yourselves to sleeping at night, roaming the streets in the daytime, and killing your respective lusi with worry.”

“1 TH1NK W3 SHOULD H4V3 4 T34M N4M3” said Terezi, “TO STR1K3 F34R 1NTO TH3 H34RTS OF 3V1L”

“YEAH, UH, WE’RE REALLY MORE CONCERNED WITH STRIKING POINTY THINGS INTO THEIR HEARTS THAN ANYTHING ELSE,” said Karkat. “MOTION IS OVERRULED FOR BEING LAME AND STUPID.”

“Karkat You Neednt Be So Harsh” said Kanaya. “I Am In Favor Of Adopting A So Called Team Name”

Karkat stared blankly at her. “ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS, KANAYA? FINE, SIDE WITH THE CRAZY DRAGON-EYED GIRL, SEE IF I CARE.”

“TH3Y 4R3 C4LL3D DR4GONYYYDS K4RK4T” said Terezi. “TH3R3 1S NOTH1NG STR4NG3 4BOUT MY 3Y3S”

Scratch coughed meaningfully. “I see nothing wrong with a name if you do intend to be a team. It can do nothing but reinforce your sense of unity. If you like, I’m sure our library has some excellent annals of bravery from which you could draw some inspiration…”

“NO N33D 1 H4V3 TH3 P3RF3CT 1D34 FOR 4 N4M3 4LR34DY” said Terezi, sticking her tongue out at Karkat as she finished speaking, who glowered at a random corner of the room in response.

“Indeed?”

“W3LL W3R3 GO1NG TO B3 K1CK1NG TH3 BUTTS OF THOS3 R41NBOW DR1NK3RS L1K3 1TS TH3 B3ST P4RTY 3V3R” said Terezi, “SO W3 C4N C4LL OURS3LV3S TH3 R41NBOW RUMPUS P4RTY”

Karkat made a series of loud retching sounds. “OKAY, I TAKE IT BACK, MOTION IS ACTUALLY OVERRULED FOR BEING LAME AND STUPID AND BORDERLINE FUCKING RETARDED! NO, WAIT, I THINK FULL ON RETARDED BEST DESCRIBES THAT ONE.”

Terezi was unfazed. “K4RKL3S YOU 4R3 TH3 L4M3 ON3 H3R3” she said, spinning in her chair to rest her legs on him, which he promptly resisted. “1T 1S TH3 P3RF3CT N4M3 4ND W3 W1LL K1CK SO M4NY RUMPUS3S TH4T TH3Y W1LL N33D TO 3R3CT 4 SP3C14L RUMPUS M3MOR14L JUST FOR US”

Scratch turned to Kanaya wearily. “Ms. Maryam, as the Slayer, I suspect you’re best positioned to resolve this. What is your opinion?”

Kanaya considered. It was an odd name, but if silly things like this could excite conflict among them, then any bit of added unity, as Scratch had suggested, could only help. Besides, she was still eager to prove herself a good friend to Terezi, and she knew Karkat was only ever offended maybe a tenth of the times he said he was, so it wouldn’t much matter if he lost this battle. “I Think Calling Ourselves The Rainbow Rumpus Party Sounds Quite Amusing” she said after a while, “Although I Do Agree With Karkat That It Will Probably Not Strike Much Fear Into Anyones Heart So We Will Have To Rely On Our Fighting Prowess For That One”

“NO NEED TO WORRY ABOUT THAT,” said Karkat, and she could tell he was already getting over it. “I AM GOING TO TAKE ONE LOOK AT THOSE DEADHEADS, FIND A PLACE ON THEM THAT THE SUN DOESN’T SHINE, AND DELIVER SOME SICKLE-SHAPED PAIN.” He paused to relish the image. “WAIT, DO THEY EVEN FEEL PAIN? HOW DOES THIS ALL WORK? LAST TIME I WAS PAYING MORE ATTENTION TO KILLING THAN TO METICULOUSLY OBSERVING HOW THEY FELT ABOUT IT.”

Kanaya thought back over her and Vriska’s past encounters. “They Really Dont Seem To Feel Any” she said after a moment, “They Will Die If You Get Them In The Right Place But Any Injuries Before That Are Treated As Quite Unremarkable I Suspect They Either Do Not Have The Proper Neural Receptors In Place Anymore Or Simply Ignore Them Altogether”

Scratch nodded. “Yes, it’s a side effect of how far divorced they are from being proper trolls. They want blood, and many of their mental faculties not useful for obtaining it are ignored or nonfunctional. If you ever encounter a Cullen, then they’ll probably feel and avoid pain, but hopefully any trolls with strong enough forces of will to resist the mindless bloodlust would not be attacking you in the first place. Of course, if a troll was already particularly violent before being turned, all bets are off.”

Kanaya shuddered at this particularly ominous description. “Could You Tell Me Or I Guess All Of Us Exactly What Happens If One Of Them Gets To You” she asked. “Like Ive Always Assumed Theyre Going To Stick Their Teeth In Someones Neck And Drink Their Blood But Is That Actually How It Works And How Does One Become A Rainbow Drinker Anyway”

“All good questions,” said Scratch, “which I apologize for having not addressed last time we met. The legends are basically right about rainbow drinkers, although they tend not to mention the fact that they glow, possibly because they’re mostly only seen in the sunlight and it’s much less noticeable then. So yes, they want blood, and they prefer to get it by biting necks, although they’ll settle for other parts of the body if they have to.

“As you’ve noticed, they don’t have any blood of their own, and in fact, that doesn’t seem to change if they do end up drinking someone else’s. The blood just… disappears, a few minutes after entering their systems, and nobody knows what happens to it, but the rainbow drinker gets invigorated just the same. Basically, it’s magic and nobody understands.

“The original rainbow drinkers, and apparently this latest batch, were created by Feferi Peixes herself. They can reproduce, however, by forcing one of their victims to drink some of their blood back from them. The victims then become rainbow drinkers pretty much instantaneously, as I understand it, and more or less keep their basic personalities but become as evil and bloodthirsty as the rest of them. Obviously, it’s doubly imperative to keep them from biting anyone, since the outcome is bad either way.

“In any case, I think a major concern of ours needs to be figuring out a way to stop the Sleeping Empress before she gets too powerful, lest she take over Alternia again or something like that. I’ve actually written to professor Ampora in hope of suggestions, since as I believe I mentioned, he is essentially the world’s expert in these matters, regardless of the personal reasons he may have had for studying them in the first place. With any luck, he’ll write back soon with some useful suggestions or at least books that we do not have here at Green Sun.”

“SO IF WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS FEFERI CHICK,” said Karkat, “WHAT ABOUT THOSE SEA TROLL THINGS YOU MENTIONED? ARE THEY GOING TO BE LOOKING TO PUNCTURE OUR SOFT LITTLE NECKS WITH THEIR GILLS OR SOMETHING?”

“The Glubbites,” said Scratch, “and… I don’t know. But yes, it’s certainly possible that either they will have discovered that the Sleeping Empress has returned or else she will have told them, and if one way or another they find out that the Slayer is here, then yes, we might have to worry about them too. They possess no special powers, though; they’re a lot like regular land trolls, only much stronger physically.”

“JUST MOR3 RUMPUS3S FOR US TO K1CK” said Terezi, who was clearly feeling very fond of her team name. “4LL R1GHT SO W3 F1GHT TH3 R41NBOW DR1NK3RS WH1L3 TH3YR3 G3TT1NG SM4RT3R W4TCH OUT FOR SUP3R STRONG OC34N TROLLS HOP3 TH4T F3F3R1 DO3SNT G3T 4LL M4G1C4L OR T4K3 OV3R TH3 WORLD 4ND W3 H4V3 4 BL4ST 1N TH3 M34NT1M3” She paused for breath. “4NYTH1NG 3LS3”

Kanaya blushed slightly. “Umm Yes Actually I Should Take This Moment To Present To You All The Fourth Member Of Our Rainbow Rumpus Party” She clapped her hands together twice as the pre-arranged signal. “May I Introduce Vriska”

Terezi jumped to her feet as Vriska walked confidently into the room with her gray jacket trailing merrily behind her. “SCOURG3 S1ST3R WH4T 1N TH3 WORLD 4R3 YOU DO1NG H3R3” she asked, hugging Vriska tightly, and Kanaya frowned for a moment, for there was something about that term `scourge sister’ she felt she ought to remember. Whatever it was, though, was proving surprisingly elusive, so she shrugged and focused on the events unfolding around her.

"Hey, Ter8zi!!!!!!!!" said Vriska, hugging back. "I see you've already met my new m8sprit!"

“M4T3SPR1T” Terezi turned to Kanaya with wonder in her eyes. “K4N4Y4 M4RY4M CONGR4TUL4T1ONS YOU 4R3 TH3 B3ST S3CR3T K33P3R 1 H4V3 3V3R S33N 4ND 1 HOP3 1 N3V3R H4V3 TO PROS3CUT3 YOU FOR 4NYTH1NG”

Kanaya laughed softly. “I Will Try Never To Put You In That Predicament And Thank You For Your Congratulations Be They For My Skills In Secrecy Or My New Relationship”

“OKAY, DOES SOMEBODY WANT TO FILL IN US GUYS WHO DON’T KNOW EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING ALREADY? WHO IS THIS GIRL, AND KANAYA, WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN GETTING UP TO WHILE I WAS OFFLINE?”

Kanaya began to explain, but Vriska, always full of energy, got there first. "Oh, you must 8e Karkat! I can see why Terezi thinks you're cute, though you're not really my type. 8ut anyhow, it's not complic8d at all:::: Kan8ya saved me from some rain8ow drinkers one day and was all fast and deadly and 8lase and stuff, and we fell in love and have 8een 8attling evil together! And I guess now you two will 8e joining us and it'll all 8e super gr8!"

Karkat, who had shot Terezi an odd look when Vriska mentioned her description of him, stared blankly. “NO, THIS IS NOT ALL SUPER GREAT. I’M NOT ABOUT TO TRUST ANY OLD RANDOM TROLL OFF THE STREETS WHEN WE’LL BE OUT THERE FIGHTING FOR OUR GODDAMN LIVES. GREAT, SO YOU MET KANAYA ONE DAY. WHOOP DE FUCKING DOO, SO DID I!”

"Yeah," said Vriska, "and here you are fighting with her too! So what's the pro8lem, huh?"

“Karkat Please” said Kanaya, who had not expected quite this level of resistance so soon and with so little provocation. “Vriska Serket Is My Matesprit Now And She Is Quite Trustworthy We Have Been Slaying Together For Several Days Now”

“WAIT, HOLD ON, SERKET?” Karkat frowned. “TEREZI, ISN’T THAT THAT GIRL YOU HANG OUT WITH, THE ONE WHO KEEPS ON KILLING PEOPLE?”

“DUH WHY DO YOU TH1NK 1 JUST C4LL3D H3R MY SCOURG3 S1ST3R” said Terezi scornfully. “HON3STLY K4RKL3S YOU 4R3 SO SLOW ON TH3 UPT4K3 SOM3T1M3S TH3R3 1S NOTH1NG WRONG W1TH VR1SK4 1 C4N 4SSUR3 YOU”

"Yeah!!!!!!!!” said Vriska. “And even 8etter, I don't need to keep killing people anymore, 8ecause now there are rain8ow drinkers running around and I can feed th8m t8 my lusus instead! It's awesome!"

“ALL RIGHT, GREAT, EVERYONE’S CRAZY TODAY,” said Karkat, and turned to Scratch. “LOOK, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS? KANAYA SAID YOU THINK WE NEED TO KEEP THIS QUIET SO THAT BENT DOESN’T FREAK OUT AND CALL THE ARMY AND GET TURNED INTO A FUCKING BARRACKS, BUT APPARENTLY NOW SHE’S FOUND A MATESPRIT SO EVERYTHING’S COOL.”

Scratch took several seconds to reply, during which time he did not actually seem to be looking at Vriska, though it was always hard to tell with his featureless head. “Both Kanaya and Terezi seem to think that this young lady can be trusted,” he said, “and they know her far better than we do, so I see no reason to object.”

“FLIPPING FINE,” said Karkat, face a picture of rage. “I SEE HOW THIS MEETING IS GOING. ALL THE GIRLS AGREE ON EVERYTHING AND I JUST SIT ON THE SIDELINES MAKING LITTLE PAPER AIRCRAFT AND LOOKING LIKE A FOOL, NEVER MIND THAT I’M IN STRATEGY AND LEADERSHIP AND MAYBE PEOPLE SHOULD LISTEN TO ME EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.”

“1M 1N TH4T CL4SS TOO K4RKL3S”

“YEAH, AND WHAT DO YOU DO IN IT BESIDES TRY TO LICK ME WHILE SNOWMAN ISN’T WATCHING? OKAY, FORGET IT, I’M GOING TO GO SULK OR SOMETHING, AND I’LL SEE YOU ALL FOR SLAYING IN THE MORNING, OKAY? WHERE ARE WE ALL MEETING UP, ANYWAY?”

“Well Vriska And I Have Been Meeting At The Dark Carnival A Little After Sunrise” began Kanaya before she was cut off.

“PERFECT. GREAT. FANTASTIC. FUCK YOU ALL UNTIL THEN,” concluded Karkat, and stalked out the door. There was an audible pause after he left.

“Well, I think that about wraps things up for now,” said Scratch. “Ms. Serket, I was wondering if I might have a word with you in private, to fill you in on some of the things the others already know and learn a little more about you. Kanaya, Terezi, I suppose you may go.”

Vriska agreed after a moment, and exchanged brief kisses with Kanaya before sitting down in Karkat’s vacated chair as the other two left the room. “1 GU3SS TH4T L34V3S JUST US TH3N” said Terezi, seemingly unperturbed by Karkat’s latest run of outrage.

“Yes I Suppose It Does” said Kanaya, and then rushed forward to put her plan into motion. “Terezi Would You Care To Go Shopping With Me”

 

The Bent Shopping Supercolony was situated in the far southeast corner of the city, near several graveyards, and Kanaya passed it frequently on her way to or from Green Sun High and was thus well familiar with its location. Neither of the girls had ever been to it personally, but Kanaya had read plenty of endearing young-imago novels in which the main characters spent good amounts of time at shopping supercolonies hanging out, flirting, and killing time-crossed cavalreapers. As she understood it, the institution of supercolonies had arisen more or less by imperial fiat, when constant dueling among the owners of neighboring storefronts in one of Alternia’s largest cities had inspired a squad of archeradicators to descend from the Starfleet, round up the instigators, and make an example of them. Since then, store owners in cities across the planet had made efforts to bond together lest they too mistakenly incur the wrath of the world leaders in space above them, and so from series of independent stores, more complicated sorts of artificial organisms had gradually arisen. To be sure, owners or employees of competing stores within a single shopping supercolony, such as Alternian Apparel and Maroon-Blooded Topic, would still sometimes develop grudges and hunt one another down in private or in each other’s establishments, but that was only a natural function of troll capitalism and the shopping experience was on a whole much safer for customers than it had been before the supercolony days.

In Bent’s case, the shopping supercolony was three stories tall, with the same haphazard, angled outsides of most troll architecture and a complete lack of windows, so as to appeal to any customer anywhere in the massive building at any time of day. There were no maps of the building, for any attempt by the owner of one store to make it easier for customers to find them would only be sabotaged by the owners of others, and since the supercolonies had no overarching government, no neutral maps had been devised. Instead, customers were left to wander among the six-hundred and twelve different establishments – of vastly varying sizes – on their own, with nothing to guide them but hope or a friend who was more familiar with the locale. Fortunately, both girls were feeling fairly optimistic, although Kanaya did notice her relative lack of sleep from the past week catching up to her as she stood at an entrance to the cacophony of vendors advertising their wares as loudly as possible.

“H3R3S MY 1D34” said Terezi, shouting slightly to be heard. “W3 GO F1ND 4 PL4C3 W1TH COTTON C4NDY 4ND BY TH3 T1M3 W3V3 DON3 TH4T W3LL H4V3 S33N PL3NTY OF PL4C3S FOR YOU TO UPGR4D3 YOUR W4RDROB3 OR WH4T3V3R”

“That Sounds Good” replied Kanaya. “Ur I Hope That Does Not Mean You Find The Idea Of Clothes Shopping Disagreeable Because I Would Hate To Be Boring You”

“NO 1TS F1N3” said Terezi. “1 4M 4 S1MPL3 G1RL BUT 1 3NJOY ST1MUL4T1ON OF 4LL TH3 S3NS3S NOT JUST S1GHT 4ND CLOTH3S 4R3 MOSTLY FOR YOUR 3Y3S” She chuckled. “B3S1D3S 1 3ND UP SP3ND1NG MOST OF MY MON3Y ON N3W SC4L3M4T3S SO 1 DONT H4V3 TH3 B1GG3ST BUDG3T FOR OUTF1TS”

Kanaya jumped as a nearby fountain burst into life and sprayed dark water in all directions. She could just make out a number of troll caegars submerged in the fountain’s pool where lovesick young trolls had tossed them in. Traditionally a caegar thrown into a fountain was supposed to indicate how your relationship with your crush would go, with the heads side face-up indicating a concupiscent romance and the tails side a conciliatory one. Some trolls sought to trick their supposed destinies by purchasing double-headed or double-tailed caegars in the subterranean bazaars, but somehow this never ended up working out to their advantage because troll romance was just that weird. Of course, it was also possible that the whole thing was just meaningless superstition, but Kanaya was still feeling hyper-attuned to the matters of fate and destiny and was glad she did not have any of the archaic currency to tempt herself with. “Im Not Actually Sure I Know What A Scalemate Is” she said instead.

“TH3YR3 MY DR4GON PLUSH3S” said Terezi. “1 GO THROUGH 4 LOT OF TH3M B3C4US3 TH3Y K33P ON TURN1NG OUT TO B3 3V1L TR41TORS 4ND SO 1 H4V3 TO H4NG TH3M FROM MY TR33”

Kanaya wasn’t at all sure that that sentence made sense. “Your Plushes Are Evil Traitors”

Terezi nodded vigorously and rubbed her hands together in delight. “Y3S 1 PR4CT1C3 L3G1SL4C3R4T1ON ON TH3M 4ND FORTUN4T3LY FOR M3 M4NY OF TH3M 4R3 CR1M1N4L M4ST3RM1NDS 4ND D3S3RV3 TO B3 PUT TO TH3 D34TH 1MM3D14T3LY” She grinned, showing what must have been all of her teeth. “4LW4YS R3M3MB3R K4N4Y4 3V3N YOUR MOST TRUST3D COMP4N1ONS C4N TURN OUT TO B3 M4N1PUL4T1V3 TR41TORS SOM3T1M3S”

Perhaps this was what Karkat had meant when he had described Terezi as “batshit insane” before they had really started talking to each other. “I Guess You Like Dragons A Lot Even If Sometimes They Can Be Evil Traitors”

Terezi murmured distractedly in assent, her attention caught by a merchant advertising rare fiduspawn sets. “1 W4NT TO B3 R34DY FOR WH3N MY LUSUS H4TCH3S YOU KNOW”

“Hatches” Kanaya paused, recognizing that her imperfect grasp of intonation did not always lead to single words being properly interpreted as questions, although when she thought about it, Terezi’s was also pretty irregular. “Karkat Did Mention That You Had Never Met Your Lusus But I Suppose I Never Thought To Ask About That Once We Had Established An Actual Acquaintance”

“1TS NOT L1K3 TH3R3S MUCH TO T3LL SH3S JUST 4 DR4GON 1N 4 B1G 3GG 4ND SH3 T4LKS 1N MY H34D WH1L3 1M 4SL33P” Before Kanaya could react to how matter-of-factly Terezi had put this, the other girl had turned from the storefronts and was fixing her big yellow eyes on Kanaya instead. “BUT COM3 ON K4N4YUM 1F TH1S 3NT1R3 SHOPP1NG TR1P 1S 4N 3XCUS3 TO 4SK M3 FOR MY B1OGR4PHY TH3N HON3STLY 1M GO1NG TO B3 PR3TTY BOR3D”

“Oh No I Apologize If I Was Pressing You For Too Many Details” said Kanaya, looking sorrowfully at her feet. “What Would You Rather Talk About”

“HMMM P3RH4PS YOU COULD T3LL M3 MOR3 4BOUT YOU 4ND VR1SK4” said Terezi. “SH3 TOLD US 4 B1T OF 1T JUST NOW BUT 1F 1 KNOW MY S1ST3R TH3N TH3R3S 4 LOT SH3S NOT S4Y1NG”

In retrospect, Kanaya supposed she had walked right into that one, but postponed answering by feigning great interest in the role-playing supply store Games For Girls. “Well Shes Very Pretty And Intelligent And Pitiable” she began. “Apparently She Had Been Watching Me Even Before Professor Amporas Disclaimer Led Me To Summon The Sleeping Empress And When She Discovered That I Was The Slayer That Only Made Me All The More Attractive”

Terezi grinned appreciatively. “4ND HOW DO3S SH3 T4ST3”

“Ur If I Understand Your Question Adequately Then She Is A Very Proficient Kisser To The Point That I Occasionally Hope That I Am Myself Good Enough To Satisfy Her In That Regard”

“W4NT M3 TO T3LL YOU WH4T 1 TH1NK”

“I Beg Your Pardon”

“L3T M3 K1SS YOU 4ND 1LL T3LL YOU HOW W3LL YOU DO OK4Y”

Kanaya stumbled in surprise. “Terezi While I Mean This As No Slight To You Or Your Own Appearance I Do Not Think I Am Quite That Sort Of Girl Though I Much Appreciate The Kindness Of The Offer”

“1F YOUR3 TH4T CONF1D3NT TH3N 1M SUR3 SH3 L1K3S 1T F1N3” said Terezi, clapping Kanaya roughly on the back, and then muttered more softly “NOBODY 3V3R W4NTS TO K1SS M3” Kanaya was spared immediately having to think of what to say to this by the discovery of a shop selling cotton candy, and they went inside and waited in line to pay their beetles.

Troll cotton candy, despite its apparent low price and wide distribution, was a relatively recently imported delicacy on Alternia. It was natively from the planet Cott – the “c” was really a voiced velar fricative, but even trolls appreciated a bit of alliteration – and made from the processed and sweetened bones of native Cottons who had fallen behind in their work at the planet-wide mines set up by the troll dubconquistadors. Alternia was far enough away from Cott, however, that genuine cotton candy was expensive and limited only to the fancier Cotton restaurants, alongside their famous gin. This had not however stopped inventive troll merchants from making their own artificial cotton candy, in various bright and alluring colors, which could be then sold at vastly reduced prices of no more than one or two lower-denomination beetles. Terezi kept her beetles in a small brown pouch strapped at her side, while Kanaya stuck with a sterilized wallet in her back pocket.

Nearby in an open court area of the supercolony were several benches around a miniature park, and the two trolls headed to the nearest bench to enjoy their blue and scarlet cotton candies. Several small birds and mammals roamed the park area, fitted with control collars to ensure that they did not enter into the rest of the supercolony and disrupt the flow of commerce, and Kanaya smiled at the pleasant birdsong. It was like her hive, although it was lit only artificially and the trees were obviously very carefully pruned to present a constructed sort of beauty. Now that she thought about it, Kanaya supposed that doing some topiary work on the surroundings of her own hive might well be a pleasant diversion, besides allowing her some additional practice with her chainsaw.

“So Ur” she said at last, rebroaching the subject of cautiously, “How Are Things Between You And Karkat”

“1 4M NOT 3V3N SUR3 TH3R3 4R3 TH1NGS B3TW33N US TO B3 ON3 W4Y OR 4NOTH3R” said Terezi, and paused to take another long, indulgent lick of her candy. “SOM3T1M3S 1 TH1NK H3 L1K3S M3 BUT H3 1S 4 B1T OF 4 FR41DY K4T 4ND SO OTH3R T1M3S 1 WORRY 1 4M JUST RUSH1NG H1M 1NTO TH1NGS”

“So You Do Like Him Then”

“Y34H 1 GU3SS” Terezi frowned, a rare occurrence. “4ND 1V3 T4LK3D H1M 1NTO DO1NG 4LL SORTS OF CR4ZY TH1NGS W1TH M3 TH1S P4ST W33K BUT H3 N3V3R T4LKS 4BOUT H1S F33L1NGS 4ND 1 DONT W4NT TO B3 TOO FORW4RD”

There was a sudden rustling sound in the miniature park behind them, and a new voice, excited but just a little too sweet, interrupted the conversation: “did somebody say something about f33lings?!”

They turned around. A troll girl, with horns little larger than Karkat’s stubs, was kneeling at the edge of the park with her hands up on the back of their bench. She wore an open green jacket, not unlike Vriska’s gray one, furry blue shoes, and an enormous blue hat of the same material. Two white eyes were sewn onto the front of the hat and stared unblinkingly at Kanaya as she took in the newcomer. A flicker of motion revealed that the girl had a blue tail as well, apparently strapped to the back of her gray pants but with a seeming life of its own.

“1T S33MS 4N 1NT3RLOP3R H4S 3NT3R3D TH3 COURTROOM” said Terezi. “1D3NT1FY YOURS3LF MS C4T-H34D”

The girl giggled. “the interlopurr introduces furself as nepeta and hopes she is not interrupting anything!”

“Well Actually” began Kanaya, but Terezi seemed to have caught on. “TH3 4LM1GHTY L3G1SL4C3R4TOR R3DGL4R3 D3M4NDS TO KNOW TH3 BUS1N3SS OF TH1S N3P3T4 STR4NG3R”

“the nepeta stranger was going fur a hunt with her bestest kitty friend but overpurrd some trolls having an emotional conversation, which she is always very excited about!”

“You Were Going For A Hunt In A Supercolony” asked Kanaya.

“yep! pounce de leon and i go on many adventures fur and wide, but we just got hungry so we were looking fur some fresh purrey!”

There was another rustling sound, and a small, elegant, white cat-lusus emerged from the bushes with one of the park’s birds in one of its two mouths. Nepeta cooed with delight and scampered over to it. As the two girls on the bench watched, several sharp claws emerged from Nepeta’s hands – no, she was wearing gray gloves, Kanaya realized after a moment – which she used to sever the inhibiting collar from around the bird’s neck. The lusus began chewing merrily and Nepeta returned to the conversation.

“anyhow, are you having some sort of purrblem with f33lings? i can help! i mean, the interlopurr says that she can help. helpfully!”

Terezi harrumphed. “R3DGL4R3 1NQU1R3S DUB1OUSLY WH3TH3R TH1S UNK3MPT HUNTR3SS 1S SOM3 M4NN3R OF 3XP3RT ON TH3 4FF41RS OF ROM4NC3”

“yessss! the feliney huntress has watched dozens of meowvies on that very subject.”

Terezi turned back to Kanaya. “W3LL M4D3MO1S3LL3 M4RY4M 1T 4PP34RS 4N 4DV3NTUR3R H4S T4K3N T1M3 OFF FROM H3R 3NDL3SS HUNT1NG TO H3LP M3 W1TH MY PROBL3MS 4ND 1N TH3 N4M3 OF TH3 COMM1TM3NT TO OP3NN3SS TH4T 1 3XPR3SS3D Y3ST3RD4Y 1 SUPPOS3 W3 MUST COMPLY”

Kanaya nodded gravely. “My Good Ms Pyrope With That As Our Premise I Do Indeed Believe We Have No Other Course Of Action” She addressed Nepeta. “What Does This Most Skilled Huntress Care To Know”

Nepeta’s face scrunched up in a delighted grin. “furst off, she n33ds to know what pawdrant we are talking about here! and maybe also the name of the troll who is confusing the legisthingy.”

“TH3 V1LL41NS N4M3 1S K4RK4T 4NSW3RS R3DGL4R3 TH3 GR34T 4ND 1MP3CC4BL3 L3G1STH1NGY 4ND 1F SH3 R34LLY H4D TO 4SS1GN TH3 SO-C4LL3D PROBL3M 4 QU4DR4NT 1T WOULD PROB4BLY B3 FLUSH3D SH3 GU3SS3S”

“karkat!” repeated Nepeta happily, “that is pawsibly the best name the huntress has ever heard said.”

“What Do You Think Of Him Exactly” asked Kanaya.

“noooooo you have to ask that question in character!” said Nepeta, and then faltered at her own mistake. “i mean, the huntress says that you have to ask that question in character, and, um, kneads her claws a little in disdain.”

“YOU MUST UND3RST4ND K4N4Y4 TH4T W3 4R3 NO LONG3R S1TT1NG 1N 4 B3NCH 1N 4 SUP3RCOLONY” said Terezi, leaning in very conspiratorially. “1 4M TH3 PROS3CUT1NG 4TTORN3Y 1N TH3 C4S3 OF HOW MUCH K4RK4T V4NT4S 1S 4 J3RKF4C3 V3RSUS 4 N1C3 J3WG1SH G1RLS TRU3 F33L1NGS 4ND OUR N3W FR13ND H3R3 1S TH3 COUNS3LOR R31GN1NG OV3R TH3 C4S3 SO YOU MUST 4D4PT 4ND 3VOLV3 4CCORD1NGLY”

“i am?? err, yes, she means of course she is! but she would purrfur it if the pawsecution refurred to her as the ‘pouncelor’ instead.”

“R3DGL4R3 TH3 N3OPHYT3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR DULY 4POLOG1Z3S FOR H3R M1ST4K3 4ND OF COURS3 M34NT TO S4Y POUNC3LOR”

Kanaya had not known Terezi was Jewgish, but she supposed there would be other times to consider that revelation. Gamely, she jumped in the deep end, trying to emulate the writing of her favorite redromantic authors. “Ur In That Case Then Karkats Character Witness The Glamorous And Resplendent Champion Parthena Apologizes Demurely For Having Misspoken Earlier As Her Hair Billows Sadly In The Cool Breeze Of The Loveless Dark Season”

Nepeta squealed with excitement and ran around to the front of the bench, staring upward at Kanaya and Terezi with her big yellow eyes. “the est33med pouncelor opens the courtroom fur the opening statements of why the karkitty is a jerkface!”

“N3OPHYT3 R3DGL4R3 3XPL41NS TH4T MR V4NT4S 1S TH3 MOST S3CR3T1V3 GUY SH3 H4S 3V3R M3T 4ND S33MS 4LMOST TO 3XP3CT H3R TO M4K3 TH3 F1RST MOV3 WH1CH 1S H4RDLY SOM3TH1NG 4NY POL1T3 G1RL L1K3 H3RS3LF OUGHT TO DO”

“Champion Parthena Is Passively Horrified At This Cruel Defamation Of Her Moirail And Weeps Softly In Her Box Wondering Distraughtly How Things Could Ever Have Come To This”

“meowrail?! the pouncelor is intrigued by this new infurmation and wonders if karkat has ever said anything to the character witness about his f33lings for the pawsecution?”

“The Two Of Them Have But Rarely Had Their Life Trails Intersect This Past Week But She Does Hold Onto A Serendipitously Faint Recollection Of Him Describing The Prosecution As Batshit Insane”

“TH3 PROS3CUT1ON C4N WORK W1TH B4TSH1T BUT 1S R34LLY MOR3 1NT3R3ST3D 1N FORLORN GL4NC3S 1NTO TH3 D1ST4NC3 WH3N SH3 1S NOT 4ROUND”

“The Prosecution Will Regrettably Have To Be Satisfied Without Any Such Memories As Her Lips Meet In A Demure Pout And Her Eyes Glimmer Glowingly In The Twilight Like Those Of A Dragon Wounded Before Its Prime” Kanaya internally applauded herself for managing to work in Terezi’s appreciation of dragons. She was getting quite good at this.

“purrhaps the witness could describe the furmation of their meowrallegiance, so that the est33med pouncelor can know how the accused typically shows his f33lings?”

Kanaya thought back across the perigees. “The Beautiful And Misunderstood Witness Begins Her Narration By Stating That Said Formation Took Place In The Daylight Hours Of Last Sweeps Twelfth Perigees Eve When The Aforementioned Karkat Was Experiencing Difficulties Inducing In Himself A Fully Torpidic Slumber

“He Was In A State Of Prolonged Agitation And Emotional Vulnerability Because His Lusus Rohino Had Been Absent From His Hive For Some Day Cycles And Was Showing No Sign Of Returning

“Karkat I Must Admit To You Suffers From Certain Trust Issues And Had Begun To Speculate That Rohino Had Abandoned Him For Reasons Of His Own Inadequacies

“I Was Curled Up Outside Against My Lusus Reading To Her Stories Of The Misadventures Of A Plucky Sixth Sweep Shadow Dropper And Chanced To Activate My Lunchtop In Order To Look Up A Particularly Circumlocuitous Phrasing When I Noticed My Friend Karkat Was Attempting To Contact Me Through The Beta Version Of Trollian That Had Been Released At The Time

“I Excused Myself To My Lusus In Order To Investigate The Root Of Karkat’s Distress And Found Myself Spending The Next Several Hours Talking To Him As He Alternatively Raged At His Lusus And Despaired Of Its Ever Returning All The Time Worrying About How Much Of A Bother He Was Undoubtedly Being To Me On Such A Festive Holiday Celebration

“Eventually As The Sun Set Over His Hive His Lusus Returned Triumphantly Bearing Easily The Largest Behemoth Leaving That Karkat Described Himself As Having Yet Seen And He Thanked Me As Best As He Knows How For Helping Him Through The Sleepless Daylight

“Ultimately It Was I Who Proposed The Moirallegiance Presently Under Discussion By Way Of An Affectionate Icon Typed Near What I Had Anticipated Would Be The End Of Our Conversation But He Immediately Resumed Speaking With Me After I Had Typed It To Reciprocate The Sentiment And Further Express His Feelings On The Subject

“It Turned Out That He Had In Fact Entertained Hopes That We Might Mean That To One Another But Had Been Unwilling To Broach The Topic Himself Lest I Fail To Share His Feelings And Wish To Break Off Our Acquaintance For Reasons Of My Hypothetical Discomfort

“I Think What You Must Ultimately Understand With Karkat Is That He Is Very Tender On The Inside But Also Deathly Afraid Of Risk And So Is Unlikely To Make Any Sort Of Suggestion That Might Lead To A Sense Of Awkwardness In One Of His Relationships

“But The Fact That He Was Willing To Cast Off Our Moirallegiance When He Perceived Me As Having Slighted You Terezi Is The Greatest Testament To The Depth Of Affection He Feels Towards You Although As To Whether That Affection Is Of A Flushed Nature I Cannot Say For Certain And Can Only Ask That You Investigate On Your Own And Perhaps Not Call Him A Jerkface With Quite Such Frequency”


	6. Happy Cat Song part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huzzah! Episode 5 "Happy Cat Song" is nearly half of everything that's been written at this point; the chapters keep on getting longer, which is a disturbing trend since we're still only about halfway through the whole story. I realize it's been three months since I last updated, but I was a little busy graduating from college. That's all out of the way now, though! Enjoy!

The conversation continued for some minutes after that, but Kanaya felt that nothing more of any great importance was said. Nepeta vacillated happily between either advising that Terezi confront Karkat directly over the issue in a very romantic setting or else suggesting that she let her affections rest silently until Karkat realized of his own accord that they were simply fated to be together. Kanaya continued to advocate a calm, honest conversation between the two of them, perhaps on one of the mad adventures that Terezi seemed to have been dragging him on or perhaps in a more down-to-alternia setting, and Terezi seemed more interested in complaining about Karkat’s deficiencies and enjoying the roleplaying than actually settling on a course of action, although she did take interest in anything Kanaya had to say about Karkat’s character. In the end, Nepeta and her lusus Pounce de Leon set off in search of larger prey – she revealed very somberly at one point that they were in the supercolony because there were so very many fountains there and she had hoped one of them might be the legendary “fountain of cute” – and the other two girls resumed their shopping trip.

After perusing a number of stores, Kanaya emerged from the supercolony with a slightly lesser number of dresses, including a black-and-green striped affair with a long purple sash tied around the midriff area, which she hoped Vriska might particularly enjoy. She also picked up some sewing supplies on the grounds that she might as well have some creative pursuits if she was going to spend her daylight hours killing the undead, and sewing struck her as possibly being a calmer, more logical version of alchemy. She had been much intrigued by a Wardrobifier, which promised to cut out all the busywork of buying individual outfits by being able to create and change them at a moment’s notice, but it was considerably outside her price range.

Terezi, despite resisting the stereotype that all Jewgish trolls were secretly rich, was eventually persuaded to buy something so that Kanaya did not feel like she was getting nothing out of the trip, and at length purchased a drawing tablet which she used to make humorous sketches of Karkat when Kanaya was pretending not to look. The tablet had scales running up both sides, serving as ever-so-slightly dangerous handles, which only endeared it to the dragonyy’yd-loving troll all the more. Sunrise was still several hours off, so the two girls went off to their respective hives in order to get a little rest before the daylight patrol, and in Terezi’s case, to find a means of shielding herself from the sunlight.

When Kanaya reached her hive, new acquisitions safely captchalogued away, she was surprised to find Richard Scratch sitting outside of it in deep conversation with her lusus Ardra. With all that had been happening, she had almost forgotten Scratch’s pledge to explain her new duties as Slayer personally, but Ardra seemed not in the least concerned, her body in fact vibrating with mirth in response to some witticism or other Scratch offered as Kanaya approached them.

“Oh! Kanaya,” said Scratch on noticing her. He doffed his hat slightly. “Welcome back. We’re, ah, not quite done here, and I’m sure you need your rest.”

Kanaya felt puzzled. “Do Neither Of You Need To Interrogate Me About Anything Then”

“No, no, it’s probably better if your lusus discusses things with you on her own after I’m gone,” said Scratch, and from beside him Ardra indicated her assent. Kanaya still wasn’t sure about this arrangement, but the proximity of her respiteblock was making her feel very tired, and an excuse to get out of another round of explaining everything was welcome enough for the time being. She rubbed Ardra affectionately in passing and retreated gratefully to the comfort of her recuperacoon.

When she left again for Bent a little while past sunrise, Scratch and Ardra were still talking, and she snuck out the back entrance in case they had changed their minds about having questions for her, since that would only delay her rendezvous with the rest of the… Rainbow Rumpus Party. Oh dear, that name sounded all the sillier after sleeping on it. Names aside, however, they were her close friends, or rather one friend and two lovers of various persuasions, and they had all agreed or rather insisted on standing by her in her unexpected destiny. A mere pupation into her time at Green Sun High, she had had such social success that there were three dear trolls awaiting her, Kanaya Maryam, six solar sweeps of age, Slayer, and clad in a bright green dress with a pink sash and yellow flowers along the hem line. She was aware that the outfit would not be nearly so practical for combat as pants and a signshirt, but this was to be their first patrol as a team, and she had wanted to dress up a little for the occasion. And Vriska, but mostly the occasion.

Of course, nothing was ever that simple, and when she reached the Dark Carnival, where her companions were already assembled, she discovered that Karkat’s bad mood from Scratch’s office had by no means receded. His outfit was probably not helping in the least, since his efforts to avoid direct sunlight had evidently culminated in an overlarge sweater, not-quite-matching mittens, and a cap with a long brim proudly bearing the words “Lil’ Crabby.” Karkat had on various occasions mentioned Rohino’s fondness of knitting, as well as how much that his fondness exceeded his actual skill, and Kanaya suspected that she was witnessing some of the results of that hobby now. She was less sure of the origins of the cap, but it was certainly one that Karkat had never worn to school. She stifled a smile even as he began to rant at her.

“WOULD IT BE SO MUCH TO ASK THAT YOU BE ON TIME TO ONE THING IN YOUR FUCKING LIFE? I’VE BEEN SITTING HERE UP TO MY ASS IN BOREDOM, STARING AT THE CLOCK WHILE THESE TWO LUNATICS GET OFF ON GUESSING HOW DAMN MUCH VIOLENCE WE’LL GET TO INFLICT. TICK TOCK, BREAK HEADS, THAT’S MY MORNING RIGHT THERE. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU EVEN WEARING, ANYWAY? DID YOU FORGET WE’RE PATROLLING OR DID YOU JUST GET EXCITED FOR PROM A FEW PUPATIONS TOO SOON?”

“K4RK4T YOU 4R3 PR3D1CT4BLY BOTH3RSOM3!” said Terezi, rapping him almost gently on the head with one canechuck. She was wearing a full-body suit of red and teal with her sign in large about the midriff area, and big red pointy sunglasses to protect her eyes. “P4Y H1M NO M1ND K4N4Y4 SOM3 BOYS JUST C4NT S33 TH3 D3L1C1OUS 1N FRONT OF TH3M NO M4TT3R WH4T YOU DO”

“Hello To You Both Too” said Kanaya, seizing a chance to get a word in the conversation. “I Do Apologize For My Slight Lateness Although I Notice That Vriska Is Not Here At The Moment Either”

“H3R L4NDLORD TH3 M4K4R4 GUY W4NT3D TO KNOW WH4T W3 W3R3 UP TO 1 TH1NK SO SH3 H4D TO GO T4LK W1TH H1M 1NS1D3” supplied Terezi. “HON3STLY SOM3ON3 N33DS TO LOOK 1NTO TH4T GUY 4LL GR1NS ON3 MOM3NT TH3N D34TH 4ND 4BSTR4CT 4RT TH3 N3XT”

“She Did Offhandedly Summarize Him As A Creep Yes” said Kanaya. “Karkat Perhaps We Could Talk About Our Altercation Earlier”

“YES, HUZZAH, LET’S COMBINE SLAYING WITH OUR PERSONAL LIVES AND HAVE A LITTLE CHAT ABOUT FEELINGS ATOP A PILE OF RAINBOW DRINKERS, WHY THE HELL NOT. FUCK THE FUCKITY FUCK OFF, KANAYA, YOU WOULDN’T GET IT IF I TOLD YOU WHAT’S UP ANYWAY.”

Kanaya was about to respond that this seemed very unfair when she was distracted by Vriska’s arrival from the Carnival’s front door. Her matesprit was wearing white and blue pants and shirt beneath a long, black, hooded cloak, which seemed to conceal her form beneath it entirely besides absorbing all the light from the sun’s rays. It was tied around her neck with a white brooch modeled after her sign, and she held a long blue rapier carelessly in her right hand. Kanaya spent a moment too long taking in the ensemble, but noticed with not a little pleasure that Vriska too was looking her up and down, a gleam of appreciation in her stunning smile.

“You like?” asked Vriska.

“I Do” said Kanaya. “I Am Not Sure I Have Ever Seen A Cloak Quite So Black Before”

“Yeah, that's the 8est part!!!!!!!!” said Vriska, posing proudly. “Your mentor Scratch guy gave it to me! I mentioned how using the Fluorite Octet for sun8lock made it harder to use it for weapons, soooooooo he gave me this thing. Called it a ‘Cloak of Void’ or something, and yeah, it 8locks light like no8ody's 8usiness!”

At this point, Karkat harrumphed rather pointedly, and after a little bickering, the four trolls set off towards the nearest graveyard. Kanaya walked between her matesprit and her moirail, and Terezi strode along next to Vriska, on the opposite side of the group from Karkat, but Kanaya was sure she saw them glancing at one another from time to time when the other wasn’t looking. She hoped that Terezi had gotten something useful out of their talk with the Nepeta girl, inconsistent though the advice itself had been. Perhaps Karkat would be more open to talking once they had finished their patrol.

First, though, said patrol would have to be done. The first several graveyards they visited were completely deserted, and Karkat began to get rather pointedly bored as the sun made its steady way across the sky, but in the sixth they found a staircase leading down into the ground, lit from below, in front of a large tombstone that seemed to have pointy stone ears sprouting from its sides. A mound of dirt nearby indicated that the passage had been recently dug up. Kanaya approached the stairs cautiously but could see no signs of danger from the surface.

“SO, WHAT, IS THIS SOME ASSHOLE’S IDEA OF A PRIME SPOT FOR A HIVE? RIGHT SMACK IN THE MIDDLE OF A GRAVEYARD?” asked Karkat, coming over to stand beside her. He glanced at the tombstone and leant forward to read the inscription. “SOME GIRL NAMED MAYLIN HARLEY, SIGN LIKE A BLUE EPICYCLOID.”

“Pretty much,” said Vriska. “Some of us 8lue 8loods never quite lose the architectural leanings from when we were wrigglers, you know? Instead of w8ing around to 8e 8uried, they 8uild underground hives for their dead 8odies to rest in.” She followed Kanaya’s gaze down into the tomb. “Only it looks like soooooooome8ody's 8roken into this one!”

“We Should Assuredly Descend Into It And Investigate In That Case” said Kanaya, and briefly checked her captchalogue deck to make sure the lipstick was ready for use at a moment’s notice. “Of The Four Of Us I Am Probably Dressed The Most Inconspicuously And Shall Go First If There Are No Objections”

“Go ahead,” said Vriska. “We’ve got your 8ack; let’s desecr8 this hallowed tomb.”

Kanaya began to descend the subterranean staircase. Along the walls she could make out engraved images, depicting a series of bulbous creatures with tentacles eerily similar to those she had seen forcing their way into reality when she had summoned the Sleeping Empress. The expressions on the creatures were cheerful enough, but along the edges of the engraved sections of the wall was a disturbing darkness of some sort, as if the very stone of the walls had been in some way corrupted and could no longer be illuminated either by the flickering light from below or by the harsh sunlight from above. Instead of dwelling on the images, she concentrated on looking down and ahead, carefully taking step after step until she had reached the bottom of the stairway and could get a proper look at the death hive.

As far as she could tell, there was only the one chamber, a rectangular room whose main feature was a large white disk in the center of the floor, similar to a transportalizer in shape and markings yet bigger. Around the edges of the room were stacked small piles of dead lusi, their blood splashed onto the walls and pooling in colorful puddles in the cracks of the stone floor. The flickering light that Kanaya and her companions had seen from the graveyard was being emitted by the glowing skin of three rainbow drinkers, each wearing a hat in the same shape as the eared tombstone above and with bloodied knives hanging from their belts.

“…cannot simply go on slaughtering lusi like this with no idea what we are looking for” the tallest of the three was saying when Kanaya first began to make out their words. They spoke in hushed voices, but as far as she could tell, the speech of rainbow drinkers was no different from that of ordinary living trolls. “some lusi have more becquerels than others but we need a way to tell before we start attracting attention”

“We had a perfect specimen!” said the smallest of the three, an excitable one with horns shaped like bass clefs. “It was turned, and we !could! have used it, but !someone! let it get away!”

“it was stronger than it looked okay” said the tallest, glaring. “besides i didnt see you helping at all”

“Well, someone had to keep watch unless that huntress came back, ‽remember‽”

“Guys,” said the middle troll, whose horns were even smaller than Karkat’s. “Look.” He was pointing directly at Kanaya, and as the other two rainbow drinkers turned to see her, she equipped and transformed her lipstick in one fluid motion before charging towards them, the Rainbow Rumpus Party hurrying after her.

The chamber was a little cramped for seven battling trolls, and Kanaya found a good part of her attention had to be diverted to ensuring that her chainsaw went nowhere near any of her companions, as well as staying out of the way of Vriska’s rapier, Terezi’s canechucks, and Karkat’s sickles. The stubhorned rainbow drinker was the quickest to respond, and so Kanaya engaged him first, discovering to her dismay that the little knives hanging from their belts in fact telescoped outwards to become about as long as her chainsaw.

Fortunately the Sinister Stabmonger’s numerous lessons had included basic swordplay, and so Kanaya was able to respond in kind, using her chainsaw as a sort of broadsword. Her Slayer powers were working so well she felt as if she were almost autoparrying her opponent’s blows, and she began backing him into a corner of the room where he’d have less room to maneuver.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Terezi locked in combat with the smallest, excitable rainbow drinker. Her sunglasses were still on, presumably on account of their enemies’ brightly glowing skin, and she twirled one of her canechucks tauntingly while repeatedly lashing out with the other. The small rainbow drinker was defending himself with his own knife, but Kanaya noted that he did not look especially worried by Terezi’s attacks, and remembered again that her friends did not share her special powers. Vriska was also attacking the small rainbow drinker, but it looked to Kanaya as if she was more concerned with showing off and enjoying her new cloak than actually doing the best she could in battle.

“VR1SK4 STOP SHOWBO4T1NG 4ND H3LP OUT K4RKL3S” said Terezi, who had evidently gotten the same impression. “H3S GOT TH3 L34ST COMB4T 3XP3R13NC3 OF 4NY OF US”

Kanaya risked a look and gulped in agreement. Her moirail’s ridiculous attire was in no way helping him, and the largest rainbow drinker seemed largely unconcerned with Karkat’s twin sickles, even allowing them to make small gashes across his arms and legs. When the rainbow drinker lunged with his own blade, Karkat would try to catch the attack with a sickle, but it was obvious he needed more practice with the weapons before attempting such skilled use. Guiltily, Kanaya regretted not reminding her schoolmates one last time before they entered the tomb that the rainbow drinkers would be much better fighters than the ones they had disposed of in the abandoned classroom some days prior. Only when she saw Vriska comply with Terezi’s instruction and leap forward to try to blind the largest rainbow drinker with her cloak did Kanaya dare return her full attention to her own duel.

By this time she was getting somewhat familiar with the stubhorned rainbow drinker’s fighting style. In particular, he was very quick to block, but took a moment to recover if she changed her tactics. After a few test blows, Kanaya feinted to the right but veered her chainsaw inward a little further, aiming for the shoulder. It worked, and the rainbow drinker’s arm fell severed to the ground, his knife with it. Before she could congratulate herself, however, her opponent grunted and punched her elbow with its remaining hand. Her grip, already at a bad angle from the complicated cut, loosened from the sudden pain and she dropped the chainsaw, which returned to its lipstick form as it fell. She chastised herself briefly while her opponent kicked the lipstick away from her; she had forgotten for a moment that the rainbow drinkers didn’t feel pain, and thus she had been unprepared for a response so immediately after cutting off his arm.

Ah well, adapt and assess. She had to admit that her decision to wear a dress to this felt especially like it was one of an unintelligent nature now that it looked like she would have to resort to weaponless combat. Yet perhaps she could use the same basic tactic twice? As she and her opponent circled one another, waiting for the other to make the first move, she once again surveyed the rest of the battle. The smallest rainbow drinker had been stripped of his knife, but had gotten hold of one of Terezi’s canechucks somehow, and had wrapped it around the other, so that the two were both struggling to pull the weapons apart from each other. However, they were on the opposite side of the room. Fortuitously enough, however, the large rainbow drinker was nearby, his back towards her as he focused on disarming Vriska while knocking aside Karkat’s sickle attacks.

Kanaya could tell that the stubhorned rainbow drinker had taken note of her moment of distraction and was readying for an attack. She looked carelessly back towards Terezi, waiting to hear the sound of a charge. It came. Kanaya flattened herself to the ground, letting the rainbow drinker race across her – well, trip, really – and crash into the back of the largest one, who stumbled forward in surprise. As Kanaya looked up, she saw Vriska’s blue rapier flash bloodlessly through the chest of the largest rainbow drinker, who fell heavily to the ground moments later. Kanaya got up far enough to grab her opponent from behind and hold him steady while Karkat approached and carefully, so as not to hit her by mistake, disposed of him with his sickles.

The smallest rainbow drinker, who had by this time managed to separate the two canechucks, looked away from his fight with Terezi to take in the bloodless carnage. Wordlessly, he turned to run up the stairs into the sunlight, but Terezi resolutely swung and threw her remaining canechuck after him like bolas, and the chain wrapped around his right leg and made him stumble. Before he could right himself, Vriska had made it to the stairway and was threatening him with her rapier, cloak billowing slightly behind her from her dash.

“All right, looks like this is the part where you tell us your plans!” said Vriska. Kanaya marveled at the infectious grin on her matesprit’s face and how full of life she looked, while the rainbow drinker returned her gaze angrily.

“Go ahead and slay me!” said the rainbow drinker. “You won today, but others will come here and remember the Harley legacy! And !someone! will find the perfect lusus for a vessel!”

“8ored now,” said Vriska, and sliced through the exposed neck. She turned back to the room, gleeful. “Kanaya, you would not 8elieve how gr8 this sword is! It cuts through aaaaaaaanything!” She paused slightly to notice their reproachful expressions. “Whaaaaaaaat? Oh, come on, your Scratch teacher guy can just look up Halley or Harley or whatever in those 8ooks of his.”

“4ND 1 TH1NK 1 C4N PULL SOM3 STR1NGS TO G3T TH1S TOMB F1LL3D 1N 4G41N L1CK3TY-SPL1T” said Terezi. She grinned and walked forward to retrieve her second canechuck from around the reslain rainbow drinker’s leg. “GOOD S4V3 TH3R3 W1TH TH3 DUCK1NG K4N4YUM”

“Thank You” said Kanaya. “Vriska You Do Not Require Any Assistance in Carrying The Bodies To Your Lusus Do You”

“Nah, I got this! I think we should may8e call it a day, though, so much excitement at this hour can't 8e easy on our neophytes.”

“WH1L3 1 PROB4BLY R3S3NT YOUR C4V4L13R US3 OF MY ROL3PL4Y1NG T1TL3 1 4M F33L1NG R4TH3R T1R3D” said Terezi. “4NY OBJ3CT1ON K4RK3YS”

“YEAH, THAT’S FINE,” said Karkat. His voice betrayed a bit of relief, though Kanaya couldn’t tell if Terezi noticed it too behind the other girl’s sunglasses. “LET’S JUST GET OUT OF THIS DUMP, ALL RIGHT? ALL THESE LUSI LYING AROUND GIVE ME THE CREEPS, AND I’M NOT EVEN SURE WHERE WE ARE IN THE CITY ANYMORE.”

“I Can Show You The Way Back To A More Familiar Part Of Bent Karkat” said Kanaya. She and Vriska had become quite familiar with the various graveyard districts over the past few days, and besides, she was going to talk to Karkat whether he liked it or not. “Terezi Do You Need Any Similar Aid In That Regard”

“OH 1M 4 C1TY G1RL DONT WORRY 4BOUT M3” said Terezi. “1 C4N F1ND MY W4Y B4CK H1V3W4RD 1TS NOT L1K3 1M BL1ND OR 4NYTH1NG”

Vriska, who had been captchaloguing the bodies of the three rainbow drinkers, finished her task and led the party back up the stairs into the sunlight. “I guess I'll see you all same time tomoooooooorrow then, right?” she asked as they reconvened at the top of the stairs.

“Sounds Good To Me” said Kanaya, and leant forward to kiss her gently. “Good Fighting Today Everybody”

Vriska and Terezi took off northward together, chatting gleefully, and Kanaya turned to Karkat, whose obstinate expression indicated that he was still uninterested in talking. She sighed and began leading him silently westward through the city towards a point he would recognize, even in the daylight, and be able to find his way back to his hive from. They walked in silence, Karkat glaring petulantly around him at everything in its daytime illumination and Kanaya trying to figure out how best to ask him what was wrong. They had not walked for more than a few minutes when Kanaya heard soft sobbing coming from a tree beside them, and with a bit of confusion noticed a long blue tale drooping despondently from the lower branches.

“Whos Up There” she asked, and after another moment, “Nepeta” as the face of the blue-hatted girl from the supercolony emerged from among the leaves, her cheeks stained with vivid green tears.

“huh? oh, hi kanaya! the pouncelor, um, apologizes fur her less than saccharine disposition and hopes she didn't bother anyone!”

“Thats Quite All Right Nepeta” said Kanaya, forgetting to roleplay. “What Are You Doing In That Tree Anyway”

At the question, Nepeta burst into a new flood of tears and did not answer for several seconds. “it's pounce!!” she said at last, beginning to wipe her glove and wipe her face with it. Kanaya noted with relief that her claws were not at that moment extended. “i lost track of her earlier and i've b33n looking fur her ever since! i tried to get some sl33p in this tr33 but i'm just too worried!”

In a moment, Kanaya recalled the piles of dead lusi in the Harley tomb, and had an awful feeling that Nepeta might not find her lusus again, or at least not in a state that she’d enjoy seeing. She glanced at Karkat and saw that a similar look of concern had overtaken his usually obstinate features. Yet there was probably no good reason to alarm the emotional troll girl with the possibility yet, certainly not while it was no more than a suspicion. It would be better to get her indoors before any other rainbow drinkers found her, and yet Kanaya was unsure how Ardra would take the arrival of a surprise guest. Rohino, however, adored company, since he took it as a sign of Karkat’s strong social connections and he was pleased with basically everything Karkat ever did.

“Why Dont You Come With Us To His Hive” she asked, pointing at Karkat, who stared at her in surprise at having his hive volunteered. She shushed him pointedly before he could begin a lengthy and profanity-ridden objection.

“no... the pouncelor appreciates the champion's kind offur but she wouldn't want to impose on anyone,” said Nepeta, and began to withdraw back into the leaves of the tree.

Kanaya thought over her last conversation with the strange girl and decided to throw caution to the winds. “Its All Right Nepeta This Is My Moirail And Im Sure He Wont Mind A Little Impromptu Recuperover Of Chatting And Destressing”

“meowrail?” asked Nepeta, obviously intrigued. “karkitty?!” She stuck her head back out and looked at Karkat, fascinated, while he grumbled about no one calling him by his proper name anymore. “wait, a recupurrover? with chatting... about f33lings??”

Oh, she was going to hell for this. “Of Course Why Karkat Just Loves Talking About His Feelings”

Nepeta was out of the tree in a moment, her face aglow. “then what are we waiting fur? oh, this is going to be so pawsome!”

 

Karkat’s hive was in a small suburban neighborhood immediately west of Bent proper, which comprised a series of architecturally unsound buildings in no clear order with respect to one another, their lawnrings occasionally connected by paved streets that had in most cases long since fallen into disrepair. Nepeta kept up a running monologue of movies she had seen that featured recuperovers as plot devices for one quadrant or another, and Karkat and Kanaya were both still tired enough from the fight in the death hive that they did not make any serious attempt to distract her until they had all gotten into the hive, had a chance to sit down, and, in Karkat’s case, divest himself of the more ridiculous elements of his attire.

“RIGHT, FUCKWADS, THAT IS MY RECUPERACOON OVER THERE,” announced Karkat once this was done, pointing towards his own sopor bath. “YOU TWO INVITED YOURSELVES OVER SO YOU’RE IN CHARGE OF FINDING A PLACE TO SLEEP BUT FOR MY PART I INTEND TO GET IN THERE SO FAST I MAY EVEN LEAVE MY CLOTHES ON.”

“but karkat, you haven't b33n listening at all!” said Nepeta, throwing herself onto him to his obvious displeasure. “you can't just go to sl33p at a recupurrover, we have to play games and things furst!”

“I Will Confess To Some Unfamiliarity With The Social Construct” said Kanaya, who had not exactly been listening to everything Nepeta had said on the way there. “What Sorts Of Games Are Played At Gatherings Such As This One”

“oh, fun things like spin the faygo, and truth or punishment! or sometimes trolls give each other makeovers!”

“I AM GOING TO VETO THAT LAST ONE RIGHT HERE,” said Karkat. “I HAVE SEEN WHAT KANAYA’S LIPSTICK CAN DO AND I DON’T WANT IT ANYWHERE NEAR ANY PART OF MY BODY.”

“What Is Truth Or Punishment” asked Kanaya, effectively ignoring Karkat’s latest exclamation.

“oh, it is so good for m33ting people!” explained Nepeta. “you ask your friends to choose truth or punishment, and if they choose truth they have to answer whatever question you ask them, and if they choose punishment you get to do whatever you want to them for thirty seconds!”

“IN OTHER WORDS,” said Karkat, “IT’S A GAME FOR HORMONE-ADDLED NOOKSUCKERS WITH SOPOR BETWEEN THEIR HORNS. WHY DON’T YOU TWO GO PLAY WITH MY CRABHOLE OF A LUSUS AND I’LL GET SOME ACTUAL RECUPERATION IN.”

Nepeta shook her head impudently and crawled into Karkat’s lap, attempting to nuzzle under his chin. “uh-uh! you have to play with us, karkitty, it'll be so much fun! kanaya, you can go furst!”

Kanaya observed Nepeta’s position with alarm. True, Karkat did not exactly seem to be enjoying her presence in his lap, but it was certainly not very likely to be of any help to Terezi, who she felt made a much better match for her moirail than this strange huntress. What Nepeta needed in her life was more likely a moirail of her own than a matesprit like she seemed to be angling for. She would have to bring the girl’s mood down a little just so that things did not get out of hand. “Very Well Nepeta Are You More Inclined Towards Truth Or Punishment At The Present”

Nepeta giggled. “it sounds so silly when you say it like that, but i guess truth!”

It was a cruel question, and quite against the point of bringing the cat girl back to Karkat’s hive in the first place, but her carrying on like this was not likely to help anyone. “When Did You Last See Pounce Do You Recall”

As predicted, Nepeta sobered up considerably, even sliding out of Karkat’s lap onto the floor beside him. Her tail began to lash back and forth. “not too fur from where you found me, in the south part of town. i was trying to catch some fish and i think she wandered into some bushes and disappurred.” She looked up sadly. “but kanaya can we not talk about that right now? she's a good kitty and i'm sure she can take care of herself and this game is really more about having fun than getting all flustered!”

Kanaya smiled weakly. “Of Course Nepeta I Apologize For Asking At Such An Inopportune Moment”

“that’s okay,” said Nepeta, and her tail came to a halt behind her. “i have a feline she’ll be all right, but that’s not what we’re here for. karkitty! truth or punishment?”

“SINCE YOU’VE ALREADY INVADED BOTH MY HIVE AND MY LAP, I THINK I’LL PICK TRUTH THIS TIME.”

Nepeta nodded and leant over to whisper conspiratorially to Kanaya. “watch carefully, this is the kind of easy question you're supposed to start off with!” She turned back to Karkat. “what was your favorite of all the meowvies i told you about on the way here?”

“HUH? OH, THAT. COME ON, KITTY CAT GIRL, I WASN’T REALLY LISTENING TO THAT CRAP.” He, too, looked a little guilty after being reminded of the missing Pounce de Leon, Kanaya noticed.

“oh, that's all right, then, i'll just loan you some of mine and you can make a decision fursthand!” said Nepeta, wilting slightly. She hesitated for a moment and then rushed blindly on ahead. “but karkitty, i'm not just a kitty cat girl, you know. i'm a real purrson, just like you.”

“YEAH, I KNOW,” said Karkat, avoiding her gaze. “I JUST… I’M SORRY, OKAY? I… NEVER MIND. YOU’RE RIGHT. KANAYA. TRUTH OR PUNISHMENT?”

“Since Your Conduct Since Finals Have Been Over Has Indicated So Abundantly That You Have Nothing Of Any Endearment Value To Say To Me I Think I Should Perhaps Opt For Punishment” said Kanaya, marveling at herself as she did so. It was little crueler than asking Nepeta about her lusus, but she still doubted that she would have had the self confidence to say such a thing before she had become Slayer, or more specifically, before she had met Vriska. Although surely there were kinder ways of being more assertive?

After a moment, she noticed from her reverie that Karkat did not seem to be saying anything in response, and looked over at him at first curiously and then with alarm. “Karkat” she asked, “Are You Crying” He wasn’t, though, she noticed a moment later. He was shaking, but no tears were falling from his eyes. Instead, he was emitting a steady stream of insults below his breath, not clearly directed at anyone in particular. “Karkat Whatever You Are Doing Does Not Look Especially Enjoyable And I Am Concerned That You May In Fact Be Punishing Yourself Rather More Than Me”

“YEAH, BUT YOU’VE GOT TO WATCH IT,” answered Karkat. Nepeta reached out a timid hand to lay on his knee but he brushed it aside. “YOU WANTED PUNISHMENT, YOU GET TO SEE YOUR BRAINDEAD ASSWIPE MOIRAIL IN DISTRESS WITHOUT YOU ALLOWED TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.”

Kanaya was at this point bewildered and could not think of any reasonable explanation for his behavior. Even Nepeta was looking rather offput. “Karkat” she asked, when the thirty seconds of her staring helplessly at him had come to a close, “Truth Or Punishment”

He groaned. “ARE WE REALLY GOING TO DO THIS IN FRONT OF THE KI—IN FRONT OF NEPETA? I MEAN, SHE’S GOT LOADS BETTER THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT THAN MY CARRYING ON LIKE A WRIGGLER IN A GLUE FACTORY.”

“i'm worried about you too, karkitty!” said Nepeta. “the legis– terezi didn't say anything about this!”

“TEREZI DIDN’T SAY…? HOLD ON, WHERE DID YOU TWO MEET, ANYHOW?”

Nepeta was on him in an instant. “no no no, you don't get to ask anything right now! it's your turn and you haven't even chosen truth or punishment yet!”

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? FINE, WHATEVER, TRUTH, IF THIS IS HOW YOU WANT TO DO THIS.”

Kanaya suspected she sounded much more resolute than she felt. “If There Is One Thing I Have Learned About Our Allegiance Karkat It Is That These Things Must Be Done And That Sooner Is Frequently Superior To Later” He nodded glumly. “Why Have You Been Acting So Angry At Me And To A Lesser Extent Everyone Else Of Late”

“GREAT, OKAY, SO WE’RE GOING THROUGH WITH THIS.” Karkat groaned dramatically. “I’M NOT ANGRY AT YOU, OKAY? YOU HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING WRONG LATELY THAT I HAVEN’T ALREADY FORGIVEN YOU FOR IN THE ALMIGHTY MAGNANIMITY OF MY VASCULAR SYSTEM. NOT YOU OR TEREZI OR EVEN MR. FACELESS HIMSELF.”

“Then What Is The Matter” asked Kanaya. Nepeta interrupted imperiously to point out that Kanaya was only allowed one question at a time but Karkat shushed her.

“IT’S ME, OKAY? I WAS ANGRY AT MYSELF, AND THEN I CAME TO OUR LITTLE MEET’N’GREET AND SAW YOU AND TEREZI ACTING LIKE THE BEST OF PUPA PALS, AND I GOT JEALOUS, AND THEN I WAS EVEN ANGRIER. AND THEN IT TURNS OUT WHILE I WASN’T LOOKING YOU EVEN GOT YOURSELF YOUR OWN MATESPRIT WHOM TEREZI ABSOLUTELY ADORES AND I JUST FELT SO UTTERLY USELESS AND INCONSEQUENTIAL. THAT’S ALL. I’VE BEEN A TOTAL AND COMPLETE ASS BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, BUT WHOOP DE FUCKING DO, YOUR CRAZY CAT FRIEND HERE PROPOSED THAT WE PLAY A GAME OF TELLING EACH OTHER THE TRUTH AND SO I KNEW IT WAS GOING TO COME OUT SOONER OR LATER. HAPPY? YOU DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG; I’M JUST AN ASSHOLE, AND IF YOU HUG ME FOR THAT I FUCKING SWEAR THAT I WILL BITE YOU.”

Kanaya had in fact been rather strongly considering such a deed and was glad of his warning. Instead, she had to be satisfied with sympathetically clucking “Oh Karkat” and similar messages until thinking to ask, “So Wait What Were You Angry At Yourself In The First Place With”

“OH, COME ON,” said Karkat, “NOW THAT REALLY IS A SEPARATE QUESTION.”

“Do You Have Any Especial Questions Or Punishments Planned Out For Either Of Us Then That You Would Rather Perform In The Meantime”

“…NO, I GUESS NOT,” he answered. “FUCK. LOOK, NONE OF WHAT I’M ABOUT TO SAY LEAVES THIS ROOM, GOT IT? OR ACTUALLY, NONE OF WHAT I’VE SAID, EITHER. BASICALLY, IF I SAY IT, YOU DON’T SAY IT.”

“that is actually a tenet of the game that i furgot to mention!” said Nepeta, clinging desperately to structure while processing Karkat’s revelations. “you are not purrmitted to repeat anything you learn here without explicit purrmission of the purrson who said it. it is all betw33n you two and me and the cat’s whiskers.”

“YEAH, WHAT FUCKING EVER. KANAYA, YOU PROMISE NOT TO REPEAT ANYTHING, RIGHT?”

“Of Course”

“FINE. UGH, I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M SAYING THIS OUT LOUD, BUT THERE’S THIS GIRL, OKAY? AND WE’VE BEEN GOING ON THESE CRAZY ADVENTURES LATLEY, AND I HAVE DEVELOPED, UH, CERTAIN FEELINGS FOR HER, RELATED TO A CERTAIN QUADRANT, IF THAT MAKES ANY SENSE. BUT, SHE’S REALLY KIND OF CRAZY AROUND EVERYONE ELSE, TOO, SO I CAN’T TELL IF I’M ACTUALLY ANYTHING SPECIAL TO HER OR IF I’M JUST MAKING IT UP, AND I DON’T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING EXPLICIT IN CASE SHE GETS DISGUSTED AND WANTS TO STOP BEING… WHATEVER WE ARE. SO I KEEP NOT SAYING ANYTHING, BUT SHE DOESN’T SAY ANYTHING EITHER, DOESN’T EVEN BRING UP THE TOPIC OF QUADRANTS, AND AT THE END OF THE NIGHT I JUST FEEL LIKE A STUPID FUCKING COWARD.”

Kanaya and Nepeta exchanged several meaningful looks during Karkat’s explanation, but before Kanaya could say anything in response, the other girl leapt bravely in. “oh goodie! the world-famous relationship pouncelor is once again ready fur action! don't worry, karkitty, we'll sort this out in no time!”

Kanaya rose very pointedly to her feet. “Karkat I Wonder If I Might Have A Word With You In Private Before Your Pounseling Session Gets Underway”

Karkat followed her out of the respiteblock all too willingly and shut the door behind them. His eyebrows were threatening to break free from his forehead. “OKAY,” he began, “JUST WHO IS THIS GIRL AND WHAT IS SHE DOING IN OUR LITTLE HEARTFELT MOMENT?”

Kanaya played nervously with the sash on her dress. “Terezi And I Met Her Last Night In The Supercolony Where She And Her Lusus Were In Search Of A Fountain Of Cute And While She May Not Be Entirely In Her Right Head I Am Positive That She Means Only The Best

“However While She May Well Have Some Useful Gems Of Insight As Regards Your Romantic Difficulties I Think It Would Be Better To Resolve The Other Issue Of Our As You Put It Heartfelt Moment Out Here Before Going Back Inside

“If That Makes Sense”

Karkat grunted. “YEAH, I’M ALL FOR DOING THINGS OUT HERE. LOOK, I’VE BEEN A TOTAL DICK, OKAY? AND I DIDN’T MEAN TO HURT YOU.”

“But When You Beat Yourself Up Like That You Only Hurt Both Of Us” said Kanaya. “Look At Vriska She Is Probably Freer With Her Emotions Than Anyone And You Can See How Happy She Is”

“YEAH, SPEAKING OF VRISKA, WHO THE HELL IS THAT CHICK? SHE’S JUMPING AROUND DECAPITATING PEOPLE, USED TO PAL AROUND WITH TEREZI HARVESTING THE CORPSES OF THE WICKED OR SOME MUSCLEBEASTCRAP LIKE THAT, AND HER BACKSTORY IS THAT YOU SAVED HER FROM SOME RAINBOW DRINKERS? MAYBE THEY TEACH A DIFFERENT MATH IN GRIEF CLASS, BUT THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE TO ME.”

Kanaya paused. Somehow she had never thought to wonder about that. Admittedly the fluorite octet had been in the shape of a parasol at the time, not a proper weapon, but why had Vriska not simply transformed it back into the dice and rerolled for something more lethal? Someone with as much fighting experience as her ought not have been so terrified by the three rainbow drinkers as not to be able to think straight. “I Will Ask Her About That Later” she said, “But That Does Nicely Sum Up The Facts As I Understand Them”

“IT JUST SEEMS ODD, THAT’S ALL. SO… IS SHE A GOOD MATESPRIT? IS SHE TREATING YOU RIGHT? I FIGURE I’VE GOT SOME MAJOR MOIRAIL POINTS TO RECOUP HERE AND HAD BETTER DO SOME GODDAMN VETTING.”

“Perhaps You Should Go Shopping With Her” said Kanaya, and then smirked at the thought. The two of them would probably try to kill each other. “Truly Karkat She Is Everything I Could Think To Ask For And Treats Me With Great Reverence And Pity Whenever I Express My Inadequacies

“There Are Certain Aspects To Her Background That I Feel She Is Still Not Quite Comfortable Telling Me But I Am Doing My Best To Impress Upon Her That Ours Must Be A Relationship Of Total Trust

“In The Meantime I Really Feel That I Am Becoming Much More Self Confident Through Her Attentions And I Do Promise To Inform You If I Ever Develop Serious Misgivings About Her

“Also When She Kisses Me I”

Karkat cut her off gruffly. “ALL RIGHT, I DON’T REALLY NEED TO KNOW ALL THE OOEY-GOOEY GIRLY DETAILS OF MY MOIRAIL KISSING OTHER TROLLS. SAVE THAT FOR GOSSIPING WITH TEREZI OR SOMETHING.” He mimed gagging and Kanaya laughed softly. “GOD, KANAYA, WE HAVE NOT BEEN DOING TOO GREAT AT THIS MOIRAILS THING RECENTLY, HAVE WE? I SEEM TO BE GETTING MAD AT YOU AT THE DROP OF A HAT.”

“That Is A Rather Accurate Proverb Yes” said Kanaya, and hesitated. She didn’t really want to ask her next question, but she didn’t ask and the answer would have been yes, it could only have worse consequences later down the line. “Do You” She shook her head. “Do You Want To Try Ending Our Moirallegiance For A While”

“WHAT?” He stared at her. “NO. HELL NO. I…” he looked in all directions, obviously lost for words. “I… FUCK, NO. WE’RE GOING THROUGH SOME HEAVY SHIT RIGHT NOW WITH ROMANCE AND RAINBOW DRINKERS AND I DON’T FUCKING KNOW WHAT ALL, AND I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I NEED SOMEONE MAKING SURE I DON’T LOSE IT ENTIRELY.” Kanaya started to respond, but he cut her off. “AND THAT SOMEONE HAD GODDAMN BETTER BE YOU, KANAYA; I THINK WE’VE ESTABLISHED THAT I AM COMPLETE SHIT AT FINDING OTHER TROLLS TO HAVE RELATIONSHIPS WITH.”

Kanaya nodded gratefully. There was a lump in some part of her complicated entomic anatomy that she didn’t feel up to trying to identify just then. “Promise That Next Time You Get Angry You Wont Just Take It Out On Yourself”

“SURE, WHATEVER, I FUCKING PROMISE,” answered Karkat. “PROMISE THAT YOU WON’T FEEL SO SORRY FOR SPIDERBITCH ONE DAY THAT YOU LET HER FEED YOU TO HER LUSUS INSTEAD OF DOING THE WORK OF ACTUAL HUNTING?”

“I Promise” said Kanaya, nearly laughing at the ridiculous notion. Ignoring all threats of biting, she put her arms around Karkat and squeezed tightly. Much to her surprise, he returned the pressure. “I Love You Moirail” she said indistinctly into his back.

“YOU TOO, OKAY? JUST… FUCK. I DON’T KNOW. DO YOU REALLY WANT US TO GO BACK IN THERE AND TALK ABOUT MY PERSONAL PROBLEMS WITH THAT GIRL WHO THINKS SHE’S A PAWBEAST?”

“I Think That You Need Some Practice Talking About Your Feelings And This Girl Is Willing And Perhaps Even Qualified To Help You In That Task” said Kanaya, still talking into his back. “In Fact As Your Moirail I Command It”

“OH, FUCK YOU TOO,” said Karkat, pulling back. “FINE, LET’S GO HAVE A FEELINGS JAM IN FUCKING WHISKER LAND, BUT I HAD BETTER NOT STILL OWE YOU ANYTHING WHEN THIS IS OVER.”

 

The feelings jam was, in Kanaya’s opinion, surprisingly successful. It came out rather quickly, to no one’s great surprise, that the girl Karkat had mentioned was Terezi and the quadrant in question was flushed. Nepeta continued to give rather inconsistent advice for the majority of the period, sometimes genuinely trying to set the two of them up together and other times seeming to “purrsue” her own, rather transparent redromantic agenda. Karkat managed to treat her with some modicum of respect, and Kanaya noticed with pleasure that he did seem to be making some progress towards emotional openness, even launching quite unprovokedly at one point into an extended discussion of his frustrations with himself that culminated in a suggestion he should simply be his own kismesis, which was met with general laughter. Although no specific course of action was decided on, Karkat did commit even further to his intentions to definitely probably talk to Terezi about his feelings sometime soon, and Nepeta eventually came to recognize that they would simply be “the cat’s whiskers” together and began cooing delightedly over increasingly romantic and farfetched scenarios that Karkat only half-heartedly rejected.

Eventually Karkat protested that he had been talked about entirely too much and they should really move onto something else, at which point Nepeta produced a series of bows and ribbons from her captchalogue deck. “oh,” she explained when questioned, “from time to time i let pounce get adopted so that we can run off later with all the pretty ornaments people like to put on her!” Unfortunately, Karkat was extremely resistant to getting prettied up, only a few of them went with Kanaya’s dress, and Nepeta had tried them all on numerous times already, so that looked like a bust until Karkat offhandedly suggested they put the bows and ribbons on Rohino, who was sleeping downstairs, and Kanaya latched onto the idea at once, followed by Nepeta once it was explained to her who Rohino was. Nepeta, it turned out, was very good at moving about quietly and messing with sleeping bodies, and by the end of the experiment Rohino was quite thoroughly bedecked in all the colors of the rainbow while still remaining fast asleep.

By this time, though, they were all quite tired, since the sun was beginning to set. The three trolls, feeling most undignified for six sweep-year olds, crept back upstairs to Karkat’s respiteblock, and shortly after an attempt to figure out the intricacies of the 48-sign Alternian horoscope system was aborted by Nepeta preferring to roll on her back and tear up the magazine pages, Kanaya noticed that Karkat had fallen asleep against one wall of the room. The girls became quieter, and within a few minutes, progressed quite naturally to Kanaya resting her head on Karkat’s shoulder and Nepeta curled up in a ball in front of them. The last thing Kanaya remembered was idly playing with Nepeta’s strange blue tail before the throes of sleep overtook her.

It was, she realized, the first time she could remember ever going to sleep outside of a recuperacoon. Ardra had always warned her not to, citing nightmares that the sopor slime could only partially repress but which attacked in full force the moment one went to sleep in the open, and the young Kanaya had always been much too proper to risk herself in the experiment. It was… different. Everything was much more vivid than the vague snatches of dream that would occasionally enter into more soporic slumber, and Kanaya found that she had complete control of her body in the dreamscape.

She looked around her. Everything was inky blackness, a seemingly endless void of nothing. From time to time she thought she could see something moving someplace else in the everywhere, or even a glint of light, but it was always soon swallowed up again by the black. She floated forwards, but the choice of direction was meaningless in a world with neither gravity nor features. It was not as bad in the black dreamscape as she had thought from Ardra’s dire warnings, but certainly there was nothing pleasant about it, and she wondered just how long she would be stuck here without end. Did time pass at the same speed inside her head as in the real world? Would she have to float aimlessly through empty space for as many hours as she slept?

Before total disquiet crept in, however, the blackness was marred by a point of light, one which she seemed slowly to be approaching. As she neared it, the point was joined by other points, farther off, and in time she began to make out more details. The points were in fact spheres, large enough to walk around in, made of a twisty blue substance not dissimilar to the surface of bubbles. And from the closest bubble, the one she had seen first, was emanating a sort of chanting.

She couldn’t make out all the words, but there were titles in the chant, names like “the Page” and “the Thief” and “the Prince.” She had a sense that this chant had been going on for some time, for there was no variation in the intonation, no breaks or false starts or anything. Through the surface of the bubble she could see ten robed figures, sitting and standing and moving about, though she could not yet make out any facial features or horn shapes from her distance away. Always the chant ended – she could tell it ended there, for the tone became more intense and there was always a pause afterwards before they began again – with the same four words, _The Witch attacks us_. Slowly she floated closer, ever closer, straining to hear more of the chant or get a better look at the robed figures.

In an instant, the featurelessness of the dreamscape gave way as enormous alien creatures, darker even than the infinite blackness, appeared around her, claws and antennae and tentacles tearing at the nothing in every direction. As she watched, the dreamscape seemed to ripple outwards from the bubble with the ten robed figures, creating a sort of force field against the creatures and their attacks, and Kanaya could feel a strange psychic energy pulse through her being, telling her to be calm, to cease whatever it was she thought she was doing…

…and then all at once, one of the creatures got in front of her, and she fell into it. Fell into its infinite, red-eyed gaze, and then into the next creature that replaced it, and then the next, a never-ending series of impossible monstrosities staring into her very core, the bubble and the chanting and the psychic pulse either swept away or simply undetectable, as she fell and fell and fell until finally she was awakened in a cold sweat by Karkat rising to his feet and proclaiming to the world that he was starving. She thought, though she did not press him, there was just a hint of terror in his eyes as well.

By that time, their having gone to sleep so late, the sun had been down for quite some several hours already, and Rohino was obviously more than a little worried when they trekked wearily downstairs. Kanaya noticed that the large crab lusus had not been entirely successful in removing the various decorations from his body, and Nepeta burst out into a series of high-pitched giggles on seeing him. Rohino took this as provocation for a fight, and Nepeta and Kanaya obliged him with some clean roughhousing, the latter again regretting her decision to wear a dress the day before, until Karkat could fetch some chilled roe cubes to calm him down.

Fighting with Karkat’s lusus, however, had put Nepeta in mind of her own, and after they had eaten, she implored Kanaya and Karkat to come with her and help her look for Pounce de Leon before the sun rose, to which they at length agreed. It was by then a peculiar sensation wandering the parks and back alleys of Bent in the nighttime, and their search proved fruitless; along the way, Nepeta told them about many of her past adventures with Pounce and how she had never had a connection with other trolls before and how pawsitively amazing it was to have them with her for the search. Eventually, in a coffee shop a little before dawn, Kanaya explained that she and Karkat had to go to the Dark Carnival, for reasons she left not quite specified, and would therefore have to break off helping Nepeta in her hunt for the time being.

“aww, that's all right!” she said, though her lashing tail betrayed a little disappointment. “i'll walk there with you and hopefully we'll run into each other some other time, okay??”

Before they had gotten too far away from the coffee shop, however, they were greeted by a rustling in the bushes accompanied by a deep growl. Kanaya glanced over at Nepeta, who wore a look of confused recognition. “pounce…?” she asked, tremulously. Moments later, a cat lusus stalked from the bushes and stared at them. It had the same double mouth as Kanaya had seen on Pounce de Leon in the supercolony, but the front fangs were even pointier now, and there was something wrong with its eyes. After a moment, though, Kanaya realized the biggest problem of all: the lusus was glowing.

“Oh No” she said softly, as beside her Karkat unleashed a low string of frustrated epithets. On her other side, Nepeta was reaching forward, and Kanaya quickly held her back. “Dont" she said, trying to sound as calm and trustworthy as she could. “Thats Not Pounce Anymore Nepeta”

“what do you mean?” asked Nepeta, who obviously did not quite know what to think. “she's got the same purrfect kitty face and adorable little whiskers as ever... why is she glowing?”

“Shes Been Bitten By A Rainbow Drinker” said Kanaya. “I Didnt Know They Could Affect Lusi Too But Shes Not The Same She Doesnt Have Her Soul Any Longer”

“YOU’D BETTER LET US HANDLE THIS, NEPETA,” said Karkat, producing his twin sickles and eying the glowing pawbeast warily. “WE’VE, UM, WE’VE HAD TO FIGHT RAINBOW DRINKERS BEFORE, OKAY?”

“Please Nepeta You Have To Trust Us Pounce Doesnt And Cant Love You Anymore” said Kanaya, looking straight into the other girl’s frightened eyes. She opened her captchalogue deck, searched through it, and in panic realized what was wrong. “Karkat” she said, “I Think I Left My Lipstick In The Harley Tomb”

“FUCK,” said Karkat, and pushed them both behind him. “YOU KEEP NEPETA QUIET, AND I’LL HANDLE THIS.” He walked forward, and Kanaya noticed his shoulders shaking. Pounce was by no means large by lusus standards, but she was still about the same size as sixth-sweep trolls like themselves, and she had four clawed legs and two fanged mouths to do damage with, plus, if the troll rainbow drinkers were anything to go by, a complete insensitivity to pain. “HERE, KITTY, KITTY,” said Karkat, “LET’S DANCE.”

Faster than Kanaya would have believed possible, Pounce had sprung forward and raked Karkat savagely across the left shoulder, causing him to drop the sickle from his left hand. “karkitty!” cried Nepeta in distress, as he stepped quickly backwards, slashing his remaining sickle across Pounce’s left haunch but with no obvious effect. He swung again, but Pounce moved with the same lightning speed and literally caught the sickle in her powerful jars before flicking her head to tear the weapon in two and cast the halves away from her.

Karkat tried to abscond, but she punched him squarely in the midsection with a front paw and sent him flying breathless to the ground. Kanaya searched desperately through her captchalogue deck for anything else she could try to transform into a weapon, but it was completely empty. Why hadn’t she had more foresight and tried to carry no less than five transformable items on her at all times? As she began fumbling to untie the sash from around her dress, Nepeta broke away and stood resolutely facing Pounce, who was now looking back and forth between them and Karkat, apparently trying to decide who was the bigger threat. Green tears trickled down Nepeta’s cheeks as the claws slid smoothly out from her gloves.

“Nepeta Dont" said Kanaya, though she had to admit she had no better plan. “Shes Dangerous Like This You Cant”

“somebody n33ds to protect karkitty!” said Nepeta, and without waiting, leapt forward onto her undead lusus, claws extended. Kanaya rushed over to Karkat to pull him aside and help him up to his feet, all the time moaning “Oh No Oh No Oh Karkat This Is Wrong We Have To Do Something”

“FUCK,” Karkat repeated, alternating between cursing and drawing in long rasping breaths, “GODDAMN, FUCKING HELL.” His sickles, even had they had not just proved useless, had been broken or knocked away, and Kanaya was not getting her sash to transform one bit no matter how hard she tried to alchemize it. This was surely a much direr situation than her duel with the Stabmonger, and if she could only manage to concentrate…

Before them, Nepeta and Pounce rolled about together in a flurry of tails and teeth and claws. Tufts of fur and drops of green blood flew in all directions, and Nepeta’s blue hat was soon knocked away and left abandoned as Karkat continued to struggle to breathe and Kanaya tried furiously to be of some use. Angry grunts, meows, and Karkat’s running commentary filled her ears as the sash stubbornly refused to change.

An eternity of dust and blood later, and yet all too soon, it was over. The undead Pounce lay still on the ground, holes torn through her chest, and Nepeta was sprawled over her, drenched in green blood and practically motionless. Kanaya and Karkat rushed to turn her over, though her front side was no more encouraging. “Oh Nepeta” said Kanaya, rubbing her hand through the girl’s hair and not minding the blood as it stuck to her, “Oh I Am So Sorry”

“WE’RE GOING TO FUCKING GET YOU OF HERE,” said Karkat, his voice panicky, “GOD, I’LL ASK TEREZI IF SHE CAN FIND SOME LEGAL FREAKS TO PICK YOU UP AND GIVE YOU A PROPER FUNERAL, NO WAY WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU GET EATEN BY WILD ANIMALS OR SOME JACKASS’S LUSUS, OKAY?”

“no, i want that!” said Nepeta, her voice so faint they had to lean in to be sure they heard her. “everything n33ds to eat, karkat! if i'm eaten, then at least i get to be useful to someone one last time!”

“Nepeta I Promise I Will Do Everything I Can To Make Sure Nothing Like This Happens Ever Again” said Kanaya, still stroking her hair. She wanted to pick the girl up, but wasn’t sure if that might be even worse for her at that point. “Pounce Loved You And She Would Have Been Proud Of How You Fought Today”

“thank you,” said Nepeta. Her eyes flickered weakly. “karkitty, could you lean in a little closer, please?”

Karkat did so, and painfully slowly, Nepeta raised her head upwards and gave him the feeblest of kisses right on the lips. “give that… give that to terezi for me,” she said, falling back down. “the est33med pouncelor hopes you will make her… very happy.”

She was silent, and so were Kanaya and Karkat, for several minutes. At last Kanaya looked down at her other hand to discover that the sash had at last transformed, though not into a weapon at all, but rather a single pink flower. She laid it gently on top of Nepeta’s chest, and the two rose to their feet and began the slow walk to the Dark Carnival, supporting each other as they went.

When they got there, only Terezi was waiting outside. Kanaya turned to Karkat. “Do You Mind If I Go Inside By Myself For A Little Bit” she asked. “Id Like Well Id Like To Talk To Vriska Before We Go Patrolling Today”

“YEAH, THAT’S FINE,” said Karkat. He looked down. “I SHOULD PROBABLY TALK TO TEREZI, ACTUALLY.”

Kanaya smiled sadly and walked on ahead, bypassing Terezi’s questions about her tousled and bloodied appearance and ignoring the watchlusus’s indignant request for an entrance fee. She ascended the circular staircase and found the door to Vriska’s respiteblock helpfully open, with her matesprit repeatedly rolling her dice in search of new and better results. Wordlessly, Kanaya walked over to her and embraced her tightly.

“Whoa, you're a 8it early today!” said Vriska after a moment, evidently concerned. “Everything all right?”

“No Its Not” said Kanaya. “Vriska I Would Like For You To Come Meet My Lusus Sometime”

“Huh? Okay, s8re! Sort of a 8ig step, don't you think?”

Kanaya shook her head tiredly. “I Have Met A Troll Who I Believe Thought That The Most Important Things In Our Lives Were Our Purrsonal Relationships” She pulled back to look Vriska directly in the face. “You Are My Matesprit And We Share Everything Together Even As You Have Trusted Me With The Details Of Your Own Life”

“Oh, yeah, totally! 8ut, uh, you pro8a8ly don't really want to meet my lusus, I should say, she's not the most pleasant company...”

“The Thought Is Enough Thank You” said Kanaya. “Come On I Suspect There Is Something I Should Like To See On The Dance Floor”

Vriska was obviously very much confused, but allowed herself to be pulled away to the railing. Kanaya scanned the crowd of dancers for a few seconds before pointing Vriska towards what she had been looking for. Standing off to one side of the room were Karkat and Terezi, the former still a bit ruffled, in each other’s arms and kissing gently. Vriska let out a whistle, her face a wide grin. “Well, how a8out that! You really need to t8ll me what's 8een going on with you guys today.”

“I Will” said Kanaya, reaching down to take Vriska’s hand in her own. “But First I Would Very Much Like To Sit Down For A While If You Have No Objection”

As they walked back away from the railing, Kanaya vaguely recalled that there had been some question she had meant to ask her matesprit, though she could not for the life of her remember what it had been. She smiled fondly as she sat down and rested her head against Vriska’s shoulder. It couldn’t have been anything important.

Meanwhile, getting ever closer, a man grimly surveyed the wild seas of Alternia from on board a small racing ship. This ludicrous vessel was the best he had been able to obtain from the naval merchants with the few funds he had scraped together before his superiors had sought to bridle him away from his quest. Somehow, he would make it suffice to cross the ocean, for it was udderly imperative that he locate Kanaya Maryam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think... I think Karkat and Kanaya will get along from now on. They have been pretty implausible moirails so far but that really ought to change if anything is to get done. Also with every chapter I rue a little harder my decision to use the typing quirks, if only because of punctuation problems.


	7. Nautical Nightmare

> Let us broach the subject of troll language. With young pupae invariably raised by _Lusus naturae_ , rather than by other trolls, there is little opportunity for direct linguistic transfer from one generation to the next. Since the carpenter droids are manifestly useless for all functions but hive building, it is the lusi who must teach their young charges language and the use of it, even as they are the source for all other aspects of trolls’ earliest education. While trolls growing up in close proximity to others of their same age, as sometimes occurs in communal hive stemsets and other cities, are exposed to a greater extent of linguistic diversity, for the most part, at least in the first sweep or two, a troll’s speech style is very nearly a direct consequence of that of its lusus. Thus two trolls raised by similar lusi, for instance a troll and its ancestor, will almost invariably learn very similar speech styles.
> 
> It is initially difficult for us outsiders to troll society to understand how language might ever change on Alternia, if the linguistic innovations of imagos – even just the few that remain on-planet – are not directly passed on to the next generation. My operating theory is that actively caretaking lusi remain somehow in contact with their subterranean compatriots in the brooding caverns, and as part of this contact, inform the subterranean lusi of new developments in the language so that they may be passed along to new pupae in due time. As is the case for any linguistically capable species or society, not all innovations – most likely, an overwhelming minority – survive to change the language for other speakers, contemporary or yet unborn, and so it is ultimately the lusi who are in charge of deciding how the troll language will progress from perigee to perigee.
> 
> Regrettably, this is only a theory, and no serious inquiry has ever been made into the true workings of the lusus population, owing in no small part to the laws enacted since the mutiny of the legendary Summoner and his army of so-called wild beasts. The Summoner and his followers, from what I have been able to discover with the aid of Mr. Captor, sought among other things to understand the lusi, and Alternia became concerned that giving them too much attention might lead the lusi themselves to abandon their caretaking roles and perhaps even to rise up in rebellion against their troll charges. Upon the quashing of the Summoner’s mutiny, it became forbidden to study the ways of the lusi, lest they again feel the social empowerment once previously afforded them. Whenever some particularly enterprising troll wishes to circumvent or abolish the law, the scientific gladiatorial rings are forever full of competitors more than willing to sweep the offending proposal – and its proposer – into the proverbial pit of spikes.
> 
> Instead, the lusi remain tied to their individual charges, in many cases refusing even to communicate with any other trolls. This symbiotic communication is strictly telepathic: in the earliest, pupal stages of a troll’s development, the telepathy is verbal, serving as described to instill the young troll with language; as the troll progresses beyond the wiggler stage of its ontogeny and becomes ever more comfortable with language, the lusus makes ever less use of it, until communication is all but entirely conceptual, at a pre-symbolic level of pure thought. Exceptions to this program most typically occur when the lusus is relaying to its charge something originally textual in nature, for instance a written note or the contents of a book. While trolls vary in their ability to send their own thoughts in this manner in reply (I suspect but am presently unable to confirm an inverse correlation with their proficiency with other powers), their lusi appear universally proficient, and this nonverbal communication contributes greatly to the close emotional connection between a lusus and its charge.
> 
> Returning to the topic of troll language, the existence and status of Imperial Trollspeak, or Enforced Pronunciation, as a “standard” dialect bears mentioning. It is tempting to classify IT/EP as a phonological and prosodic averaged out manifestation of troll language, which individual trolls try and frequently fail to mimic perfectly, but such would be a hopelessly naïve view particularly in light of the lusus transmission facts previously mentioned. Nevertheless, it seems clear that IT/EP is prosodically more complex than the productions of many individual trolls, which distinction is mirrored almost perfectly in the use of punctuation, although there do exist trolls who use punctuation (however sparingly) without having mastered the accompanying prosodic signals. The orthographic form of IT/EP is used as something of a de facto standard for published materials, although it is not uncommon to see idiolectic conventions in more personalized inscription, especially since not all trolls actually attain mastery of IT/EP in their (frequently shortened) lifespans. Increased contact with larger numbers of other trolls, or intense contact with just one other troll which itself has suitable connections (e.g. a long-distance moirallegiance) may suffice to instill some mastery of IT/EP in a troll, and in many cases, that mastery increases with time/interaction. On the other hand, such idiolectic commonalities as no initial fall in pitch (orthographically, not using capital letters) are absolutely forbidden in non-troll learners of the language such as ourselves, thus creating for IT/EP a certain secondary (and low-prestige) status as a monolinguistically descendent creole. Since diverse idiolects are practically unfailingly mutually intelligible, this ruling is I suspect enforced exclusively in order to devalue non-troll speakers.
> 
> - _Alterniabound: A Primer on Troll Society for the Non-Native_ , unpublished, by L’londria Rosehip

 

“How Much Did Scratch Tell You” asked Kanaya. She and Ardra were outside their hive, Kanaya seated upright in a pastel yellow hammock tied to two of the trees and Ardra stretched luxuriously across the landscape. After a point, it had become apparent that neither she nor Karkat had any interest in patrolling that day after witnessing Nepeta’s fatal duel with her undead lusus, and their respective matesprits had not ventured any objection. Kanaya and Vriska had made the trek back to Kanaya’s hive, stopping only at the Harley tomb to retrieve the lipstick and check for signs of further activity, of which there seemed to have been none. Any government connections that Terezi claimed to have had evidently not yet taken action in sealing up the tomb. Now Vriska was sitting in the shade beside the hive, waiting to be presented while Kanaya had the conversation she had been alternately dreading and looking forward to since learning of her newfound destiny.

Ardra shifted her bulbous frame and explained silently that Scratch had pledged to tell her everything he knew, and as far as she had been able to tell, had for the most part kept that promise. She knew the background of the Slayers and the Sleeping Empress, the members of the Rainbow Rumpus Party, and the details of what few specific encounters Scratch knew much about, most particularly their first one in the empty Green Sun classroom. She understood that Scratch had stepped up to help Kanaya and the others as a natural function of his extensive knowledge of Biophobia and his research materials on the zoologically dubious in particular, although she was not sure he had given her the complete story in that regard.

“What Do You Think He Was Leaving Out” asked Kanaya, but Ardra had no more specific intuition than a general sense of something having been not quite right in that part of the explanation, although Scratch was definitely a charming gentleman.

She knew moreover that Scratch’s coworker, the Sinister Stabmonger, had spoken begrudgingly highly of Kanaya’s Grief skills, although Scratch had not revealed to him the reason for his asking. She knew that Scratch had yet to hear of any public alarm about the rainbow drinkers’ presence, which she took to be a sign of the Rainbow Rumpus Party’s success, and she understood that Kanaya would have told her everything immediately had Scratch not insisted that he would break the news himself.

“So Ur” said Kanaya when Ardra had finished, “What Do You Think”

For a while, Ardra projected no thought at all into Kanaya’s mind. Then her antennae quivered, and she explained with all the simplicity and straightforwardness intrinsic to her telepathic communication that she was worried, but more importantly, very, very proud. She insisted that Kanaya be careful and watch out for herself and her friends while on patrol, but had no objection to the patrols continuing, since they were doing the right thing to protect Alternia. Kanaya was growing up so fast, added Ardra, that soon she would have no need of her lusus at all.

Kanaya knew that Ardra had voluntarily shortened her lifespan by abdicating her potential as a mother grub in favor of becoming a lusus, but she always tried not to think about that, and this time was no exception. Instead she laughed falsely and told Ardra not to worry, she would be “Exceptionally Careful In All Slaying Related Activities Particularly After The Events Of This Morning”

Ardra requested more information, and Kanaya slowly explained the story of Nepeta – she had never gotten her last name, she supposed – from their first meeting in the supercolony mini-park to her last moments just a couple hours earlier. “I Cannot Let That Happen Again” she concluded, “Not To Any Of My Friends Nor To Anyone Else” She swallowed. “Even If Fighting These Rainbow Drinkers Were Not My Destiny It Would Still Be The Right Thing To Do”

In response, Ardra slithered underneath the hammock, and Kanaya rested a hand on her flank in appreciation. “Its Just All So Much To Try To Comprehend” she said after a moment. “Im Only Six Sweeps Old And There Are Just So Many Of Them But I Dont Want To Show Too Much Weakness To My Friends In Case They Get Worried Too

“But Ardra You Would Not Believe How Brave They All Are Even My Moirail Karkat Although I Am Afraid His Experience Does Not Quite Match His Enthusiasm

“I Care About Them All So Much And Sometimes I Even Worry That That Might Be A Danger I Mean What If One Of Them Gets Hurt And I Am Too Distracted By That To Do What Needs Doing”

Kanaya slowed her run of words as Ardra began projecting feelings of pure comfort into her mind. Once she had calmed down, Ardra rolled over to look Kanaya directly in the eye, making her communication feel even more direct. She intended to explain why she was letting her only charge do this, despite all the danger. She asked that Kanaya think back to the books that Ardra used to read to her, in particular _The Pity of Champion Parthena_. Did she remember?

“Of Course” said Kanaya. “It Was One Of My Favorite Stories I Even Sometimes Used To Pretend To Be Her You May Recall”

Then would she summarize it?

“The Champion Parthena Was Supposedly The Right Hand Troll Of The Summoner At The Peak Of His Power Following His Mutiny

“Both She And The Summoner At That Time Had Come To Pity Deeply A Legendary Captain Known As The Marquise Who Had Become Leader Of A Vast Fleet Of Pirate Ships

“This Marquise Was Notoriously Unwilling To Tie Herself Down And So Refused To Commit To Either The Champion Or The Summoner Although The Champion Made It Clear That Her Loyalty To The Summoners Cause Would Be Her First Priority And She Would Not Begrudge Him The Matespritship Of The Marquise If She Were To Choose Him For Such A Purpose

“But As Time Went On It Became Apparent That The Point Was Moot For Indeed The Marquise Was Working In Her Own Interests And Was In Fact Primed To Betray Them Both

“The Champion Was Dispatched To Defeat The Marquise And Rather Than Taking Advantage Of Their Connection To Obtain An Audience She Opted For The More Honorable Course Of Action Of Sneaking Aboard The Marquises Ship In The Dead Of The Day

“After A Great Battle She Was Able To Defeat The Marquise But On Account Of Her Pity For Her Was Unwilling To Deliver The Final Blow And So Brought Her Back To The Summoner Instead

“In The End It Was The Summoner Who Killed The Marquise While The Champion Held Her Close So That Her End Would At Least Be A Pleasant One

“Of The Champion No More Was Written Although I Believe The Death Of The Marquise Led Also To The Death Of The Summoner Because Killing Her Had Activated A Tracer Signal That Had Been Placed On Her Person By A Neophyte Legislacerator Many Solar Sweeps Beforehand

“Why Do You Ask”

In response, Ardra projected an image of the book’s cover, which was a skill that Kanaya had not hitherto realized her lusus possessed. In the image stood a fanciful, somewhat abstract picture of the Champion, clad in a light polymer armor with her grubsprite familiar perched tall on her shoulder. Her face was totally obscured in the shadow of her helmet, as was customary for representations of the past, and she held a huge shield bearing the Summoner’s emblem in one hand and a gleaming white spear in the other. What drew Kanaya’s attention, though, was the sign on her chest, which matched Kanaya’s exactly.

Before she could begin to voice her question, Ardra assured her that she was correct. _The Pity of Champion Parthena_ , at least to the best of her knowledge, was no fiction at all but the only known surviving account of the events leading up to the Summoner’s demise and the corresponding end of his mutiny. The Champion was, as far as Ardra could tell, Kanaya’s ancestor, and her warrior background assured Ardra that her charge, however young and worried, would stand firmly against the undead hordes threatening Alternia.

More importantly, it was the Champion’s pity and fondness that Ardra felt had been the true source of her power, and it was these that would protect Kanaya in the challenges to come. She was not alone, and as long as her friends and lovers stood by her, Ardra was sure that she would continue to make her the proudest lusus in the desert.

In response, Kanaya could only climb down from the hammock and embrace thankfully as much of the virgin mother grub as she could reasonably encircle in her arms. She had never been able to return Ardra’s telepathic communications in kind, but she tried as hard as she could to express her love and gratitude through physical contact alone. “In That Case” she said at last, “You Should Meet Someone For Whom I Feel Pity And Fondness Both”

At Kanaya’s call, Vriska slid out of the shadows and walked towards the hammock, grinning uncertainly. Kanaya gave her lusus one last grateful squeeze and began to introduce the two most important women in her life.

 

> gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling gardenAgnostic [GA]
> 
> GC: W3LL K4N4YUM MOR3YUM WH4T 4 SURPR1S3 TO S33 YOU  
>    
> GA: Hello Terezi  
> GA: Your Continued Aspersions Towards The Taste Of My Name Grow Ever More Alarming  
>    
> GC: 4LL 1N 4 D4Y’S WORK 1 4SSUR3 YOU  
> GC: 4LL 1N 4 D4Y’S WORK >:]  
>    
> GA: How Are You Then  
>    
> GC: 1 4M DO1NG QU1T3 W3LL  
> GC: 1N F4CT 1 H4V3 JO1N3D YOU 4ND VR1SK4 1N TH3 M4T3SPR1TS CLUB  
> GC: P3RH4PS W3 C4N G3T R3DUC3D R4T3S FOR SO M4NY P1T14BL3 P3OPL3  
>    
> GA: My Congratulations  
> GA: Though I Am Sorry For The Circumstances Under Which You Came To Your Understanding  
>    
> GC: Y3S D3F1N1T3LY  
> GC: TH3 POUNC3LOR W1LL B3 M1SS3D  
> GC: 1 4M H4NG1NG MY SC4L3M4T3S 4T H4LF M4ST 3V3N 4S W3 SP34K >:[[[  
>    
> GA: Yes That Certainly Sounds Like An Appropriate Response Given The Circumstances  
> GA: I Guess  
> GA: Ur  
> GA: How Is Karkat  
> GA: ?  
>    
> GC: JUST F1N3  
> GC: H3’S SL33P1NG R1GHT N3XT TO M3 4CTU4LLY  
> GC: W3LL OK4Y NOT SO MUCH SL33P1NG 4S  
> GC: F41NT3D  
>    
> GA: Fainted  
> GA: What Have You Been Doing To Him  
>    
> GC: H3H3H3  
> GC: 4 L4DY N3V3R R3V34LS H3R S3CR3TS! >:D  
> GC: YOU 4ND VR1SK4 W1LL H4V3 TO COM3 UP W1TH YOUR OWN 1D34S  
> GC: H3 W4S D3F1N1T3LY 4T NO PO1NT CH41N3D TO 4NYTH1NG  
> GC: NOT 4NYON3 31TH3R  
> GC: BUT DON’T WORRY H3’LL B3 JUST F1N3 WH3N W3 M33T COM3 SUNR1S3  
> GC: W3 4R3 M33T1NG R1GHT? TH4T D1DN’T STOP B31NG 4 TH1NG TH4T H4PP3NS?  
>    
> GA: I Will Be Up For It If He Is  
> GA: Vriska Met My Lusus Yesterday Actually It Was Very Nice  
> GA: My Lusus Had Nothing But Good Things To Think About Her  
>    
> GC: 3XC3LL3NT  
> GC: 1T 1S GOOD TH4T YOU 4R3 SP3ND1NG T1M3 TOG3TH3R OUTS1D3 OF P4TROLS  
> GC: 4LL WORK 4ND NO FUN M4K3S 4 M4T3SPR1TSH1P DON3!  
>    
> GA: Yes Definitely  
> GA: That Thing You Just Said Makes Sense In Addition To Rhyming  
> GA: We Actually Have A D8 Scheduled For A Few Nights From Now  
>    
> GC: 4 D8  
> GC: 4R3 YOU T4LK1NG 4BOUT H3R S1LLY D1C3 TH1NGS  
>    
> GA: Oh No Sorry  
> GA: A Date  
>    
> GC: WHY 4R3 YOU GO1NG ON 4 H4T3 D4T3 W1TH YOUR M4T3SPR1T?  
> GC: S33MS PR3TTY S1LLY >:|  
> GC: YOU SHOULD B3 GO1NG OUT FOR 4 P1TY P4RTY 1F 4NYTH1NG 4M 1 R1GHT  
>    
> GA: Well Yes That Is Probably The More Common Terminology  
> GA: Vriska Assures Me That Once Upon A Time Trolls Went On Dates With Their Partners In All Quadrants  
> GA: Not Just The Black One  
> GA: And We Are Pioneering A Reinst8ment Of Traditional Voca8ulary Or Something Like That  
> GA: She Was On A History Kick Today Probably To Distract Me From Thinking About Nepeta  
>    
> GC: W3LL 1F 1T 1S D1STR4CT1NG YOU W4NT TH3N 1 C4N R3G4L3 YOU W1TH TH3 4BSOLUT3 L4T3ST  
>    
> GA: Please Do  
>    
> GC: 1 H4V3 B33N GR4NT3D 4 LOW L3V3L POS1T1ON 1N TH3 LOC4L L4W OFF1C3  
> GC: 1 4M TH31R N3W3ST 1NT3RN1N4TOR  
> GC: 1 K1CK 4SS 4ND T4K3 M3MOS >:D  
>    
> GA: My Further Congratulations  
> GA: You Are Ever Nearer To Legislaceratorhood  
>    
> GC: PR3C1S3LY!  
> GC: 1 H4V3 F1L3D 4N OFF1C14L R3PORT ON TH3 D4NG3ROUSLY OP3N ST4T3 OF TH3 H4RL3Y TOMB  
> GC: BY WH1CH 1 M34N TH4T 1 THR34T3N3D S3V3R4L OF MY SUP3R1ORS W1TH BOD1LY H4RM UNT1L TH3Y P41D 4TT3NT1ON TO M3  
> GC: 4ND SUBTLY M4N1PUL4T3D SOM3 OTH3RS  
> GC: 4ND 4T3 SOM3 DONUTS  
> GC: 4ND SO ON >;]  
> GC: 1 SUSP3CT W3 W1LL S33 SOM3 4CT1ON TH3R3 V3RY SOON 1ND33D  
>    
> GA: Many Thanks  
> GA: We Will Have To Remember To Ask Scratch If He Knows Anything About That  
> GA: I Am Uncomfortable With The Idea Of Rainbow Drinkers Worshipping Even More Dangerous Powers  
> GA: It Puts Me In Mind Of The Glubbites  
> GA: Perhaps We Should Add The Shipyard To Our Regular Patrol Route  
>    
> GC: F1N3 BY M3  
> GC: 4 L1TTL3 S34 41R 1S GOOD FOR JUST1C3  
> GC: H3H3H3 1 TH1NK K4RK4T 1S W4K1NG UP >:O  
> GC: S33 YOU 4ROUND SUNR1S3  
>    
> GA: Goodbye  
> 
> 
> gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling gardenAgnostic [GA]
> 
> GA: Please Do Not Treat Him Too Roughly  
> GA: Oh Dear

 

Even to Kanaya, the sunlight felt ominous that next day while approaching the shipyard. Already they had encountered one rainbow drinker that morning, a small female with forked horns and a battleaxe who leapt out at them from behind a blank tombstone, but Terezi had managed to capture the axe in the chains of her canechucks and Karkat stabbed the rainbow drinker through the chest moments later with his remaining sickle. The two of them were behaving more like a unit since admitting their pity for one another, Kanaya was happy to see, though they had all four agreed that patrol was no time for flagrant romancing.

Vriska was her usual boisterous self, Cloak of Void wrapped loosely about her shoulders and carrying eight razor-sharp blue throwing knives in her captchalogue deck, but she too began to get concerned as they neared the seaside. “There’s a 8ad 8reeze today!” she said, and pulled the cloak tighter around her.

“4GR33D” said Terezi. “TH3 S34 SM3LLS 4NGRY TOD4Y”

“YOUR NOSE AND TONGUE ARE JUST RETARDEDLY CLARIVOYANT, TEREZI,” said Karkat, with obvious affection.

There was nothing apparently wrong with the shipyard itself when they got there. It was entirely deserted, with only three iron-hulled vessels beached along the sea rim betraying its usual nighttime functions. Crates and ropes were stacked all along the docks, but showed no signs of having been forced open or otherwise tampered with. Kanaya saw no glowing bodies lurking in wait, either, although the sunlight made it predictably difficult to rule out the possibility.

Carefully, they climbed down from the dock to the small beach in order to inspect the ships themselves. “Do You Think We Can Get Up Into These” asked Kanaya as she looked upward towards the nearest ship’s foredeck.

“SURE,” said Karkat, “THERE ARE PLENTY OF MOORING ROPES AND WE COULD SCALE THEM IF NECESSARY. DO WE REALLY FUCKING HAVE TO, THOUGH?”

Kanaya frowned. “It Might Be Nice To Get A Lay Of The So To Speak Land Now While There Is No Urgency In Case We Are Forced Onto One Of Them For Whatever Reason At Some Later Point

“Besides I Have Never Been On A Ship Before Even While Beached Have You Karkat”

“NO, BUT IF I WENT OUT OF MY WAY TO DO EVERY DAMN THING I’D NEVER DONE BEFORE…” he paused and glared appreciatively at Terezi. “WELL, MY LIFE’D BE ABOUT THE SAME AS IT IS NOW, REALLY, WITH THIS MANIAC INVOLVED.”

“I’ve always wanted my own 8oat,” said Vriska. “Oh, do lets!”

The discussion was abruptly cut off, however, by the sea before them exploding into sound and fury. From the distance came a barely serviceable raft, which appeared to be no more than broken parts of a larger vessel tied roughly together, and atop the raft knelt the largest troll Kanaya had ever seen. His long black hair was coated with sea spray and clung tightly to his heavily muscled body. The sleeves on his shirt had been torn away, possibly for use in creating the raft, and the sunglasses over his eyes were heavily cracked. His hands dipped repeatedly into the sea, one after the other, and Kanaya realized after a moment that he was rowing the raft with his body alone.

Around the raft, swimming figures were rising repeatedly from the waves, trying to attack the raft’s commander only to be bludgeoned back repeatedly by blows from his non-rowing hand. The more heavily armed of the swimmers were attacking him with tridents and other similar weapons, but while blue blood flew from the muscled troll at every scratch, mingling with the splashes of the waves, he seemed otherwise unfazed by their attacks. He stared fixedly at the shoreline from behind his sunglasses, barely turning aside even to repel the attacks of the swimmers.

As the tableau got closer, Kanaya was able to get a better look at one of the attackers. It appeared to be a troll, although the rings and necklaces it wore were unusual even for older trolls and their higher degree of fashion consciousness. Then she noticed the gills on either side of its face – indeed, on all of their faces, she realized after another moment of inspection – and cried “Sea Trolls” even as Vriska shouted “They’re glu88ites!” beside her.

“W3 N33D TO B3 R34DY TO H3LP HIM WH3N H3 G3TS 4SHOR3” said Terezi, and they ran down to the ocean. The raft got ever nearer, and suddenly the muscled troll tensed, rose slightly up from his kneeling position, and with one mighty leap cleared the distance between him and the shore, his raft striking two approaching glubbites squarely in the chins as it was pushed backwards by his jump. While he lay panting on the sand, blue blood still leaking slowly out from his numerous cuts, the Rainbow Rumpus Party assembled to face the incoming glubbite assault.

There were only about seven of them all, Kanaya discovered as they rose up from the shallows with their weapons at the ready. Their seemingly greater numbers during the siege on the raft must have come from their repeatedly dipping back underwater and resurfacing elsewhere. Other than the gills – and notably, they displayed no discomfort with breathing above water – she noticed no other obvious physical difference between their assailants and the ordinary land trolls she was used to. Their bodies were perhaps a little leaner, but that might just have been from all the swimming. They wore swimming trunks and various amounts of jewelry, but instead of bearing their own signs, they all had the same sign that Kanaya remembered being forced to look away from on the tiara of the Sleeping Empress, though this time it held no such power over her. Rather than the sign being imprinted on shirts or necklaces or anything like that, it was branded on each of their chests.

The leftmost glubbite, evidently thinking her defenseless, thrust his trident at Kanaya, only to have all its tines severed as the lipstick in her hand transformed instantaneously into its chainsaw form. Whatever material the sea trolls’ weapons were made of was evidently no match for her weapon. Her triumph was short lived, though, for the glubbite changed tactics immediately and gripped the remainder of his trident around the middle instead, swinging it around in obviously well-practiced circles. Another glubbite had noticed their duel and was splashing towards them to join in.

Beside her, Vriska was stalwartly throwing her knives at her enemies, but the sea trolls were obviously far more experienced fighters than the miscellaneous rainbow drinkers they had been accustomed to and were dodging them expertly. Her second knife had managed to cut across the leg of one of them, who was now walking with something of a limp, but she was still not especially effective.

“W3 N33D TO R3TR34T” shouted Terezi. She and Karkat were standing back to back in the center of a circle of glubbites, weapons flashing forward repeatedly to block or be blocked by their attackers’ own. Kanaya noticed several small gashes in the side of her full-body suit already, with drops of teal blood leaking from them, and Karkat was obviously handicapped by carrying only a single sickle, though he had managed to catch one sea troll’s spear and snap it in half.

Kanaya’s own assailant took advantage of her distraction to press forward, the lower half of his staff sweeping down and around to strike hard against her wrist. Kanaya cried out from the abrupt pain, and the sea troll advanced once more, this time gripping the staff with both hands and slamming it into her chest. She stumbled backwards and tripped over the prone form of the large muscled troll, though this time she at least managed not to lose the chainsaw.

“No, we just have to w8 them out!” cried Vriska, a note of triumph in her voice. “Look! They’re already getting red a8out the gills!!!!!!!!”

From the sand, Kanaya looked up and saw with relief that Vriska was right. The glubbites, who spent most of their time deep beneath the waves, were unlike her friends in no way dressed to protect them from the sunlight, and their skin was already beginning to develop ugly red splotches. Their grips on their weapons were getting looser, as if they were in pain simply from pressing their skin against the poles of their spears and tridents. Kanaya rose to her knees, holding her chainsaw defensively above the muscled troll’s body in case her attackers’ decided that he was a higher priority target than she was.

Around her, the battle continued. Vriska had apparently run out of knives, and was now allowing herself to be chased across the sands, watching carefully the state of the sea troll’s reddening skin and increasingly flagging steps. Terezi and Karkat had similarly broken free from their circle, leaving one glubbite bleeding a strange purple blood into the welcoming waters, and were climbing back up towards the dock as the sea trolls pursued them ever more slowly. At last the attackers turned as one and fled back to the safety of the waters, abandoning their weapons and stopping only to collect their fallen companion. Kanaya breathed a heavy sigh of relief and lay back on the warm sand, allowing her chainsaw to become lipstick once more.

“1S 3V3RYON3 OK4Y” asked Terezi. She was still bleeding slightly but appeared not to be in any pain, and Karkat looked to be only out of breath. “I’m fine,” said Vriska, “just collecting those st8pid knives. How’s our surprise visitor?”

“Still Alive And Awake” said Kanaya after a moment’s inspection, “But Sunburnt Far Worse Than The Glubbites Were” She stared, worried, at his bright red shoulders and arms. “Vriska Can You Spare Your Cloak To Cover Him Until We Can Get Him Medical Attention”

“I’ll do one 8etter than that,” said Vriska. Her knives had apparently returned to the form of dice, and as she rolled them, they transformed as one into a bright blue stretcher with a large canvas cover. Together, the four of them were able to lift the bleeding troll and place him in the stretcher, which, they discovered, somehow felt lighter with the troll in it than the troll had without the stretcher.

“HANG IN THERE, FUCKASS,” said Karkat to their new charge as they lifted the stretcher upwards. “WE’RE GOING TO FIND YOU A DOCTOR SOMEHOW.”

“That sh001d not be your first priority,” answered the large troll. His voice was somewhat faint, presumably from blood loss and exhaustion, but there was a definite precision and strength underlying that faintness. “I need to locate Kanaya Maryam.”

Kanaya felt three pairs of eyes turn to stare at her in confusion. “I Am Kanaya Maryam” she said after a moment.

“E%cellent. In that case, you should take me to Richard Scra%.”

“Look,” said Vriska, “you’re doing gr8 with the whole mysterious stranger 8it, 8ut in case you haven’t noticed, you’re 8leeding pretty 8adly! And unless you think a high school 8iophobia teacher can treat your cuts 8etter than an actual doctor…”

“These wounds are of no concern,” said the troll. “I have achieved complete mastery over my body; while you carry me, I shall close my own punctures.”

As they watched, fascinated but somewhat horrified, the body in the stretcher began slowly to reshape itself, ruptured skin rippling and pouring across the scars and holes to join back together. Even his bright burn marks seemed to be darkening slowly into trolls’ ordinary gray color. “You see?” he asked, and snorted. “I will be stable in no time. Now take me to Richard Scra%.”

With that, he withdrew his attention from them and his body began to repair itself more rapidly. Vriska threw her hands up in the air dramatically. “Well, that’s just gr8! I bet none of us know wh8re he even lives!!!!!!!!”

“OH” said Terezi, “1 C4N G3T US TH3R3 1N TH3 BL1NK OF 4N 3Y3” Grinning, she shouldered one corner of the stretcher, and Kanaya followed suit, looking at her in confusion.

“How Do You Know Where To Find Him”

“R3M3MB3R HOW 1 S41D TH4T H3 CONT4CT3D M3 4BOUT H4V1NG TH4T ON3 M33T1NG 1N H1S OFF1C3” Kanaya thought back to their first conversation on Trollian and gave her assent. “4CTU4LLY 1 H4D FOLLOW3D H1M HOM3 FROM SCHOOL 4ND H1S 1NV1T4T1ON W4S HOW H3 D3C1D3D TO L3T M3 KNOW TH4T H3 KN3W 1 W4S TH3R3”

“WHOA WHOA WHOA, YOU WERE FUCKING STALKING THE ONLY ADULT WHO KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT WE’RE DOING?” asked Karkat. “WHAT THE HELL FOR?”

“W3LL 4S 1T TURNS OUT 1 DO SP3ND T1M3 1N STR4T3GY 4ND L34D3RSH1P DO1NG TH1NGS B3S1D3S L1CK1NG YOU 4ND ONC3 W3 W3R3 TOLD TO G4TH3R 4S MUCH 1NFORM4T1ON 4S POSS1BL3 ON 4NYON3 W3 D1DNT TRUST”

Vriska laughed and grabbed a third corner of the stretcher. “Ha! You're sharp as ever, Pyrope! What makes you distrust the old Scratch, though?”

“1 WORK FOR TH3 L4W VR1SK4 1 TRUST NOBODY BUT YOU THR33” Terezi stared her right in the eye for a moment before emitting her fabulous hyena laughter. “NOW COM3 ON L3TS G3T TH1S W31RDO WH3R3 H3 W4NTS TO GO 4ND M4YB3 TH3N W3 W1LL G3T SOM3 QU3ST1ONS 4NSW3R3D”

Karkat lifted the stretcher’s fourth corner, muttering darkly about crazy girls, and the four walked back into the city proper, ignoring puzzled stares from the few passersby awake at that hour of the morning. Terezi had all but stopped bleeding, and the cuts were small enough that no great part of her skin was unduly exposed to the sunlight.

From the large green communal hivebranch that Terezi led them to, it seemed that all – or at least a significant number – of the teachers and staff at Green Sun High lived together, presumably sponsored partially by the school. The doors leading into the various individual hives were all inscribed with names or titles, ranging from the familiar like ‘Snowman’ or ‘Disciplinarian’ to the unfamiliar like ‘Rosehip’ and ‘Paint.’ The hallways were filled with an eclectic assortment of busts, clocks, and other sundry items of furniture, of little clear relevance to teaching or even use. Kanaya supposed the living arrangements of grownups and aliens would all make more sense when she was older. Scratch’s hivespace was on the top floor of the hivebranch, opposite a large and colorfully ornate door with no inscription at all although there was a window inset in it that proved utterly opaque to her cursory glance.

Scratch came to the door shortly after they knocked, dressed as immaculately as ever. “Lord,” he said on seeing their burden, “it’s Equius Zahhak.” The large troll was nearly all healed, although still shut off in his state of intense concentration.

“WHO?” asked Karkat.

“The top Muscle Inspector of the Council. I… look, bring him inside; we’ll explain everything once he’s awake. Fortunately I happen to have five chairs already set up in my foyer. And please help yourselves to any candy you may desire.”

Terezi made straight for the candy bowl once they had gotten inside and set down the stretcher, whereas the other three sat down and looked around them. Scratch’s hivespace was as green as the rest of the building, apart from the white bowl of candy and a few other miscellaneous items such as a scale model of Alternia and its two moons hanging from the ceiling. It seemed oddly opulent for a teacher’s salary, but perhaps Scratch had brought much of the furniture with him from wherever he had lived before coming to teach at Bent. The chairs were high and ornately embroidered, except for the fifth, which was made entirely from tanned hoofbeast hide. Scratch excused himself to procure refreshments, and Terezi sat down in the fourth embroidered chair.

“TH1S PL4C3 SUR3 1S MONOCHROM4T1C” she said.

“YEAH, IT’S PRETTY FUCKING CREEPY TO KNOW THAT ALL OUR TEACHERS LIVE IN PLACES LIKE THIS,” said Karkat. “I MEAN, I KNOW THEY’RE ALL ALIENS, BUT COULDN’T THEY AT LEAST HAVE SOME NICE RESPECTABLE DARK GRAYS? THIS PLACE IS A FUCKING EYESORE.”

“Karkat He Will Hear You” said Kanaya. “Besides I Rather Like This Place A Touch Of Color Never Hurt Anybody”

“I DUNNO, THERE’S JUST SOMETHING A BIT OBSCENE ABOUT BRANDISHING ONE’S TASTES IN COLOR AROUND LIKE THIS. LIKE, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MODESTY?”

“We Are In His Own Hive You Know”

“YEAH, I GUESS. SO WHEN’S THIS ASSHOLE WAKING UP?” Karkat poked Equius dispiritedly, and with a jolt, the larger troll sat up and looked around through his much-cracked sunglasses. Moments later, Scratch reappeared carrying a full tray of drinks.

“Let’s see… four glasses of dew for the youngsters, and a reinforced pitcher of milk for the Inspector. How are you feeling, old fellow?”

“Better,” answered Equius, accepting the pitcher with great care and tilting it to his black lips. “I canteradicate all traces of the atta% from my personage, but I am much improved. These four are as resourceful a company as you are an e%cellent host.” He rose from the stretcher and knelt before Kanaya, much to her alarm. “And to you, Slayer, I e%tend my most profuse respect.”

“I Do Not Really Understand Who You Are Or How You Know My Name” said Kanaya. “But Thank You I Guess”

Equius turned to stare at Scratch. “Have you not told the Slayer of the Council?”

“Oh, you know, it hasn’t quite come up yet, actually,” said Scratch, although Kanaya thought he looked rather less comfortable than his words were probably intended to convey. “I’d be happy to, if you think it’d be a good idea.”

Equius rose to his feet and slammed the pitcher down onto an end table, where it promptly shattered. Scratch, who was several inches shorter than the apparent Muscle Inspector, flinched in response. “We of the Council e%ist in subservience to the Slayer! That you w001d withhold such crucial information from her… the udder indecency of it…”

“Excuse Me” said Kanaya, hoping to prevent any potential brawls, “I Still Do Not Know What You Are Talking About But It Does Rather Sound As If I Should”

“Yeah, I think we’d 8ll like to know what the 8ig guy here’s expatri8ing for!” said Vriska.

“Very well,” said Scratch, “as I said, I’d be happy to explain. Only do please sit down, Zahhak, that chair is all but made for you and I should feel far less excellent a host if you did not sit in it.” He waited until Equius had followed his instruction before continuing. “Kanaya, I have been somewhat less than open with you, and I apologize.

“Do you remember how I told you about the original Slayer, and that he was one of a group of four heroes called the Guardians?” Kanaya nodded. “Well, much as the role of Slayer has endured through the centuries, so too has the tradition of the Guardians been kept alive, through an organization that called itself the Council of Guardians. The Council’s stated mission is to aid the Slayer in his or her endeavors when necessary and otherwise to monitor the state and security of Alternia. I myself have a dual allegiance, first to Principal English and second to the Council, so I was very glad when you came to me about the Incipience.”

“About The What Now”

“The Incipience. Sorry. It’s what the Council’s been calling the return of the Sleeping Empress when I’ve spoken to them.”

“So Who All Is In This Council Exactly”

“No one you’d have heard of. It’s just a group of concerned citizens from across Alternia and surrounding orbits, people like myself who’ve read enough about the history of this planet to know that we should be afraid of certain things. I don’t even know who’s in charge of it; I only talk to other council members. Zahhak here is a sort of military reconnaissance man, he’s very good at standing in shadows and observing important goings on and reporting back to us about them, but if he ever gets caught he can take care of himself.”

“OKAY, BUT YOU’RE STILL AVOIDING THE QUESTION OF WHY YOU HAVEN’T SAID A WORD ABOUT THIS UNTIL NOW,” said Karkat. Scratch coughed modestly.

“I… please, Kanaya, forgive me a touch of hubris there. The Council is no longer the same as the first guardians I told you about, if it ever was. The members are not warriors, and have no aspirations to be, particularly since you are the first Slayer in such a long time. In truth, the dominant opinion of the Council is that you can probably take care of yourself and that their job has progressed beyond you and is now more political in nature. I chose to take a more active role in aiding you, and so saw no reason to mention the Council at all given their self-proclaimed irrelevance.”

“E%actly!” Equius was on his feet again, though this time to clap Scratch on the back rather than to threaten him, an action which nearly knocked Scratch to the floor despite its comradely intent. “The Council has grown 100dicrously impotent and fails to acknowledge its true duty of serving the Slayer in any available manner. Ms. Maryam, we e%ist as your humblest servants.”

“Please Call Me Kanaya It Is Kind Of Uncomfortable Being Addressed That Way” said Kanaya. “So Ur Why Have You Come Here Too”

“But… but you are the Slayer!” Kanaya noticed with alarm that drops of sweat were beginning to form on Equius’ forehead as he spoke. “I cannot entertain the impropriety of speaking so casually… to the savior of Alternia…”

“You’re sweating again, Zahhak,” said Scratch, and passed him a towel from a nearby hook. He was obviously much more relaxed while serving as host than he had been while explaining himself earlier. “Dry yourself off and we can figure out forms of address after you tell us why you’re here, which I am interested in finding out about too, come to think of it.”

Equius flushed as he took the towel and began patting awkwardly at his forehead. “Yes… I do apologize for my disgraceful behavior. An old childhood affli%ion, never quite cured… please forgive me.” He returned the significantly moistened towel to Scratch, who disposed of it discreetly. “In fact, I have quit the Council. It was my recommendation that they dispa% someone to train you in combat, but they refused, even after I had offered to saddle myself with the job. I abjured this foalishness and came here directly, though they warned I should be e%pelled if I did.” He looked around the room. “I would be honored to e%tend my services to your companions as well.”

“That’s very impressive, Zahhak!” said Scratch. “I know how deadly loyal you’ve always been, and for you to disagree with your superiors like that must have taken some incredible conviction.”

Equius smiled thinly. “My loyalty is to the Slayer, and to the Council only inasmuch as they are a means towards loyalty to the Slayer, although at the time… at the thought of open rebellion… I did, rather… perspire. But enough. Slayer, will you a%ept my help in ending the rein of the Sleeping Empress?”

For a moment, Kanaya wanted to say the offer was unnecessary and her natural destiny-given Slayer powers would be enough to see her through future battles, but then she thought of the near-rout against the Glubbites and the earlier disastrous encounter with the undead Pounce de Leon. The challenges were getting more difficult and they were falling behind. She looked around at the rest of the Rainbow Rumpus Party for signs of overt opposition but saw none, and so smiled weakly at the former Muscle Inspector. “We Would Be Honored By Any Training You Could Give Us” she said, “Although I Really Do Wish You Could Just Call Me Kanaya”

Equius launched immediately into another series of apologies and oaths of fealty, but Scratch interrupted him. “Kanaya, I truly am sorry if you feel I should have mentioned the existence of the Council sooner. I hope you will allow me as well as Zahhak to continue to aid you in any way I – we – can? I promise to explain everything about the Council to your lusus; she may even find it reassuring.”

“It Is A Strange Thought That I Came To You Because You Knew The Most About Horrorterrors And Things And You Just Happened To Be A Member Of This Secret Club That Is Theoretically Devoted To Me” said Kanaya, “But I Guess That Sort Of Thing Is Just What Being The Slayer Is All About” She sighed. “We Can Talk About This More Later After You Have Found A Place In Bent For Equius To Stay But In The Meantime I Guess I Am Not Completely Furious At You”

“Yes, of course!” said Scratch. “Zahhak, I should be able to arrange you an apartment in this building if Principal English allows it, and if not, I promise to devote myself to finding you one elsewhere. Are there any special facilities that you’ll be needing?”

“A suitable space for a training ground,” answered Equius. “Scra%, you are infinitely superior to the 100natics back in Prospit. I beg only that you not mention my presence here to them, lest they seek to again harness my e%quisite strength for their ridic001ous subterfuges.”

“Don’t sweat it,” said Scratch, and turned to the younger trolls. “Ah, speaking with the Principal will probably be easier without you four around, and I’m sure you have more patrolling to do… if you’ll excuse us, I’d be happy to explain more about the Council and hear about your adventures later, but my first priority needs to be getting Zahhak oriented in the city.”

“Of Course” said Kanaya, “We Will Have More To Say About This Later”

Before the four had gotten far away from Scratch’s hivespace – ‘apartment?’ – the ground shook as Equius galloped down the corridor after them. “Whoa!” he said, “I have yet to e%plain to you the reason I came here to offer up my training. I have learned that a former lover of mine – a sometime matesprit, sometime kismesis – is on her way here even now.”

“So what’s the 8ig deal?” asked Vriska. “We’ve 8een 8attling hordes of the undead – what the 8other about one little live troll?”

Equius frowned. “You do not filly understand. Aradia Megido was killed – I know not how – but has returned from death by the strength of her own magi%. She can control the dead themselves, and has amassed a turma of them. Without my aid, I worry you shall not survive this coming ordeal.”

 

Karkat did not join the other three in training with Equius. Reluctantly, he admitted that he was not cut out for combat and would only endanger himself and others if he kept trying. The schedulifier at Green Sun High had sorted him into Strategy and Leadership, he said, and he thought he could best help Kanaya by making battle plans, not by flailing uselessly on the front lines with sickles he barely even knew how to control. Kanaya and Terezi insisted he was being too hard on himself, but he remained adamant, and so it was only the girls of the Rainbow Rumpus Party who confronted Equius in the makeshift training ground – converted from a sports field outside of Green Sun High while school was not in session -- over the next few afterblinds. In their first session, Equius looked scornfully at Kanaya’s lipstick, Terezi’s canechucks, and Vriska’s dice and advised them to put such useless tools away.

“But We Fight With These” said Kanaya, helplessly.

“And what will you do when your enemy disarms you, or atta% you unawares? You cannot joust rely on makeshift munitions to protect you in the field of battle, and so I shall instruct you in the greatest weapon of them all.”

Without further ado, the enormous troll flexed a muscle in his right shoulder and a huge, powerful bow appeared in his hands. Equius squeezed slightly, and the bow splintered into a dozen pieces, which he tossed disdainfully to one side.

“Should further demonstrations titillate you,” he said, “I can deploy and destroy numerous other items from my fle% modus. All tools can be broken. All weapons may be destroyed. To tr001y defeat another, you must first master yourselves, and train to fight with your bodies alone. Shall we begin?”

They began. More specifically, they began on average about five times a night, counting all the necessary breaks. Equius, they soon discovered, was a strict taskmaster, and did not let the girls rest until at least five reps after they had declared themselves exhausted in any given activity. After producing a wide variety of weights with flexes of his different muscles, he carefully determined precisely how much they each could take in a variety of exercises, explaining that “to shoulder the incorrect weight in steed of the correct one is to 100bricate your body with lamp oil before e%ercising over an open flame. Any deviation from what is proper c001d result in your demise.” Terezi and Kanaya exchanged dubious looks behind Equius’s back as he turned around to reprimand Vriska for pretending her weight was a sword instead of a vital ingredient in the attainment of true physical mastery.

Vriska threw herself into every new drill with an enthusiasm that far outpaced her stamina, yet she learned quickly, which Equius did not fail to complement her for. Terezi was much less excited, but lifted resolutely each weight given to her with grim determination and held up several minutes longer than either of the other two. She put aside all of her cackling banter for the purposes of the training sessions and focused entirely on the exercises, though once they had left the training ground each day she and Vriska would launch into an laughing enumeration of Equius’s sometimes alarming peculiarities, although Terezi at least expressed respect for his skill and dedication. Kanaya, for her part, had built up her arm muscles a little by wielding her chainsaw, but was otherwise rather out of shape, and noticed with a combination of relief and alarm that part of Equius’s devotion to her as Slayer involved paying nearly twice as much attention to her as to the other two. He stared at her with an intensity bordering on the fetishistic and was ready to correct her the moment her arms or legs were an inch away from the correct form. At the end of the day, she always felt thoroughly exhausted but also somewhat disturbed.

Towards the end of their second session, Equius introduced them to basic physical combat, explaining that while they all had perigees of work ahead of them in the exercises, it was crucial to begin learning fighting skills as soon as possible, given their active engagement with the forces of darkness. He refused to attack any of them, lest he misjudge his overwhelming strength for an instant and cause serious damage, but he was “e%tatic” to block their blows, moving faster than Kanaya would have thought possible for a troll of his size and keeping up a running commentary the whole time of everything they were doing right or wrong. Terezi was the first to land a hit on him, infusing Vriska with a competitive fire that led to her waling ineffectively at him with greater and greater desperation for eight minutes before collapsing in a fury outweighed by her inability to keep going.

Kanaya, as Equius informed her repeatedly, was entirely too cautious, since there was no danger of her doing him any injury and anyone else she would be fighting would be an appropriate target for doing as much damage as possible. Pretending their trainer was a rainbow drinker helped a little, but she found it difficult to keep trying when she saw just how effortlessly he blocked every hit and kick she aimed at him.

Karkat listened dutifully to tales of their training when he rejoined them each morning for patrol, citing his need to know what skills he should be taking into account in his strategizing, but it was obvious he cared even less for Equius than he did for Vriska, with whom he began having frequent arguments over her use of the fluorite octet. “YOU SAW HOW USELESS THOSE STUPID LITTLE KNIVES OF YOURS WERE,” he shouted one day, “YOU CAN’T JUST ROLL YOUR DICE AND DECIDE THAT WHATEVER YOU COME UP WITH IS GOING TO BE YOUR WEAPON ALL DAY! SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO FUCKING REROLL AND GET SOMETHING THAT’LL ACTUALLY BE OF SOME FUCKING USE.”

“Oh, Kark8t,” said Vriska, “you don’t understand! The luck of the dice is where all the fuuuuuuuun comes from! I 8et you’d make the worst gam8lignant ever!”

“THE LUCK OF YOUR SHITTY DICE IS ALL VERY WELL WHEN YOU’RE JUST RISKING YOUR OWN LIFE,” he said, “BUT YOU’RE GAMBLING WITH THE LIVES OF MY MOIRAIL AND MATESPRIT HERE, AND IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE FOR YOU TO SHOW UP SOME DAY WITH SOME SECONDHAND GODDAMN BOBBY PIN JUST BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT YOUR DICE DECIDED TO GIVE YOU! THERE’S NO 8 IN TEAM, VRISKA!”

Their arguments generally continued in this fashion, with Karkat raging spiritedly about the importance of teamwork and Vriska gleefully baiting him, until Kanaya and Terezi were forced to separate them. Kanaya did however feel that Karkat had a point in the matter, and at last put her foot down the day Vriska turned up armed with a crossbow she enthusiastically admitted to having no idea how to use. Vriska stared at her for a moment in confusion before reluctantly rerolling the dice to produce a shimmering blue flamethrower. Kanaya worried silently that her matesprit could really sometimes use a moirail of her own to keep her a little more in check; Terezi might have been ideal, given how close the two girls were, but they served more to enable than to moderate one another when they were together, so that didn’t help at all.

Karkat’s basic plan was for Vriska and Kanaya to function as the initial attack force when confronting hostiles. Terezi, with her sharp eyes and quick wit, would remain in reserve at first, scanning the battle for unseen assailants and getting a better sense of their opponents’ styles and strategies than either Vriska or Kanaya could while in the heat of battle, and then venture in wherever she thought she would be needed most. Karkat would similarly remain at the sidelines monitoring the course of the battle and calling out instructions or warnings when necessary, but ready to defend himself should any of their opponents turn to him. Rohino, ever the model of pride in his charge, had gone shopping and procured Karkat a new pair of sickles, which he wielded about as well as his old pair.

The plan worked well enough those first few days after Equius’s arrival, although on the other hand they faced no great threats during that time and Terezi rarely even needed to get involved all. None of them minded, since they were all but Karkat tired and sore from the training in the darker hours and thus welcomed less intense battles and an excuse for briefer patrols before heading to their hives for well-earned sleep. The cultish rainbow drinkers that had been killing lusi from the Harley Tomb made no further appearances, and nor did the glubbites, although Kanaya and the rest continued to visit the docks on their patrols to check for signs of anything amiss.

Ardra was more supportive of Kanaya than ever, and made sure always to have a meal waiting for her no matter what odd hour of the day she returned at. Scratch wasted no time in fulfilling his promise of coming by to explain to her about the Council of Guardians, and Ardra was justifiably proud to note that there had been more going on than he had first told her, just as she had suspected. He made several more visits as well that seemed to be nothing more than house calls, or at least Ardra gave no specifics of their conversations when Kanaya questioned her about them. Karkat, who had finally started showing up on Trollian again, suggested bluntly that she not worry about it too much because lusi never made any sense at all to begin with and Scratch was a duplicitous bastard and unlikely to be much of a help in that regard, at which Kanaya laughed gently and typed that he was letting Terezi’s paranoia get to him.

At last came the night of Kanaya’s ‘date’ with Vriska. After much cajoling, they had gotten Equius to agree to give them the weekends off from training while school was out, so that they could occasionally have at least semblances of normal lives, and thus Kanaya was able to spend the hours prior to their rendezvous preparing herself rather than getting drenched in sweat. With all the patrolling, she had not really had many chances to wear any of her new outfits outside of the hive, and so donned the black and green striped dress with the purple sash, applying a generous helping of green lipstick to herself to match the dress. She idly wondered if the chainsaw function would stop working and she would have to find a new weapon source once the tube ran out, but it seemed still to have plenty of lipstick left for the time being.

“Kanaaaaaaaaya!” The joyful cry, coupled with the slightest touch of impatience, came through her window, and she rushed over to look outside. Below in the darkness she could make out Vriska, long hair flowing down past her shoulders, in the same long white dress she had worn the time she had watched Kanaya from beside her respiteblock in the Dark Carnival. Her regular eyepatch had been replaced with a white one that matched her dress, and Kanaya could just make out a dazzling blue shoe with four separate heels beneath the dress where Vriska was tapping her foot. “I Am Coming” she called back, and headed downstairs, working to regain her composure on the way down.

As Kanaya exited the front door of her hive, Vriska grabbed her arm and pulled her forward. “Come on, I got us a carriage!” she said, pointing forward into the darkness, and Kanaya peered ahead. There was indeed a large, eight-wheeled carriage parked nearby, its door open and welcoming. Trolls did not employ other animals such as hoofbeasts to pull their carriages, since other animals tended to be either too small for the task or too majestic to subject to such base menial labor, even among the subset of domesticatable beasts. Instead some stronger convicts were pulled from the culling lists expressly for the purpose and dosed with regular quantities of sopor slime, applied intravenously, to keep them properly docile. Four strapping trolls stood ready at the carriage, their eyes glazed, hands on the long rods used to pull the vehicle forwards.

“Kanaya, this is my landlord, Gamzee Makara,” said Vriska, pointing out the driver. Gamzee was a sinewy troll with wild hair and a sullen face, and he held his prodder, which discharged a short blast of blue heat into disorderly carriage pullers, aloft and at the ready. “He actually offered to drive us for free 8ecause he has a ‘passion for punishment of the unruly’ or something, so he likes carriage driving! Gamzee, this is my m8sprit, Kanaya Maryam.”

“motherfucking pleasure,” said Gamzee, not taking his eyes away from the carriage pullers. Kanaya recalled repeated descriptions of Vriska’s landlord as something of a creep and returned the sentiment nervously.

“Come on, let’s get inside!” said Vriska. She hopped into the carriage, and Kanaya followed her, a little more carefully. The inside was not lit, but Kanaya could make out basic upholstered couches on either side, and she sat down beside her matesprit. “Gamzee knows where to take us,” Vriska continued, “I’ve made us a reserv8ion at this one restaurant in 8ent, you’ll love it. You look gr8, 8y the way! Ooh, I can’t 8elieve this is really h8ppening! You know, I’ve never actually 8een on a d8 8efore, 8ut I’ve set up everything perfectly and we’re sure you’ll love it!”

“Who Is This We” asked Kanaya, with some amusement at Vriska’s boundless excitement.

“Oh, well, like I said, I didn’t really understand how this all works, so I asked Terezi for recommend8ions! And then Terezi apparently asked Karkat, 8ecause she’s a 8it more freeform, you know, and he watched some romantic movies that I guess your purrbeast friend left him, and so now I know how everything is supposed to happen!”

“That Is Really Rather Sweet Of All Of You” said Kanaya, “But I Hope You Do Not Have The Whole Night So Scripted We Shall Barely Have Time To Talk”

“Wh8t? No, of course not! It’s just dinner, though of course aaaaaaaanything you want to do afterwards is okay 8y me!” Vriska blinked at her, although Kanaya supposed it might have been a wink instead had she had two eyes instead of one. She gulped, not sure if she knew what Vriska was referring to and not sure either that she was ready for it in case she did.

“Are You Getting Along At All Better With Karkat Then As A Consequence Of His Help” she asked instead, changing the subject.

“Him? Oh, uh, not really. Sorry. Really we just irrit8 and aggrav8 each other a lot.”

This was certainly true. “Why Do You Suppose That Is”

“I dunno! It’s like everything he says is just one 8ig 8luff and he’s keeping his real self hidden deep inside. You can’t trust the secretive ones, Kanaya.”

“I Think I See” said Kanaya, “And You Get Along With Me And Terezi Because We Are More Forthcoming In That Respect”

“Yeah! 8ut look, Kanaya, I don’t want to accuse him of anything, okay? I know he’s your moirail and that’s a gr8 recommend8ion, and I don’t 8elieve he has any socks in his war chest, I just don’t enjoy talking with that kind of troll.”

“I Had Not Intended To Accuse You Of Any Such Belief Although I Do Confess To Some Curiosity As To The Reasons For Your Preference”

“Well, it’s a sign of sh8me or guilt! Ask old legalhorns! If you’re always lying to everyone, it’s 8ecause you think you…” She trailed off, obviously looking for the right words. “Honestly, I think he reminds me too much of myself.”

“Of Yourself” Kanaya looked at Vriska, puzzled. “Yet I Have Always Thought You Seemed Rather To Enjoy Being You So Why Would That Be A Bad Thing”

“I try,” said Vriska, “8ut there are some things in my life I’m not too proud of. Pro8a8ly all the things, actually.” She took a breath. “Sometimes I think that a8out the only thing I’m really good at is inspiring pity, you know?”

“I Am Not Positive I Understand”

Vriska stared out the carriage window for several seconds. “Okay, so you wanted to know why Karkat reminds me of myself, right? Here’s the deal. We’re 8oth c8mpletely terrified. Oh, not of those stupid rainbow drinkers or anything – maybe he is, for all I know, 8ut honestly they’re total pushovers – 8ut we’re terrified of ourselves, and of messing up everything we have going for us.”

Kanaya nodded slowly. “And He Puts On His Anger So That We Think He Does Not Care Even Though Sometimes It Is That Very Anger That Threatens The Relationships He Has

“I Try To Help Him Of Course As His Moirail But His Worries Are Nested Deep And I Am Afraid There Is Only So Much I Can Do For Him

“What About You Though”

“Me? Oh, I do the same, only without the anger. You know, Terezi is the 8est friend I’ve ever had, and sometimes I tell myself I don’t deserve her, 8ut of course I can’t say that to her! Completely terrified, remem8er? Terrified of ruining what I have, 8ut terrified of testing it to see what will or won’t ruin it.”

“How About Me Then”

Vriska smiled weakly. “Honestly, Kanaya, mostly I’m just terrified of you.”

That didn’t sound good at all, but Kanaya endeavored to find an interpretation for Vriska’s words as not being about the state of their relationship. “What Because I Am The Slayer Or Something”

“Pssssssssh, no, none of that n8nsense! I just… look, I don’t even know who I tr8ly am, all right? And if I don’t know, then I’ll 8et you sure don’t. And I’m terrified that one day we’ll find out, and… and you won’t like what you see. And then I don’t know what you will do, and I sure as 8lazes don’t know what I will.”

“Vriska You Are Talking Nonsense” said Kanaya, a little too firmly. “You Are My Matesprit And This Notion That I Would Feel Anything But Pity At Anything You Could Tell Me Is Frankly Ludicrous”

“You promise?” Vriska stared at her, and Kanaya could see dark blue tears beginning to form in her eyes.

“Of Course I Promise” said Kanaya, taking her matesprit in her arms and rocking her slowly back and forth. “Vriska You Have Been So Good To Me And I Would Be Honored To Do Anything I Can To Help You Get Over Whatever You Think Is So Horrible About Your Past If You Can Just Trust Me Enough To Tell Me About It”

“I want to!” said Vriska, her cool tears beginning to splash onto Kanaya’s skin. “Please 8elieve me, Kanaya, there’s n8thing I want more. It’s just… just… can I just lie for now? Lie here, I mean? Until we get to the restaurant?”

“If That Is What You Want” said Kanaya, tightening her grip. “Will You Tell Me When We Get There”

“I will, I will,” said Vriska, “8ut I need this right now. I… Kanaya, I’m sorry… I wish things were different…”

“Shhh” said Kanaya, “Only Rest Now”

 

They remained that way for the rest of the trip, Kanaya seated upright on the couch with Vriska curled up in her arms. Vriska continued to whisper nonspecific apologies, but they eventually dried up along with her tears. Kanaya was almost beginning to fall asleep when the carriage came to a halt and Gamzee shouted from the front of the carriage, “HERE WE ARE AT THE CUTLASS AND TRIDENT.”

Once more full of energy, Vriska clambered out of Kanaya’s lap and leapt gaily from the carriage. Kanaya followed her, descending more carefully out of respect for her decency in her dress, and looked around. They were in a very nice part of Bent, and the restaurant in front of them appeared even nicer than its surroundings. Before she could say anything, Vriska had turned around to speak to Gamzee.

“I only rented this carriage for a one way trip, so we’ll find our own way 8ack,” she said. “Can you return it to the shop?”

“no motherfucking problem,” said Gamzee, a nasty grin on his face, and leant forward to hit the nearest carriage puller with his prodder. There was a flash of light, and the carriage rolled away, the sopor-infused former convicts running as fast as their legs would carry them. Kanaya looked after them for a moment and then returned her attention to the restaurant. Vriska opened the door for her and she gratefully stepped inside.

The Cutlass and Trident was huge, and appeared to be lit entirely by the candles sitting on every table. The patrons of the restaurant looked all to be several sweeps older than them, and were wearing fine suits and dresses and talking very politely with one another. There was a distinct ocean theme to the building, with steering wheels, oars, nets, and other artifacts of shipping affixed to its wooden walls.

“Vriska This All Looks Incredibly Expensive” said Kanaya, gesturing at the other trolls in the restaurant. “How Are You Affording All Of This”

“Well, it turns out that sometimes trolls just get 8uried with their 8eetles still on them! So I’ve been taking those rainbow drinkers I captchalogue, and 8efore feeding them to my stupid l8sus, I check to see what they’ve got on them. The proceeds really 8elong to all of us jointly, so what 8etter use than to spend some of it on us together????????” Before Kanaya could think of an adequate response, a young green-blooded waiter with decorative epaulets and a horn net had approached, and Vriska had informed him that they were Serket, party of two.

The waiter led them to a round table in the center of the restaurant. Kanaya sat down, allowing Vriska to hold her chair for her, and glanced at the menu. Looted from reslain rainbow drinkers or not, Vriska was spending quite a lot on her, and she would have to be the best date companion she could possibly be. She pondered her success thus far. Now that she thought about it, she had no idea what they might have talked about in the carriage, if indeed they had spoken at all. Perhaps they had just lain there with each other the whole time? Well, she would definitely have to be a better conversationalist than that in order to deserve her matesprit’s pity and kindness.

“So Ur” she said after a moment’s thought, “This Place Is Very Nautically Oriented And You Spoke Recently Of Wanting Your Own Boat Do You Aspire To Be A Glubbite Or Something”

Vriska giggled. “Ahaha, no, nothing like that! Can you imagine me running around in a 8athing suit all day?” Kanaya tried, and blushed. “I’ve told you about my ancestor, right?”

“I Do Not Think You Have Actually”

“Huh!” said Vriska, and Kanaya, deciding she was probably going to continue for a while, began idly looking through the menu while she talked. “She was pretty amazing, actually! Her name was Spinneret Mindfang, and she was the gr8est gam8lignant adventuress Alternia has ever known! Her name isn't legend only 8ecause she annhil8ed any8ody who could have written history 8ooks a8out her!

“8asically, she amassed this huge collection of pir8 ships and totally ruled the seas, no matter what stupid animals or authorities tried to stop her. Like this one time a legislacer8or was sent to termin8 her, only she got the cr8wd at the trial to kill the legislacer8or instead, 8y using her natural wiles! Soooooooo cool!

“Like, if you wanted to go anywhere 8y sea in those days, and she lived for a super long time too, you’d 8etter have 8een ready for her! She was pro8a8ly the most powerful troll on Alternia, and no one else was nearly good enough to 8e her kismesis or even just a rival.

“I know a8out her 8ecause I found one of her diaries along with her old dice in a chest one day. It's super-detailed a8out the pir8 life, 8ut it ends with her explaining that she has entered into the world of red romance, and the diary cannot accompany her on this next adventure. So I have no idea what ended up 8ecoming of her, 8ut I 8et she made the 8est moirail or m8sprit ever!”

Kanaya was more than a little taken aback by this enthusiastic narration, particularly since Vriska seemed almost to be venerating the more murderous aspects of her ancestor’s life. But there was something else that bothered her. “Do You Perchance Recall The Title Of Your Ancestor” she asked.

“Yeah, she was the Marquise! Well, Marquise Mindfang, I guess, 8ut everyone was always too afraid of her to use her real name. Man, I can't wait to get a title of my own, even if they're all down to six measly letters these days. Hey, you've got your own already! Slayer Maryam, and... Shipm8 Serket, riding the waves of romance and adventure! Or Crewm8 Serket, or Sou--”

Kanaya chose to cut her off before she got too much farther into this idea. “Vriska I Am Afraid I Actually Know What Became Of Your Ancestor The Marquise”

Vriska stared at her in complete confusion. “What????????” she asked after several seconds. “How????????”

Delicately, Kanaya explained once more the basic events of _The Pity of Champion Parthena_ : how the Champion and the Summoner, the two trolls in whom the Marquise had at last found red romance after apparently a very long lifespan, had worked together to kill her. She explained that she didn’t know quite where the book had come from but had always assumed it to have been left by the carpenter droids along with the rest of their library, and Ardra had assured her that its contents were the complete truth. Vriska took a while to reply, but at last she scoffed and gave a contemptuous wave of her hand. “Well, 8ig flarping deal. She had a gr8 life, and I 8et she got to enjoy some awesome sloppy makeouts 8efore she died! 8esides, what do I need to worry about? Who’s this Champion chick, anyhow?”

“Champion Parthena Was My Ancestor” said Kanaya quietly, and for a moment thought that Vriska looked the most terrified she had ever seen her. “But Vriska Surely There Is No Cause For Alarm Is Not The Very Point Of Learning About Our Ancestors So That We Do Not Make The Same Mistakes That They Did”

“That’s part of it,” said Vriska, seemingly half to herself. “Eschew or emul8, eschew or emul8.”

“I Am Sorry I Brought It Up” said Kanaya, putting a hand on Vriska’s own. “I Admit I Was Proud Of My Ancestor For Her Great Heroics But I Never Considered The Marquise And How She Must Have Felt About It All”

“No, I guess not. Uh, how long have you known about that?”

“Since The Day You Came To Meet My Lusus Although I Did Not Learn That The Marquise Was Your Ancestor Until Just Now”

“…well,” said Vriska finally, “who cares a8out all that depressing stuff anyhow? Let’s talk about something else while we w8 for that lazy w8er to get 8ack to us! What do you make of this Council of Guardians nonsense? Equius has 8een keeping us so 8usy I pretty much forgot to ask.”

“I Am Not Totally Sure” answered Kanaya, “But I Think We Need To Work At Staying Better In Touch With Scratch From Now On He Is Our Main Source Of Information About The Rainbow Drinkers And So On And Thus Far He Has Probably Spoken More With My Lusus About It Than With Us”

“W8, your lusus? What’s old Scratch want with a virgin mother gru8?”

“Perhaps They Are Just Becoming Friends”

“Perhaps! Or perhaps they’re in cahoots with one another!”

“Cahoots About What”

“I don’t know, just cahoots!!!!!!!! Hey, I know! I 8et if I used that Cloak of Void, I could spy on him 8etter than Terezi did, and then we’d get some real answers.”

“I Do Not Think We Really Have Any Suspicions That Merit Such Espionage” said Kanaya carefully. “Maybe He Just Is Not All That Good At Talking To People Our Age Or Is Uncomfortable Advising The Troll He Is Meant To Venerate Or Something”

“Yeah, could 8e,” said Vriska. “I guess not all old guys really get off on talking to little girls all day, or to Karkat either. Okay, come on, where the hell is our stupid w8er????????”

Kanaya looked around the restaurant, at first curiously and then with a growing sense of alarm. The other patrons appeared to have completely disappeared, although in many cases their food was still there. The restaurant staff was milling around the room, lighting candles on some tables and dousing them on others, though there was something peculiar about them…

“Didn’t our w8er have a whole naval uniform thing going on?” asked Vriska. “These guys are dressed in some sort of purple cloaks.”

Something was very wrong. Kanaya rose slowly to her feet, watching the cloaked figures shuffling about and changing the pattern of the candles. The small beacons of fire seemed to be organized in three lines running through the restaurant, two curved and one straight, with her and Vriska directly in the middle of the pattern. And worse, the symbol made by the three lines was one she recognized.

“Vriska This Is A Trap” she said, speaking quietly in case the trolls in the cloaks could hear her. “We Have To Get Out Of Here”

“What is it?” asked Vriska. She rose to her feet as well, producing as she did so the fluorite octet in one steady hand. “How can you tell?”

“The Pattern Of The Candles” said Kanaya, “I Think It Is The Sign Of The Sleeping Empress”

The next moment, her senses clamored in pain as the air above them ripped open into a completely black void that Kanaya had beheld twice before: the first time when she summoned Feferi Peixes to begin with, and the second when she fell asleep with Karkat and Nepeta without the protection of her recuperacoon. Although, wasn’t she forgetting something…? A horrible ringing assaulted her ears, and she and Vriska were knocked off their feet by a shockwave that was not totally physical in nature. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the fluorite octet go flying away as Vriska fell. The candles were still burning, more intensely than before, but every bit of glass in the building had shattered and the cloaked trolls were lying prostrate on the floor all around them. Kanaya’s decaptchalogueing and transformation of her lipstick were by then almost second nature as she waited to see what would happen next.

She did not have long to wait. The horrible ringing in Kanaya’s ears was replaced with a wailing keen, and the black from the rift began to spill forth into the real world. The keen grew louder, the rift closed, and the black shifted in midair to take on a perceptible form. It was now an umbral amalgam of beasts of prey, with a powerful beak filled with shining teeth and numerous long tentacles capped with huge sharp claws. Kanaya made the mistake of looking into its burning red eyes, and once again found herself falling, although unlike at the recuperover there were no further horrorterrors for her to fall into once she had fallen into the first.

Instead her fall was arrested by another of the twisting bubblelike spheres. Her body merged with the surface of the bubble, leaving her able to see inside but not to escape or interact with its contents or otherwise to move. There within the bubble stood a tall, pure white castle atop a sun-drenched hillside, the walls and turrets of the castle bedecked with sails and flags of every color of the hemospectrum. Somehow it looked familiar, although Kanaya could not quite think why. The view descended rapidly towards the ground and sped into the castle beneath the portcullis, which Kanaya noticed in a moment of alarm was shaped like the fangs she had seen in the mouths of the rainbow drinkers.

At once Kanaya realized why the castle looked so familiar. When she was four, Ardra had introduced her to young-imago fiction through the Demoness Dawnbeam series, which detailed the romantic adventures of Dawnbeam, a rainbow drinker who somehow in undeath became incredibly attractive to every troll she met. In an ordinary book of the series, Dawnbeam would meet a new parpitié or parhaine, endure the figurative pains of their alivist prejudice, fight some bad guys, teach them a valuable lesson about tolerance and how hot Dawnbeam was, and finally tire of their constant company and add them instead to her growing harem. It was formulaic, but the young Kanaya had been fascinated by the idea of exerting such powers of attraction over other trolls and had spent long hours daydreaming about the romantic world of rainbow drinkers and designing an elaborate castle for herself should she ever join – or come to lead – the legions of the sexy undead. She had not thought about these dreams in many perigees, particularly not since discovering how contrary to this romantic ideal rainbow drinkers really were. Although, Scratch had described those special rainbow drinkers, called Cullens, which maintained control of themselves even after their deaths…

With that thought, Kanaya was no longer lost in the surface of the bubble, but strode through the castle herself, past beautiful paintings, finely cut foliage, and maidservants in outfits that would have made her blush when she was six solar sweeps old. She was older now, and her body illuminated the walls as she passed by them; no longer was she Slayer, but rather Dynast Maryam, tyranness of the Sun Kingdoms and greatest of the pale folk, second in power only to the Woken Empress. Her radiant white skin was contrasted by dramatic dark lines of shimmering lipstick and eyeshadow, and she wore a billowy, unnaturally colored sleeveless dress with buttons running down the bodice area and her sign printed dramatically across the front of her waist. She wore no crown, for any troll with any sense would know who she was without needing to see so petty a garment. The outfit was completed with long, luxurious gloves, which wrinkled attractively as she flung open the double doors to her throne room, precisely where she had always designed it to be.

About the throne lounged her favorite concubines, Vriska, Terezi, and Nepeta, in outfits even more revealing than those of the maidservants. Their vestigial acid sacs were supported by no more than long strips of green cloth connected in the front by large brass rings. They emitted no glow of their own, for they had not yet pleased Kanaya enough to be taken with her into the next life.

“hail, dynast, hunter of all life!” cried Nepeta. She alone of the concubines had Kanaya graciously permitted to wear anything but the green two-piece, for the purrbeast girl could do things with her artificial tail that Kanaya had never been able to say no to.

“H41L DYN4ST” said Terezi, “WHO 3NFORC3D JUST1C3 WH3R3 TH3R3 W4S NON3”

Vriska, closest to the throne of them all, was silent. Kanaya regarded her coldly as she strode across the room to take her seat.

Minutes later, the door of the throne room swung open, and the manservant Scratch walked inside, shirtless and bloodied but maintaining the same calm demeanor as ever. He stopped a few feet from the door and did not advance farther until Kanaya acknowledged him with a generous sweep of her glove-encased right hand.

“My most gracious lady,” said Scratch, “the Woken Empress, Feferi Peixes, has come to visit you. She waits beneath with five of her closest followers.”

Kanaya smiled, her fangs shining dangerously in the light of her own face. “The sign of Peixes is ever welcome in my house, Scratch, as you know,” she said. For a moment her thoughts lingered on the stunted, over-enunciated voice she had once had, and thanked the kiss of undeath that had brought her such perfect diction among all its other gifts. “Bring her in, and see if you cannot find five or so of my prettiest servants to give to her entourage. After such a long journey here to see me, they must be… thirsty.”

“At once, madam,” said Scratch, and bowed low. “Will there be anything else?”

“Yes,” said the older Kanaya, “see to it that none of them sample any of your own blood, Scratch. That intoxicatingly alien liqueur is for my lips alone, or Pyrope’s if I am feeling generous.”

“Of course, madam,” said Scratch, and left.

“May I speak, Kanaya?” asked the scantily-clad Vriska from beside the throne.

“You may, Vriska,” said Kanaya, “but have a care. Continue to address me so improperly and I may see fit to add one more body to the meal of the Empress’s followers.”

“Oh, to h8ll with that!!!!!!!!” said Vriska. She rose angrily to her feet, and suddenly she was wearing a strangely familiar white dress instead of her concubine’s attire. “This is so fucked up! Look around you, Kanaya – this isn’t you, okay? You would never want to 8e anything like this!”

“Explain yourself, before you try my royal patience still farther.”

“You’re not some stupid Dynast or whatever, you’re the Slayer! You were hand-picked by f8 or destiny or the spirits of sl8yers past or something, and you use your power to defeat rainbow drinkers, not to command them! You’re sweet and honest and 8eautiful and you 8elieve in everyone no matter wh8t they may or may not have done in their lives. You’re a protectress, not a ruler!

“And you!” she rounded on Terezi. “I’m not sure if that’s really you, 8ut in case it is, you’re my sister, and you’re miles a8ove this kind of shit! Remem8er our days of hunting 8efore we met Kanaya? You were such an inspir8ion, always insisting that we kill only cruel and unjust people, no matter how hungry my stupid lusus was! This fucking dream scenario – ruling over everyone indiscrimin8ly, feeding servants to the undead for sp8rt – how can you appro88 this????????

“As for you…!” she turned to Nepeta and paused. “I think you’re supposed to 8e dead. Okay, never mind, sorry to hear it 8y the way. Anyhow!

“Come on, Kanaya, please? This is just some 8oring old dream world that that horrorterror thing put us in. We’re on a d8, remember? We’re m8sprits, and you’re the Slayer, and none of this is real and you wouldn’t want it to 8e real anyway!”

“I…” Kanaya paused, confused. Everything Vriska was saying made sense in a strange way. “You are naming things from the past,” she said finally, “but we are all older now. I _saved_ Nepeta! I gave my life to her lusus so that I could protect her as a rainbow drinker! Sweeps have gone by since then…”

“That’s not true!!!!!!!!” said Vriska, enraged. “None of these things are real! None of them! And even if your little revisionist history involves 8ringing purr8east girls 8ack from the dead, where’s Karkat? Where the hell is your moirail, Kanaya????????”

“Karkat… Karkat is dead,” said Kanaya, “long dead. He would not accept my joining of the pale folk and sought to ‘slay’ me with those ridiculous sickles of his. I disposed of him in a trice. It was easy.” She frowned. “No, that’s… That’s all Wrong… Vriska? What’s Going On?”

“O)(, don’t bot)(er!”

They all turned as Feferi Peixes entered the room. “This w)(ole castle is a big load of carp, just like s)(e says!” said Feferi, gaily. “I )(ardly even t)(oug)(t you would believe it for a finstant.”

Kanaya felt her proper memories flooding back into her, and saw Terezi and Nepeta vanish away. “You!” she heard Vriska say as she struggled to regain her senses. “You’re that lame Feferi girl, aren’t you? Put us 8ack in that restaurant right now!”

“Don’t go getting so :[XCIT:[D now,” said Feferi, “this )(as glubbing little to do wit)( you at all.” She approached Kanaya’s throne as the castle began falling apart around them, to be replaced with the now-familiar black dreamspace, separated from them only by the protective walls of the dream bubble. “)(ey Slayer! You’ve )(addock bit of fun here, right? Living the dream, beautiful rainbow drinking queen wit)( your own castle and a )(arem of devoted damselfis)(es?”

“I Have No Idea What You Mean” said Kanaya.

“Oh, lig)(ten up a bit, Killy McKillface! This is w)(at you secretly desire, right? I can give it to you, in the real world even! We don’t have to go on fig)(ting until one of my servants finly kills you.”

“Vriska Was Right” said Kanaya. “This Is Injustice And I Want No Part Of It Sorry As I Of Course Am To Disappoint You”

“Oh, glub!” Feferi looked genuinely cross. “W)(ale, I guess it’s time for plan B then. I knew I’d )(ave to use it eventu)(alibut I )(ad )(oped it would take a bit longer t)(an t)(is!”

“And What Is Plan B”

Feferi’s expression snapped back to complete glee in a moment. “Plan B is I kill you!” Inky black tendrils oozed up from the ground and ensnared Kanaya’s arms and legs before she could do anything in retaliation. A glance to the side revealed that Vriska was similarly trapped, though straining furiously against her bonds. “)(e)(e)(e! Oh, the look on your bass! Cod, being in power again is so amazing, you )(ave no glubbing idea. Any last words, Slayer?”

Kanaya stared resolutely at her enemy as best she could while completely panicked. She had no idea how to get out of this one. “You Still Will Not Get Away With This” she said, “There Are More Of Us And They Will Work Tirelessly To Stop You And Your Henchtrolls From Taking Over

“Even If You Destroy All Of Bent There Are Huge Armies Stationed Just Offplanet Which Will Stop Anything You Could Reasonably Hope To Do On A Larger Scale

“Professor Eridan Ampora Is Coming Too And He Will Find A Way To Desummon You Back To Where You Belong”

Feferi stood still and Kanaya felt the black tendrils loosen ever so slightly. “:[RIDAN!?” she asked. “After all t)(is time?” She leant closer to stare intently at Kanaya. “And you’re Kanaya, aren’t you? And Vriska? But not the real ones, s)(orely you’re much too young for that…”

“Too young for what?” asked Vriska. “Real? What the hell are you glu88ing on a8out?”

Feferi clapped her hands in delight and glubbed happily for several seconds. “You don’t know ANYTHING, do you?! Omigosh, and :[ridan too! T)(is is going to be so INT:[R:[STING, so :[XCITING… you know w)(at, I’m not going to kill you atoll! Not tonig)(t, anyway. Maybe later, but reelly I just want to see this desummoning thing wit)( :[ridan! I can’t wait, it’ll be so amusing!”

“So What Then Are You Just Going To Let Us Go”

Feferi nodded enthusiastically. “Yep! Glub glub glub glub. I mean, you’ll still )(ave to defeat my little )(orrterror friend in the restaurant, but I’ve called off t)(e seatrolls for now until you can try to desummon me! Oh, :[ridan, :[ridan, silly gilly old :[ridan…”

 

As she skipped away, the dreamscape itself dissolved until Kanaya and Vriska were again in the Cutlass and Trident, staring at the tentacled black monster hovering above them. The last of the cloaked trolls had just exited the building, leaving them alone with the horrorterror where there was no time for rumination or detailed planning. What if they just ran away? No, then it could just get outside and wreak havoc; they would have to contain it here somehow.

A tentacle shot towards her, interrupting her thoughts, and she ducked only just in time. And then there was no time to keep an eye on Vriska or do anything but defend herself as the horrorterror, which had finally been conquered by gravity and fallen to the floor, lashed out again and again with its awful clawed limbs. Chairs disintegrated into dozens of pieces around Kanaya as she fought to gain a moment for orientation. At last she was able to maneuver her chainsaw to slice cleanly through a tentacle as it hurtled towards her across a table. The removed section of the horrorterror fell wetly onto the table, destroying the plates and extinguishing completely the candle resting upon it, and the horrorterror emitted an immense unhappy screech from its cavernous black beak.

The victory was short lived, however, and Kanaya watched with a combination of apprehension and disgust as the stump where her chainsaw had cut began to writhe and expand, until with a gruesome pop two smaller tentacles emerged from the stump of the first one, as clawed and fully mobile as all the rest. Moreover, the part that she had cut off disappeared after a moment as though it had never even existed. “It Regrows But It Can Feel Pain” she shouted, “We Need To Take The Offensive”

“And if I still h8d my dice that’d be spectacular news!” said Vriska from somewhere behind the inky central frame of the horrorterror. Kanaya remembered in a panicked instant how the fluorite octet had gone flying the moment the monster had first appeared.

“Keep Fighting” she called, “I Will Get To You Somehow”

Several dodges later, she scored another cut, but this time there was no screech of pain and the two new tentacles grew back even more quickly than before. Evidently she had failed in identifying the pattern, although at least she was not amassing lumps of severed horrorterror to avoid stepping on. Its huge toothed beak came crashing down towards her and she backstepped quickly, putting some distance between it and her.

The beak and the eyes were the most distinct features; could they be weak spots of some kind? Another clawed tentacle flew towards her, and she almost dodged, but it slapped back against her in its retreat. She stumbled, almost retrieved her balance, and then fell, landing in a roll that Equius had taught her. This had to be the sort of fight he was trying to prepare them for, the sort where their weapons alone were not enough. There was no time to get up, and she crawled awkwardly away, pausing only to slash backwards at another attack. Her cut connected, barely, but again there was no sign of pain from the horrorterror.

All at once the hideous beak was again plunging towards her from above; the horrorterror had evidently followed her when she retreated from it. Perhaps as the Slayer she was its first priority. She had to make a split-second decision. Aim her chainsaw upwards and hope for a weak spot? No, she had lost faith in its innate ability to wound the eldritch monstrosity. Desperately, she flung herself forward underneath an undamaged table in search of the slight protection its wooden frame might offer her.

Incredibly, the beak’s descent stopped.

For a moment, Kanaya dared not move, and the horrorterror seemed similarly perplexed. Then the tentacles returned, lashing somewhat hesitantly at her beneath the table, and she parried as best she could in the cramped environment. No matter the inexplicable protection it had offered from the monster’s mouth, there was simply not enough room to maneuver beneath the small restaurant table. She waited a slight lull in the vicious swipes and rose swiftly to her feet, sending the table flying away from her. A tentacle took quick advantage of the sudden ease of access and attacked her, and she leapt backwards across the debris of a chair.

There was another shriek and the horrorterror’s body convulsed ever so briefly. Had Vriska managed something? Kanaya glanced back towards her former hiding spot and saw the table split in two and the candle that had been sitting upon it falling to the ground from impacting the horrorterror on one tentacle.

“Fire” she shouted with triumph, “I Think It Can Be Hurt By The Fire Of The Candles”

But surely that couldn’t be right? The first time she had hurt it, it had been the severed end of the tentacle that had landed on the candle, not any part that the creature was still attached to. And the few tentacle pieces she had managed to cut away had lain dormant on the restaurant floor before disappearing; how could the horrorterror possibly feel pain from injuries done to them?

Still, it was the best theory she had so far. She recaptchalogued her chainsaw and grabbed first one, then two candles from nearby tables and brandished them at the inky monster. It did not attack. She stepped carefully forward, and it retreated, balefully red eyes staring intently at the twin fires held in her hands.

There was a scuffling sound to her side, and Vriska emerged from beneath another table which, Kanaya noted with approval, had a still burning candle sitting upon it. “How Are You” she asked, careful not to take her full attention off the now-motionless horrorterror.

“Just fine,” said Vriska. Her dress was somewhat dirtied, her shoes missing, and her hair mussed, but she did not appear injured. “It was reluctant to pursue me after I hid under a ta8le, and ever since you first hurt it, it’s pretty much ignored me altogether.” She gazed at the candles in Kanaya’s hands. “Fire, huh? Niiiiiiiice detective work, girlfriend!”

“Worth A Shot At Any Rate” said Kanaya. “Grab Some Of Your Own So That We Can Try And Attack This Thing Instead Of Just Paralyzing It”

Vriska complied, and the two trolls advanced slowly on the horrorterror, which backed away, threading its cephalopodal frame between tables so as not to come in contact with any of the other candles used to summon it. At last Vriska grew impatient of their slow approach and flung one of her candles directly at it. The horrorterror moved with amazing speed, slithering back across the remainder of the room and right up the wall of the restaurant, where it seethed restlessly, tentacles twisting about in the air as it stared at the girls and their flames.

“Hey, these are some amazing candles,” said Vriska after a moment. “Look at that one, still 8urning right along.” She pointed to the landing spot of the candle she had thrown. The candle had rolled along the floor and hit the wall of the restaurant, but burned just as fiercely as it ever had. Kanaya stared at it, slowly reconsidering the facts that they had established so far.

At last, a new theory presented itself, and she knelt down and pressed the wick of one of her candles hard against the floor. It did not go out. She rubbed it back and forth but it continued to burn as if nothing were happening to it at all. “I Think I Understand” she said.

“Well, I wish you’d explain it to me!” answered Vriska, who was looking on in adorable befuddlement.

“These Candles Were Used To Summon It” said Kanaya, “And I Think That Extinguishing Them Works To Desummon It Unfortunately It Does Not Appear That They Can Be Extinguished Except By Contact With Its Skin”

“Gr8!” said Vriska. “Fa8ulous. Except, in case you haven’t noticed, the 8its you’ve 8een lo88ing off have tended to disintegr8 again, making it pretty damn hard to smash all these candles into them.”

“I Know” said Kanaya, “Give Me A Moment To Think This Through” The horrorterror on the wall was getting increasingly agitated, but it had still not made any move to attack them, apparently unwilling to risk hitting the merrily burning candles that she and Vriska still carried. The horrorterror itself was unlikely to make a willing surface to extinguish the candles on, since it was fast and could probably avoid any such attempts. Its severed limbs disappeared into nothingness before they could be any use. Yet she remained convinced that there was somewhere else that she had seen that utter blackness that characterized the horrorterror and the void of a dreamscape from which it had come…

Oh, of course. She turned, excited, to face Vriska. “Do You Have Your Cloak With You”

“Huh? Oh, sure! I mean, I keep it in my captchalogue deck just in case.”

“Can You Get It Out”

Vriska looked suddenly uncomfortable. “Well… it’s kind of high up in there, actually.”

“High Up In” Kanaya paused. “I Do Not Think I Follow You”

“Well, see, my fetch modus… do we really have to have this conversation in front of a horrorterror?”

“While I Do Not Know What Conversation We Are Or Are Not Having I Think We May Need Your Cloak To Desummon Said Horrorterror So Yes I Think We Do”

Vriska sighed heavily. “Okay, so, I have a confidence-8ased fetch modus. The higher up in the deck something is stored, the more confident I have to 8e to get it out. And, uh, what with your doing all the figuring out how this thing w8rks, while I could hardly w8 to 8e a useless piece of shit and hide under a ta8le, I just… can’t get it up right now.” She glared at the otherworldly monstrosity, which readily returned her anger with its sharp red eyes. “I can’t 8elieve I’m talking about this in front of that thing.”

“So Wait You Are Not Feeling Confident Enough In Your Recent Performance To Get Out Your Cloak”

“8asically.”

“Then I Can Assure You That Is Total Nonsense” said Kanaya, firmly. “Vriska Just Moments Ago In That Dream Castle It Was You Who Rescued Me From The Illusion However Temporary It Was Evidently Expected To Be

“Moreover You Put Together What Was Shaping Up To Be A Really Wonderful Date And I Was Genuinely Enjoying It Before The Servants Of The Empress Interrupted Everything

“And Even Before Tonight You Have Consistently Been A Brave And Dedicated Fighter Against The Rainbow Drinkers And Regularly Pushed Yourself To Your Limits In Training With Equius

“Vriska As Much As I Find To Pity In You I Continually Find As Much Or More To Be Impressed By And I Would Rather Not See My Hero Burdened With Such A Lack Of Self Confidence”

Vriska smiled uncertainly. “You mean it?”

Remembering the day they had met, Kanaya refrained from answering directly and instead walked forward to kiss her matesprit firmly on the lips. With a rush, half a dozen items spilled from Vriska’s captchalogue deck onto the floor, the Cloak of Void among them. Kanaya knelt to rub one of her candles against the black fabric of the cloak, and as she had hoped, it went out immediately. The horrorterror shrieked once again.

“Right” she said, smiling up at Vriska, “You Take This And Dispose Of What Candles Remain In The Premises”

“I doubt 8ig 8lack 8oy over there is going to take kindly to that,” said Vriska. “What if he tries to stop me?”

Kanaya decaptchalogued her chainsaw. Vriska could hang around History class all she wanted listening for mentions of Marquise Mindfang, but Alchemy had always maintained Kanaya’s interest more. She concentrated hard, feeling the nebulous potential combinations of items swirl around before her, and with a flash of alchemical energy the weapon and candle in her hands disappeared. In their place rested a chainsaw with its blade engulfed in supernatural fire. “Then I Suppose I Will Have To Distract Him” she said.

As Vriska approached the first remaining candle with her cloak, the horrorterror, a newfound look of anxiety in its red eyes, flung itself downward from the wall and Kanaya rushed forward to meet it. It was a different feeling, attacking a controllable beast to defend one’s matesprit as she worked to remove it from reality, than it was fleeing from the beast in terror with no idea how it could be defeated. She felt freer, her movements more controlled and graceful. The destiny-given Slayer powers were mixing with Equius’ training, and she and the horrorterror ducked and wove through the air in a deadly ballet, or at least a deadlier ballet than usual by troll dancing standards. Repeatedly she would be in no position to block an attack with her chainsaw and so would have to use her body instead, kicking or otherwise deflecting a tentacle away before its claw could scratch her skin.

The combination of the unearthly fire emanating from her newly alchemized weapon and her being the Slayer seemed to draw the horrorterror’s attention away from Vriska entirely, and so Kanaya received the full brunt of its attacks. The flaming chainsaw seemed no more capable than it had before of dealing the beast actual pain, but the tentacles, once severed, seemed to take much longer to regenerate. Every few seconds the horrorterror would again scream in pain, and each time it was a little slower afterwards, a little less coordinated, and even more inspiringly, a little less visible, as though it were slowly receding from reality one candle flame at a time.

At last, even sooner than Kanaya had dared hope, Vriska cried that the last candle was extinguished. The horrorterror was still there, but only barely, and was practically submissive in the light of the flaming chainsaw, which was at that point the only source of illumination in the whole building. “It Has Not Totally Gone Away Yet” she said.

There was a pause. Then, “Turn 8ff your chainsaw!” yelled Vriska.

“What Possible Good Could That Do Me”

“The last candle’s in your chainsaw, where you alchemized it! Turn it off and the fire should go out!”

That… made sense. Kanaya backed away until she was a safe distance from the horrorterror, which was weak enough that it did not try to follow her, and briefly switched off the chainsaw’s power. Everything went dark. When she turned it back on and the flames once more roared into life, the horrorterror was gone. “We Did It” she said as weariness from the long battle began to wash over her.

“Yeah!” said Vriska. She sounded hesitant. “Um, Kanaya, there’s something you ought to see over in the kitchen, I noticed it while putting out the candles.”

Kanaya followed Vriska’s lead. In the kitchen, stacked indiscriminately, were the lifeless bodies of the wait staff and the wealthy patrons of the restaurant that had been there when the two had arrived. Somehow Feferi’s servants had found a way to kill them all silently and bring them here while Kanaya and Vriska had been talking at their table.

“Not A Good Citizens Saved Count Tonight Then” she said, and Vriska nodded glumly. “We Will Have Some Things To Talk To Scratch About”

“Hey,” said Vriska, “so, that stuff you said earlier a8out me 8eing your hero.”

“Failing To Protect One Group Of Trolls From A Powerful Supernatural Force Does Not Negate Your Heroism In My Eyes Vriska”

“No, not that. I mean, that’s gr8! 8ut, uh, if I’m a hero… can I loot the 8odies?”

“Yes Vriska I Suppose You May Loot The Bodies”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that ended up being nearly a third of the work so far. Pshaw! I do suspect this trend shall reverse soon, however, as we get closer to climaxes and falling action rather than setup alone. The pesterlog with Terezi was formatted with my [Pesterlog Formatter](http://tachyonlabs.com/sam/pesterlog.html).
> 
> Calling troll language "Enforced Pronunciation" is a riff on British [Received Pronunciation](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Received_Pronunciation).  
> I could have mentioned this last time, but Champion Parthena's name and weaponry are based on [Athena Parthenos](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Athena_Parthenos) (and her title, to a lesser extent, Nike), with her "grubsprite familiar" inspired by Athena's owl.  
> "socks in one's warchest" is intended as an Alternian equivalent to "skeletons in one's closet," because really, what would be so wrong about a troll's having a few skeletons lying about?  
> "parpitié" and "parhaine" are my attempts at pity- and hate-based analogs to "paramour," but guess who doesn't speak French? Me!  
> Dynast Maryam's appearance is based on [this fanart](http://katcoo13.deviantart.com/art/LIVE-DRAWN-Kanaya-217218781) from katcoo13.  
> Calling troll breasts "vestigial acid sacs" is borrowed from [Swimsuits](http://archiveofourown.org/works/212991) by MichealRein.  
> Vriska's "can I loot the 8odies" is intended as a spiritual successor to Terezi's "C4N 1 L1CK TH3 SCR33N" from [More Fun Than A Bucket Of Reproductive Discharge](http://archiveofourown.org/works/163459) by Mithrigil.  
> As for [how alchemy works and/or why Kanaya doesn't use it to solve all her problems...](http://ponibooru.413chan.net/index.php?q=/image/512.jpg)


End file.
